Unique and Universal

Warning: Religious musings ahead. Proceed with caution.

Been reading a book called "God's Plan for Getting Things Done." It's kind of interesting. It's basic premise is that we all tend to plan using one of two methods: projection planning (x% more than in the past) or wishful thinking. Neither one has much place for God in it, and because of that, we shouldn't be too surprised when our plans fall flat. I have to admit I'm guilty of both options. Anyway, it continues to comment that God has basically two plans for our lives: unique and universal. The universal plans are the ones that tend to get all the press. They're the big things that everyone is supposed to do, go ye into all the world and all that stuff. But it's the unique plans that tend to be more important to your personal happiness. If God has a plan for you, doesn't it make sense that there is a personal aspect to it? Primarily, for me right now, it seems to be what should I be doing for a living. I always assumed that since I'm not happy, I must not be doing what I should be doing, but danged if I could figure out what I should be doing. I'm beginning to think I might be looking at this all wrong. If God is in control, then he's not going to let me screw up the big things. I tend to believe in the golden hammer method, which is basically, God will allow you to muck up the small stuff, but eventually, He's going to make sure you get the big stuff basically right. Which means, to me, that He wouldn't let me make a major career decision without being involved, right? If that is the case, then maybe, just maybe, I AM doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and what needs to change is my attitude? Something to think about, eh?

Stardust the review

Saw this movie over the weekend with the family. What a delightful little movie! It's captivating in a bunch of small ways. While I've been a Gaiman fan for years, for some reason, I never read this one (something I plan to remedy this week). Since I haven't read the book, I cannot tell you how faithful it was to his original vision. What I can say is it is sweet, whimsical and magical all without being sappy. The acting, while spotty at times (I'm looking at you, Claire Danes), is good enough to not be distracting. The scenery is gorgeous, very English, as is the sensibilities of the storyline, which means it has just the right touch of droll humor. I was a bit afraid of taking the kids because it was rated PG-13. And while I can understand the rating, I have to admit, I've seen more objectionable material in some PG movies I've seen. There was no swearing at all that I recall. While there was one scene of sexual intimacy, they merely showed the couple kissing and then cut away. The biggest objection (besides some implied sexuality), would probably have been the violence. But even that was done mostly off screen. If you love fairy tales and well told stories, I highly recommend Stardust. And if you like Stardust, check out Mirrormask on DVD (another Gaiman movie). You won't regret it.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Season 8

Up until now, I have to say that I've been fairly underwhelmed by the highly touted "Season 8" Buffy comic book. I mean, yeah, the characters were all there, and yeah, they had really talented writers, but the stories all felt underdeveloped and superficial. It was like they were doing cameos, but the stories lacked the depth or darkness of the original. It was like they spent four issues parading our old favorites around so we could clap for them and didn't want to distract from that with an actual story. The fact that they decided to bring back Amy and Warren as the big bads didn't help much. Been there, done that, and Amy, please call your lawyer and sue for defamation of character. The giant Dawn was just a silly sight gag gone on too long. Something was missing. I just didn't feel for these characters anymore.

Finally, I read issue 5 - a stand alone that did not even have Buffy in it. Loved it. In one short comic, they created a character I could feel for. The central figure is one of the Buffy impersonators. The story of how she got there, what she was doing .... well, if you haven't read it, it felt very much like an early Buffy. I wonder if we've learned too much about the core Scoobies for them to hold our interest. I mean, they have all theoretically grown and are much too wise and powerful to experience the emotions I want to see. I like doubt - but after seven years as the Slayer, is it realistic for Buffy to still doubt herself? What can they confront these characters with that they haven't already seen several times? I just hope we see more stand alone stories without the key characters, particularly if Issue 5 is an indication of what we can expect.

Dream a Little Dream

Had a really weird dream last night - I dreamed that some old, grey haired guy kept trying to steal my cell phone. By the third time he tried to take it (while I was talking on it, no less), I had had enough and chased him down and started pummelling him. I was more upset that my hitting him seemed to have no effect on him than I was that he had taken the phone in the first place. Oh, one final detail - the phone was pink.

Weird, right? Especially since I don't tend to remember my dreams. But wait, it gets weirder. A friend looked up what it could mean. Here's what she found (verbatim):

The old man denotes the masculine side of yourself. The phone represents your communication and relationship to self and others. Pink is your feminine side and also health and good feelings.
So... the masculine side of yourself is trying to over take your feminine side. You may be trying to be more in touch with your femininity, to be healthy and happy? ... and the old fat guy keeps butting in?

The funny thing is that I've been struggling at work, mainly because I don't really like going into work. I mean, I love my life outside of work, it's just that to get what I want outside of work, I have to go there. And I hate going there. And it takes too much time away from what I want to be doing. Think my subconscious is trying to tell me something?

Nobody Ever Said It Would Be Easy ...

Yeah, you know the rest. For some unknown reason, I never thought about how tough being a parent is before I was one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hear the stories, but really, how hard can it be unless your kid is Hannibal Lecter? Well, I don't THINK either one of the girls is heading down that path (we do worry about the younger one, on occasion, though), it's not as easy as I thought it would be. You see, I'm kind of an uptight, worrywart. It's like if I don't worry, then I don't care enough, then everything is going to go to hell in a handbasket. So I worry so that things don't go haywire (yes, I know, my logic is not like your earth logic). Anyway, now I get to worry not just about myself, but everything in the kids' lives too. You see, despite the total lack of reality, I tend to think things have to go perfectly in their lives, that they should never suffer disappointment, or suffer at all for that matter (again, logic? No where near this post). So now I feel like if something doesn't work out, it's somehow my fault for not doing enough. Cracked, huh?

Maria Full of Grace

Hey, finally off the Harry Potter posts for a day. I've started "Satanic Verses" - got it years ago for 50 cents to see what the fuss was about and am only getting around to reading it now. I'll let you know what I think once I get a bit further into it.

Finally saw the movie "Maria Full of Grace" last night - or should I say, I saw part of it. It's been on my Netflix list for forever, and I figured I either needed to watch it or remove it from the list. There really should be an expiration date for movies on your list. Anyways, I put it on the list because it was supposed to be "good"- which, technically, it was. The writing was realistic, the pacing well done, the acting good for the most part. It's just I can't figure out why anyone in their right mind would want to watch it. Maybe it was because I was in a bad mood anyway, but watching a girl make one bad decision after another isn't exactly entertaining. I know, I know, what do you expect in a movie about a drug mule, but it was just painful watching. It seems as though the more depressing a movie, the better the reviews. Anyway, the moral of the story is if you decide to become a drug mule, don't steal the drugs from the dealer. Gee, glad I had a movie to tell me that, huh?

Truth in Harry Potter

Yeah, I'm not done talking about the book yet. As an offshoot of yesterday's conversation, the subject of Rita Skeeter came up. She's another character, who while ostensibly not on Voldemort's side, per se, has at the very least a greyish tint to her character. One of the more interesting things is the question, "Does Rita Skeeter lie?" Think about it. She may not tell the whole truth, and she make take things out of context, but does she ever out and out lie? Typically, she takes an actual incident (out of context) and then poses questions. Harry ran from Dumbledore's death scene (fact). Could there have been more to it? Was he somehow involved? I was struck by the fact that she did often tell the truth (kind of).

Which leads to a bigger question of truth in the book. Many people lie, or at least avoid telling the whole truth. Look at Dumbledore. Look at Snape. Did lying make them automatically evil? Did it work for the "greater good" or did it impede the greater good? How is lying portrayed in the book? It is always necessary for everyone to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? What would have happened had Harry known that he would survive Voldemort killing him? It might have made his actions less noble, but would it have changed the outcome?

Evil in Harry Potter

And no, I'm not talking about the "burn the book" kind of evil. I just finished the last Harry Potter book last night (well, actually, about 2am this morning - I had to finish it once I found out my daughter did. She's not exactly good at not letting plot points out, so if I wanted to be surprised, I kind of had to stay up and finish it). One thing that struck me was the interesting way JK deals with evil in her books. I mean, ok, you have Voldemort, Evil with a capital "E" right? But there are many levels of evil explored in the books when you look at it. What about Delores Umbridge? As far as we know, she wasn't knowingly in cahoots with Voldemort, right? So then, was she evil? I think she was, but a far more sinister, human type of evil ... just an evil, power-hungry, bitchy person. No, she didn't support the big Evil, but what she did to Harry and the non-purebloods could definitely be described as evil, little "e". Even within the people who did support big Evil, there were varying degrees of evil - for example, Bellatrix vs. Narcissa. Could you classify them both as categorically evil? Was one more evil than the other? Can evil be mitigated? And what about people who are basically shown as good who have their evil moments? What about X. Lovegood? Was he evil? Trying to turn Harry and his friends over to the Death Eaters was definitely evil, no matter how understandable his circumstances. And what about Ron walking out on Hermione and Harry? Wasn't that 'evil' given the circumstances? Even Dumbledore had his evil moments.

That's really what I like about the books - they are at one level, a rolicking good read. But at another, they really do explore big concepts without shying away from the uncomfortable aspects of the issue. I like that there is some subjectivity to the situations (another great example is Kreacher - was he ever really evil or merely responding to his circumstances). It makes them fun to discuss with the kids (even if it does drive them nuts).

Why?

Why is it that when I'm bumming about something that I desperately want to do something that is bad for me? I mean some people when they start stressing can't eat - me? If it doesn't move, well, ...

But why do I think this is going to make me feel better? Usually it just makes things worse cause now I have the added bonus of having overeaten added to whatever was bugging me in the first place. And if it isn't eating, why do I suddenly have an urge to go shopping? Like that's really going to help. *sigh* I guess it's just the urge to do something about the situation. But why can't it be something like running a marathon? Ugh.

This and That

Been awhile. I'm feeling a bit stressed about work, which means I pretty much stew about things rather than doing anything. Nothing new there. Anyways, been trying to read a bit more. Started a book called "From Eden to Exile" which is an archeological approach to the Old Testament. It's a bit irritating because the guy kind of starts from a viewpoint of the Old Testament is just a bunch of stories borrowed from other cultures, and obviously amateurs have no business saying anything about it. Which is kind of funny, considering one of the greatest scholars in this area (an English guy named Smith from the 1870's) was a rank amateur. Oh well, it's interesting, just wish he wouldn't spend so much time trying to discredit other folks and more time on what he wants to say. Like most of this type of research, I tend to fall in the middle - yes, I do believe in biblical teachings, but I think a lot of it has been misinterpreted and that folks need to explore for themselves. Bottom line, I want to hear the proof, but I also get tired of the oh-so-learned acting like you'd have to be an idiot to believe in the Bible.

Got caught up on some Supernaturals I taped over the weekend. I really do enjoy that show - it has a nice combination of suspense and family. Not to mention some very nice to look at leads. Can't wait to see what they do this fall.

Legally Blonde

Just got the official soundtrack to the Legally Blonde stage musical, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed. I'd been listening to a preliminary recording, and somehow, the real soundtrack was anticlimactic. I was puzzled at my reaction as I did enjoy the show, but I felt disconnected from it. Then when I listened to the preliminary CD, I fell in love with the show. I couldn't wait for the "real" CD - even though I knew there had been changes, I figured it would be even better, with a couple of songs from Orfeh who has an awesome voice. But when I got the CD, I found myself let down. Part of it was how some of the songs were recorded - Laura Bell Bundy sang them either in a higher pitch or somehow avoided the edge to her voice, which I find awesome. They just seemed to neuter the Elle character. I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I listened to one of the last songs, where Elle is considering going back home and giving up. In the preliminary CD, she sang, "That's fine with me, just let me be Legally Blonde." The final version was "It's not up to me, just let me be Legally Blonde." Not a big change? No, it was a huge change. In the original version, she had dared to dream that she could be more than what people thought she could be. She knew she could be more, but had never dared to do it. That's why it's heartbreaking when she decides - yes, she makes a decision - that it's not worth the fight anymore, that she'll just be what they expect her to be. Compare that with the second version, where here's poor little Elle, no choice in the matter. What a simpering wimp! The two characters are completely different. And that's why I liked the preliminary version better. That Elle, while a bit superficial, was never stupid or unaware. She was a fighter. She knew what people thought but she wasn't going to let it get to her - to steal a phrase from another cut song, she was a "Beacon of Positivity." They take that all away in the final version. It's almost like they are afraid a strong Elle is an unlikeable Elle. And that's why I'll keep listening to the earlier version.

Xanadu

We took the girls to NY to see Xanadu the musical (seriously) this weekend. What a hoot (yeah, I know, I'm old - we use words like hoot). Anyone who's around 40-ish would love it. It's just such a great bashing of the 80's (in an affection way). From Olivia Newton John's accent and breathy singing to leg warmers to Clash of the Titans, everything was fair game. And the acting, singing, and dancing were superb. It's a small theater with an intimate feel, which adds to the you're-in-on-the-joke attitude of the show. It couldn't have been more fun. And just as important, we managed to park for $14! Hey, don't knock the enthusiasm. You try to park an SUV in a safe location for under $50 for the day.

I'm still working on my story for my daughter - she keeps me at it because she asks for updates almost every day. I'm getting a bit scared because I think this might actually be good.

Enough Already

Not a great weekend. Went on a 3.5 hour drive to my brother's house to celebrate the baptism of his daughters. Gee, let's see how that went. First, we didn't get the details on what was going on until 10pm on the night before the event. And that was because my mom didn't hear from them until about 9pm that night. That's right, he didn't bother to call me at all. What's worse is the fact that he didn't have enough respect for my mom to call her until he did. What a scumbag. Then after driving 3.5 hours to get there, I can count on one hand with a couple fingers left over the number of words he said to me and my family. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm kinda pissed. Right now, my feeling is that I won't be wasting time trying to visit again. I'd cut him off completely, but he has my first two season of Buffy on DVD that I want back.

Then at work, well, editing this because I gave too many details. Suffice to say it has to do with a lack of respect. Again. Some more.

Yes, I'm in a lovely mood today.

In Search of a Pool

When I was a kid, the one thing that I always wanted was a pool. One of the neighbors had one growing up, and we would always hang around in front of their house, trying to look hot in hopes they'd invite us in. As an adult, I always figured they were too much work, but there was always a inner feeling of "But I want it." So we've finally decided to look into getting one, even though we have no flat land anywhere near the house, and even though the high school is less than a mile away and has a pool. Of course, that means we should start to saving a bit. Uh-oh. That one might be tougher. Why is it when you know you should be cutting back that you can find all kinds of things you want? Economizing ain't me, at least when someone says I have to. But I don't wanna.

*ahem* in other news, I've started a summer writing program with my older daughter. We're reading through Gail Carson Levine's "Writing Magic" together and doing the assignments at the end of the chapter. So far, I've written two pages of a potentially new children's fantasy. I'll keep going so long as she wants to read it. She's much better than I am at writing short stories. I just don't seem to be able to finish anything in less than 90K words.

News, Updates, Life in General

Just got back from Book Expo America (BEA). I love New York. We stayed at the Hilton right in the middle of the Theater district. Drove in on Tuesday night and made good time until we hit the Lincoln Tunnel - traffic added another hour to our journey at this point. No matter, once we were parked, we weren't moving the car again until Sunday (yeah, we were paying the lovely parking fees for a car we weren't going to use, but trust me, better than driving in the city). Anyways, since it was our kids first time in the city, we decided to walk around town a bit. Nobody had eaten since lunch, so the goal was to find a decent restaurant and chill out. It was fun watching my younger girl acting like a total tourist, stopping to stare at the buildings and people. We meandered down to the Palace Theater where Legally Blonde was playing. I had read in Playbill online that they weren't selling out so I suggested skipping supper and going to the show. Despite some inappropriate moments (try telling an 8-yr old not to do the bend-and-snap in school, or to ask if someone is "Gay or European"? to give you just two), it was just a really fun show. Found out later that the lead actress, the woman who played her best friend and the guy who played the boyfriend are all up for Tony awards, which is way cool (by the time I see most shows, the lead cast is usually long gone). On the way back to the hotel, we walked by the Wintergarten, where Mama Mia was playing (we had tickets for the next night). A red-headed woman was standing behind baracades having her picture taken and signing stuff. My husband commented that he wondered if it was the mother in the show (he's listened to the CD often enough he kind of knows the story by heart). Turns out it was - as we found out the next night. We ate at the Stagedoor Deli (waaaaaay overpriced) and I carried our youngest back to the hotel.

The next day was the first day of BEA. Oh. My. Have I mentioned lately how much I love this show? Basically, you have two choices: 1) you can go to the autographing area for free, autographed books, or 2) you can wander the floor, getting all kinds of goodies. Since hubby was with me, we did both. Boy, did we do both. Gene took the younger girl, who apparently charmed pretty much every booth worker she met, becoming an expert in the art of swag. People were literally seeking her out to give her stuff. I was in the interview lines with my older girl, who was gobsmacked to see so many of her favorite authors. She had missed a birthday party to go with us, so she got a book signed to the friend who's birthday she missed. And the authors really seemed to appreciate seeing an actual kid (most of the writers we went to see were juvenile authors, but pretty much everyone at the show was a middle aged library or bookseller). She's so excited that she's started her own blog to review the books she got.

After walking around from about 9 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon, we raced back to the hotel and cleaned up for dinner. As I said, our hotel couldn't have been more perfectly placed, so it was only about a block or two to the theater. We ate at the Applebee's next door. Much less expensive than the Stagedoor Deli (we figured that they didn't have the nerve to charge as much as most places in NYC because people could actually compare the price to their normal location). Got to the theater, and our seats were waaaaay to the one side. Luck was with us again as the people who had the aisle seats never showed so we got to move at intermission. The girls loved it. If you need proof, all you need to know is that my 6 yr old didn't fall asleep. Trust me, midnight is hideously late when you're used to an 8 o'clock bedtime. We waited by the stage door like the people we had seen the previous night, and sure enough, the girls got to meet all of the main cast and get their pictures taken with them. Awesome experience, and the cast could not have been nicer.

Saturday was more of the same at BEA - another awesome day of book gathering. We ended up having to ship my mother-in-law's books back home because we didn't have enough room in the car. Some of many highlights for the day included my older girl meeting her three of her favorite authors and getting to see what Gramar girl really looked like (what can I say, we love the podcasts).

We hung around for the morning on Sunday before heading out of the city, which was thankfully less painful than getting into the city. Next year, BEA is in LA. *sigh* Why did it have to be LA?

Thirteen for Thursday

OK, apparently you're supposed to make a list of 13 related things on a Thursday (or so I've read in other Blogs). Since I'm on the lazy side, I figured why not? Lists are easier, right (somehow, I think I'm going to regret those words). So anyway, being a DVD addict, I figured I'd list the last 13 things I watched on DVD or DVR (hey, I sometimes DO actually watch what I record). So without further ado, here's my Thirteen:

1-5. Grosse Pointe's first five episodes - this show is almost a must-watch for anyone who lived through the 90210 years on television. It's a farce about what went on behind the scenes. From the bitch-on-wheels Hunter (who, it turned out, was bitchy because she was hungry) to the pervy dad to the bald heart throb, this one never failed to go for the jugular (so much so that it never made it through a full season). At first, I couldn't decide whether it was too nasty or not, but I have to say when I got to the Halloween episode where they were ripping off Buffy, I was hooked.
6-9. Bones' first four episodes - What can I say? My mom was visiting, and it was about the only show we had in common. I bought it because of David Boreanaz and because it was cheap. DB is still great looking (actually, I have to say he's better looking than when he was on Angel), but the show? Well, I wanted to like it, but not so much. I don't usually watch procedurals so it kind of felt like I was watching the same show 4 times in a row. Maybe they aren't so bad spaced out, but there's no character development, and it just feels like deja vu every week.
10. Veronica Mars episode with Paul Rudd - hate to say it, but I'm kind of glad the show is going off the air. It took me awhile to get into the show, but once I did, I thought it was the 2nd coming of Buffy. But each year the writing seemed to falter just a bit more. And each year, they featured the characters I liked less and less. Hey, maybe it's more like Buffy than I thought.
11-13. Supernatural - couple of non-descript episodes from Season 2 and the end of season 1. Leopards don't change their spots. I think this is my new must-see show. I like the interaction between the brothers (the fact that they are very nice to look at doesn't hurt). I like that they don't take themselves too seriously, but still manage to bring the scary. Very glad that I'll have another season to see the brothers Winchester. And was I the only one who liked their dad?

Too Many Plans

Well, I survived the family and everyone seemed to enjoy it, so I guess everything went ok. We have the memorial service for my father-in-law this Friday, two soccer games over the weekend, and then I go away for business for a couple of days (feel my joy). After that, it's field day at school, Memorial Day weekend and then Bookfest. We got tickets to see Mamma Mia in New York for the whole family because nobody appreciates Broadway as much as a six year old. Heck, I didn't get to see a show on Broadway until I was twenty-something, so it may be jealousy talking, but I really gotta wonder at the wisdom of taking a kid who's bedtime is the same time the show starts to a Broadway show. Last two times we tried concerts, she fell asleep during them - and one of them was mid-afternoon. Yeah, I'm feeling this is a good investment. But at least she can say she slept through a BROADWAY play, right?

Words, Thoughts or Actions?

This has been a bit of an interesting week for me as my mom is visiting, and over the weekend, my mother-in-law was here too. Kind of made me wonder, what matters more, what you say, what you do or how you think about it? You see, I drove several hours over the weekend to pick my mom up and then drove several hours back to my house. I was feeling bad that she never got to see the kids events at school and all, so it seemed like a good idea at the time - but to be honest, I really didn't want to. Add on top of that some inevitable tension when you have two additional mothers in the house, and ... well, my thoughts were probably not the most charitable in the world. I think I kept my words pleasant - or to be more honest, tried not to say much, but the thoughts? Eh, not exactly kind. Does that negate everything else? And how much did my thoughts bleed through to actions, despite my best efforts? Oy. At least we're halfway through the week.

Civility

Just was trolling around, looking at some other folks blogs, and something started really bugging me. What ever happened to civility? When did it become acceptable to mock someone just because you disagree with them? Now trust me when I say, I'm about as liberal as they come politically, and to say that I really don't care for our current administration is an understatement. But the harrassment Bush is getting because of a minor flub in a speech? Come on, already. Like you never screwed up when you were talking. I'm referring to Bush's reference to Queen Elizabeth being around in 17 ...er 1976. Look, wanna rip on him for Iraq? I'm there. Our pathetic stance on global warming? Right there with you. But why bother cutting on the guy for a minor verbal miscue. Yeah, he has a reputation for not being the brightest bulb in the pack, but you know what? This was just a simple slip of the tongue. Good G-d people, give the guy some slack. I just don't get it.

Yes, I'm Alive

So, like is there a prize for being the lousiest at updating? If so, I think I have everyone beat. It's not that I haven't had anything to talk about; it's more that I'm incredibly lazy. Anyway, let's see, what's new and exciting. OK, well then how about new? Katherine has started gymnastics and seems to really love it. We've also enrolled her in art classes. She seems to be a bit insecure, not willing to try new things because she wants to be the best, so we've been taking the spaghetti approach with her (throw a bunch of stuff against the wall and see what sticks). She learned to ride without training wheels this weekend (mainly because they got twisted and I was too lazy to fix them, so I worked with her to ride without them - aren't I a good mom?). Her class play will be in a couple of weeks - apparently, she's doing pretty well with memorizing her lines (a major concern with the kindergarten set, if you can imagine).

Sarah is taking acting classes. She's going to start gymnastics this summer which could be very interesting, mainly because she'll be in a class with her younger sister who is 1) more flexible 2) has already had a session and 3)more athletic. It'll be interesting to see how Sarah reacts to not being the best at something. She's usually pretty cool about - a more laid-back kid you've never seen - but I wonder how she'll feel about her little sister being the one who's better. Who knows, maybe she'll surprise me? Feeling a bit guilty about not getting her into the art classes. We'll have to sign her up next year.

Oh, soccer season started again. Have I mentioned how much I loath soccer season? At least they practice on the same night this time. Unfortunately, Sarah's games are on Saturday and Katherine's are on Sunday. Yeah, weekends are fun. The good thing is that we get to take pictures again. I kinda like taking photos as the game. And am I a real schmuck if I say that it kind of annoys me that everyone assumes that all of our soccer pictures are from my husband. Yes, he's a great photographer, but I'm not that bad myself. *sigh* The continual struggle to find something that I'm good at.

Out of Phase

Nearly every sci-fi show that has ever existed has done an episode where the hero gets caught out of phase with the rest of the universe. They either shift to an alternate universe that is almost-but-not-quite right (or one that is totally opposite) or speed up or slow down or have something happen to them that makes it difficult to communicate with people from their own universe/time/whatever.

Anyways, I'm having one of those out of phase kind of weeks, where things just aren't quite fitting right. It's kind of like trying to zip a zipper when you can't get it lined up just right. Nothing bad has happened, I just feel a bit cranky or ... off. It's one of those weeks where I just feel like I just don't get it. Couple of silly examples? Went to see "Light in the Piazza," which is supposed to be some super-special romance or something, and I totally wasn't feeling it. The basic storyline is that a girl and her mother go to Italy, the girl meets and falls in love with a local boy and they all live happily ever after. The kicker is that she had an accident as a child and cannot mature past a 10 year old level. OK, so we're supposed to root for the couple, right? And all I can think of is 1) Why the hell don't they just tell the guy the truth and 2) How much "in love" can he be that he doesn't notice (I think he just wanted to schtup her, but that's another story) and 3) Boy is their wedding night going to be interesting. I think I missed the point somewhere - either that or I'm just a crotchety old lady.

Oh, and it doesn't stop there. I'm listening to the news, right? And two stories are on the air. The first is about a group that "helps" gay people go straight. And there are protesters all over the place. All I can think is if people want to go to these meetings or change, it's kind of their business. How is it threatening to these other folks? Don't they have anything better to do? Ah, but they say that it's wrong to try and change. Bull. People change or try to all the time. It's simply not their business. I guess this makes me a crotchety old conservative, right? But wait. The next story is about a guy who was the town manager for a place for 14 years and got fired because the folks in the town found out he was going to have a sex change. Again I say, who cares? So long as he (or she, as the case may be) is doing the job, why does anyone give a dang? People really need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. So does this now make me a liberal again? Or maybe a libertarian? Or maybe just out of phase?

Storytime

About 20 minutes after she was already supposed to be in bed, our older daughter informed us that she still hadn't finished her mystery story that was due the next day. Thinking she only had to type it, we let her stay up to finish it. 30 minutes later, she informed us that it couldn't be longer than 500 words, and her current story was 625. No problem, right? Just needed a little editing, right? We could help her with that, right? *ahem* Then we read the story for the first time. Oh. My. It was supposed to be a mystery. She had decided her main character was going to be kidnapped and taken through a black hole into a dungeon. Oooookkkkk. But she neglected to explain the black hole thing in her already too long story. Ouch. So now it's an hour past her bedtime, and guess who gets the "editing" responsibility? Except it's not so much editing as re-writing. Heaven forbid she would have worked on it or talked to us about it last week when she was off of school most of the week. So at 10:00 at night, I'm furiously re-writing her story while trying not to rewrite her story. At least I got rid of the black hole of suck (my not to affection name for her plot devise). Thank heavens her grade isn't totally dependent on this one.

End of Winter

Haven't been super motivated to write anything in here lately. Not much going on, I guess. My father-in-law did die, but it's weird. He didn't have a service, and it's kind of like witnessing a traffic accident - you look, say "eh" and move on. I don't know that I feel anything about it. Which is sad, I guess.

Girls are back in school after almost a week off between holidays and snow days. I miss gratuitous holidays. I would love to have President's day and Groundhog's day and Winter Solstice and any other thing I could think of off. Not that I would do much. I just like sleeping in. I also love staying inside when it's really cold and sucky outside. No better time to read in front of a fireplace until you get so hot that you want to go out in said sucky weather to cool off. And of course, there are the marshmallows. Anyone for a s'more?

In Defense of Businesspeople

Just read in another person blog a lament about the comic strip "For Better or Worse." Seems as though the cartoon character just got a book deal, and the commentator has a bug up their arse about how unrealistic it is. Biggest complaint is how quickly everything has happened. Leaving beside that we ARE talking about a cartoon character, I have only one thing to say: Get over it. I mean, really, gimme a break. They're whining because a cartoon(!?) is making their profession seem easier than it is? Cry me a river.

Try being a business person. I have yet to see an honest portrayal of the busines world in ANY movie, book, or play that I have EVER seen. If you listened to pop culture, you'd think that every business person is a greedy bastard who wears nice suits and spends their days in a luxorious windowed office on the 40th floor, trying to figure out how to screw the average man. They then take their beamer to their penthouse for a quickie at lunch before returning home to their alcoholic wives. Oh, and lest we forget, unless it's the fashion industry or perhaps some touchy-feely social welfare thing, they will ALWAYS return home to their wives because they are always male. Um, yeah. That's the way it happens for 99% of the folks out there. Pity my office is in the 1% that isn't like that. Most business people work their asses off to make things run smoothly in this world. Without talented business people, most folks would at best not have half the pretty playthings that make life worth living, at worst not have enough food or a job. Yet is the business person EVER the hero in a movie/play/tv show? Um, no. Just once, I'd like to see a show like LOST feature the heroic businessman saving the day while the evil doctor hides in the bushes like a helpless little bunny. Grrr. Arg.

On Death and Dying

The doctors told my mother-in-law today that my father-in-law has only a couple of weeks to live. He's still pretty much in denial, still wanting to go car shopping or whatever. I hear his actions and shake my head, thinking why would you want to spend your last days like that. It's easy to be superior when it's not you in the situation. I look in the mirror, frown at a few more wrinkles, worry about the hair I find in the sink and my ever-expanding waistlline, but turn away and figure I have years before I have to think about dying. I don't feel any different than I did when I was twenty, so I can't be that old, right? But ...

But what if you did know you had only two weeks to live? Would you spend those two weeks in denial? Would you rail against the unfairness of it all? What difference would your faith make? It's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do when you really don't have to face the situation, but I'm guessing it's quite a different matter when it actually is you. My mother-in-law has a great attitude, particularly when you consider that she and my father-in-law probably should have divorced years ago. She says she just wants to enjoy him while he's here. Hubby snidely suggested she might mean tolerate, but she corrected him and said, no, enjoy was the word she meant. It's kind of interesting and nice to know that she still remembers that at one time she loved him enough to marry him. I hope I'm that way if need be some day (I hope even more that I don't have to be, but that's another rant).

Oh, and for the record, while I really don't have to think about it seriously, if I ever get to the point that I definitely only have a couple of weeks left? I'm going to go to Santorini, Greece, and sit on the beach.

Owning Up to Your Feelings

I was raised in a family where ugly emotions were ignored. Oh, there was the regular shouting, but that wasn't because anyone was angry - they were just trying to get your attention. Riiiiight. No one was allowed to be sad or angry or jealous or selfish (except when they were, and then the rest of the family was supposed to make up excuses for why a particular person behaved the way they did). I've carried that notion thoughout my life, which made it really hard to determine if my reactions were normal or overreactions to situations. I would sit and analyze the situation until I could warp it around so that it really wasn't the way I thought it was.

So anyway, as an adult, I have trouble dealing with negative emotions in myself. I'm sure that I'm overreacting. And heaven forbid I should ever admit to one of the negative emotions. Like right now, I'm jealous and feeling disrespected. Mainly because I wasn't invited to a meeting at work. The real crazy thing is that I really don't want to go to the meeting, yet I feel envious of those who are in the meeting. They are the "important" people. And what am I? Chopped liver? How cracked do you have to be to think like this? I mean, there are people in positions that I have zero respect for, but I'm still jealous of them. All because of my own blooming insecurity, that I'm not good enough and this proves it. I can logically look at the situation and say I'm cracked, but yet I still feel dissed. Strange, no?

Last Things

And another week goes by. Not doing as great as I would like to on the New Year's Resolutions thing, but probably doing how I expected. It's funny but a lot of my goals are really based on the fact that I figure I got years left. I mean, really, if you knew you were going to die in a couple of weeks, would you really deny yourself chocolate? Would you waste your time exercising in a smelly basement? What would you do?

Seems a strange question, but I've been thinking about it a lot more lately. My parents/in-laws generation is starting to creep into the not-to-many-years-left zone and starting to decline in health. Two things in particular brought the subject up. The first is my father-in-law, who is dying and knows that he's dying. Given that, you'd think he'd spend his last couple of weeks enjoying life, right? Nope, he's spending it bitching about cars and trying to negotiate with a car dealer for a boat his wife will never be able to drive. Now maybe that's fun for him, but I just can't imagine spending my last days dealing with a used car salesman. The other is my aunt, who has been in the hospital for the last couple of months. She hasn't been able to eat (or hasn't wanted to eat) anything. I can't imagine that. Apparently, it happens a lot as you get older. Kind of makes you rethink the dieting thing, huh? I mean if you eventually don't enjoy eating (hard for me to imagine), you might as well eat what you can when you can. Doubt I'll go that route, but it is tempting.

In Praise of Micromovements

Well, I actually managed to accomplish my three task for yesterday and feel pretty good about myself. It's funny, I'm the queen of list making - I usually have a list about six pages long of things I should be doing. Which usually means I don't do anything because I'm overwhelmed by the list. It's kind of like Rimmer on Red Dwarf who spent so much time planning his study time that he never actually got around to studying. That's what's so great about micromovements. Anybody can find 5 minutes in their schedule. You can actually accomplish something and mark it off the list. It's amazing how good it feels to say you did what you said you were going to do. So, today's list? I'm going for another page of editing, another counter in the bathroom, and getting out paper and pencils to draw if I so choose. Baby steps, right?

Succulence

OK, so I'm reading this book "The Bodacious Book of Succulence - Daring to Live Your Succulent Wild Life" and it asked what samll thing are you willing to do that will help your life be more succulent? First question, again, is what is succulent (just call me dictionary girl)? Well, I had to combine a couple of definitions, but essentially, we're talking full of juice, highly interesting or enjoyable. Heh. How often do I think of my life as something that can be succulent? I guess it should be, but it seems like there are a bunch of shoulda's or gotta's that get in the way. Anyway, the author's point in this section is that you can make very small changes that can greatly increase your appreciation of life. She talks late about micromovements, saying that the reason we often fail is that we make our goals too large. Interesting stuff.

Anyway, so what are my planned small things? Hmmm, let's see ... I think I'm going to clean one of the counters in the bathroom tonight (not the whole thing, just one counter). I also am going to edit just one page of my book today at lunch. No more than one. Oh, and I'm going to read a chapter of a just-for-fun book while sitting in my favorite chair cuddled in a blankie. How's that sound?

On Being Glad

Was reading a book at lunchtime that asked me to list the things that make me glad. The first thing I had to do was look up the word "glad" in the dictionary. Hey, I didn't want to put down something that made me happy but not glad. I had to have the definition RIGHT. Anyway, the definition was as follows: "feeling joy or pleasure; delighted; pleased" OK, so it's pretty close to happy, but not EXACTLY the same (humor me). Anyways, here's my list in no particular order. I challenge anyone reading this to come up with their own list.

Red licorice and Swedish fish

Hiking on Hadrian's Wall (or any place else, really)

A Clean house (shut up, this is my list)

Gardening when there are no time pressures

Swinging my younger daughter upside down

Reading with either of my daughters, but particularly the older one because she doesn't really need me to read with her but likes me to anyway

Swimming or biking with my husband (particularly finishing a long ride)

Reading a good book, especially if it involves a rainy day, a fireplace and a blanket

Toasted marshmellows

And I have to admit a song from my college days came back to me as well. The phrase in particular? "Be ye glad, oh be ye glad, every sin that you ever had has been paid up in full by the grace of the Lord, be ye glad, be ye glad, be ye glad."

Creativity

Do I lead what might possibly be the most boring life? Not that I mind. I'm actually kind of partial to boring. Anyway, trying to figure out what I'm going to do that is creative this year. Part of me figures I should start writing again. Then again, another part of me figures I should edit the book I've already written and see if I can make anything of it. Of course, being a first novel it probably sucks, but hey, I read lots of stuff that sucks. That doesn't seem to stop anyone else. I've also toyed with drawing. Not that I have any talent for it, but I figure it takes less time than writing and I have no where to go but up. While being a competent but not great writer can only lead to frustration, going into something where I know that I don't have talent can only lead to improvement, from truly dreadful to sometimes, if I look at it, it can be not bad. OK, is this some of the most bizarre logic you've ever heard or what?

As for other goals, I didn't exercise last night. I did read. Learned that Salmon Chase was an egotistical jerk, and that basically Lincoln outmanuevered his rivals by being a better politician than they were. His rallying cry? I'm number 2. Hey, it worked. Kind of. If you don't count that assassination thing, that is.

So....How's It Going?

New year - day 2. One other thing I forgot to mention is that I'm actually going to try and keep this thing updated. No really. Honest. I mean it. I think.

Anyway, yesterday had the typical, New Year's clean-up. Washed the basement carpet, cleaned out the cars, cleaned one of the bathrooms. Yes, I really know how to have fun. Anyway, so far, so good in that at least yesterday I didn't eat everything that wasn't tied down and got in some exercise. I'm also going to try that learn one thing a day thing. Yesterday I learned that Lincoln asked his three closest rivals for the Presidency to become members of his cabinet. I'm reading through (or trying to) Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals" - that should help on the one-new-thing-a-day goal for awhile. I envy that woman. She's just so intelligent and such a good researcher and has an ideal job of researching the hell out of interesting subjects. Can I be her when I grow up? Oh, you mean I'm already fully growed? *sigh*

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot ...

As we approach the end of another year, I realize that I really can't think of a lot of accomplishments for the past year. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. You see, the older I get, the more I realize that I actually have it pretty good, so no real change isn't that bad. I do have to confess to being lax on definitive plans for the past year and unfortunately, my accomplishments show it. I tend to go for the nice and vague goals like "be nicer" or "be more patient." They sound good, but they are much harder to measure so they are much harder to grade as failures. I think I am learning to be a bit more patient, but I'm not sure if that's as accountable to laziness as much as anything else. Again, not that that's a bad thing.

Anyway, as I sit on the cusp of a new year, I really feel like I should give it the old college try (which is kind of amusing, given that the old college try for me was to rack up as many points in the beginning of the class so I didn't have to go later in the semester ... see, lazy). So ... what are the goals for the new year? Oh, I suppose I should start with the typical lose weight - at least that one's measureable (not that I'm going to list the goal in front of G-d and everybody because G-d? He already knows. As for the rest of you ...). I'm going to go for the reading thing again - 20 minutes a day tends to be a good goal for me (may not seem like much, but if it works for kids, it should work for me too, right?). I should go for less lazy at work (and heck, while I'm at it, at home), but I'd like to stick to attainable goals and as for lazy? See the comments above. So what else? I think I'm going to give myself a goal of doing one creative thing this year. Don't know what that will be, but I want to have a place keeper if nothing else. There are the old standbys of being a better, more patient, blah, blah, blah, but again, attainable, so no need to spell them out, right? *ahem* Anyway, I think I should go for something spiritual, but I want it to be something with teeth, so I need to think about it. I guess that's it for now. Happy New Year, everybody. I'm going to bed now.

While Procrastinating Cleaning ...

Figured since it's almost the end of November, I should provide some kind of update. Profound thoughts twice a month, whether I have them or not, that's my motto. Anyway, since I'm looking for a reason to NOT clean the bathrooms and I tend to have my most "profound" thoughts when I'm cleaning (not much else to think about), I figured I'd use this as an opportunity to procrastinate.

It's interesting what we want for our children. First and foremost, we want them to be superhuman. If that's not in the cards, then we want them to be blissfully normal - or at least more normal than we are. Then we figure, if our lives aren't too bad, that we'd be satisfied if they did pretty much the same as we did, without all the emotional baggage and crap. Genetics being what they are, and people not really changing, that's not realistic, but it doesn't stop us from hoping they don't have to go through the same crap that we did. Of course, they will. And of course, all we can do is sit back and watch them make their mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces. But why can't they be like the perfected versions of us? Why does version 2.0 have to go through the same emotional BS that we went through? Why can't we protect them from that or at least teach them that it is BS and shouldn't bother them? Maybe because they aren't robots? Oh, they won't make all the same mistakes we do - they have plenty of their own to make. But they will have bad times as well as good, no matter how hard we try to make it all good.

It's tough being a parent. We want to give our kids what they need, not just what they want, but it's sometimes so hard to tell the difference.

Rush is an Idiot

OK, you can probably guess that knowing my political leanings, I'm pretty satisfied with the election last night. I do hope that this will mean more thoughtful discussion and compromise (although I suspect it'll mean gridlock and finger-pointing). Anyway, because I'm sometimes mean, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh this morning to hear how he was going to spin the election. I love hearing spinmeisters at work. At any rate, I caught him reviewing Santorum's race in my home state. Here's his analysis: PA is full of old people who don't care about the future. They just care that money that should be going to them is going over to Iraq, that's why they are against the war. Santorum's ideas were too revolutionary for them.

Um... no. Just no. I almost truly hope he thinks that because it means the Republicans really don't have a clue. Look, PA has best been described as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, with Alabama in between. Typically Philly goes strong Democrat, and the center of the state offsets it by going strong Republican. Pittsburgh was and always has been what swings the state. Yeah, it's union, but it's full of Reagan Democrats. I grew up there, I know. Anyways, you wanna know the real reason people in Pittsburgh voted against Santorum? The schmuck was living in Virginia and charging the local government for schooling his kids. That's it. He was ripping off the local school board and folks didn't like it. You think I'm joking? You should have listened to the radio stations in Pittsburgh. He acted like a schmuck and he got caught. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, when you think you're perfect, it's hard to see that it might have been something you've done. Let's see if the Republicans learn a lesson.

Attica! Attica!

Ok, so on Monday this week, we get an e-mail from our younger daughter's teacher. Seems that she was asked to sit out of Suzuki lessons because she was being "disruptive." She also was not listening to her teacher very well in regular classes. Needless to say, this didn't go over very well with Gene and I. We kind of pride ourselves in at least attempting to civilize our kids. So Katie did not have a pleasant evening on Monday, spending most of it in her room. I talked to her about how important it was to behave and listen, blah, blah, blah. Then I threatened not to take her to grandma's house that week (horrors! no spoiling!). So on Tuesday, we get a note saying she had a much better day. Problem solved, right? Not exactly. Today, we get a note telling us she had another good day. Um, over report much? I'm wondering if I should invest in orange jumpsuits and teach her how to whittle soap into the shape of a gun. Sheesh.

Bitchy Moods

What do you do when you're in a bitchy mood and you know that you're probably not being reasonable but seem to have no control over your reactions? Yeah, I'm in one of THOSE moods today, where all I want is for people to leave me the hell alone. You might wonder how it differs from any other day (smart ass), but believe it or not, I'm usually pretty nice to people. Except for today. And maybe yesterday. OK, maybe I had a few moments the day before that too, but that's it. Honest.

But now, every time someone asks me to do something, it feels like a major imposition, like why the hell can't you do it yourself? Why do I need to get involved? Like I said, major leave-me-alone mood. Of course, it's days like this when I realize I really gotta find a way to win the lottery.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, freakin' Buy.com STILL hasn't shipped my Supernatural DVDs. Oh, they charged me for them on October 9th, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since. Not buying from them again.

On Being a Utility Infielder

Been thinking some more about the job thing. The only thing that really stinks in how firmly I'm entrenched as a utility infielder. I can do a number of things well - and (at the risk of being immodest), generally do. But there's no one thing that I can say I do better than anyone else. I used to be top of the line accounting type, but it's been so long since I've done that, I don't think anyone sees me in that vein anymore. I do all right in a number of other positions I've filled since then. In fact, I tend to shuffle from job to job, filling in where they need a warm body. If things go particularly well, I'm bound to be shuffled somewhere else so they can get an "expert" in the position. Just like in baseball, every team wants a utility infielder, is glad to have them, but no one is interested in paying big bucks or (G-d forbid) respect to the position. On the bright side, I'm probably about as secure as you can get - moderately competent and cheap. On the downside? Well, let's just say no kid grows up wanting to be Jose Hernandez (betcha don't even know who he is, right?).

Jobs and Hobbies

Well, looks like I probably won't be getting the job I mentioned below. Strangely enough, I can't say I'm upset about it. More to the point, I think I'm relieved. I guess I dislike change more than I realize. Now my only fear is that the guy they want to give the job to turns it down because if that happens? Turmoil city again.

This weekend we had three soccer games. Despite what my younger daughter believes, the girls were on the winning side for all three games. It's really interesting to watch their approach to the games. My older girl plays soccer more for the social aspects. She was on the sidelines goofing with her friends when the game ended. I didn't see, but based on what I heard, I wouldn't be surprised if she was surprised to find out they won the game. She tends to kind of sit back even when she's in the game, taking the ball only when there is absolutely no one else on her team around in a panicked sort of way, looking to kick it away as soon as possible. But she says she likes soccer, so go figure.

The younger girl is actually pretty good. If she would work on her kick, she could be really good. She's much more aggressive and not afraid to get in anyone's face (should I be proud or concerned). Defense is her forte. It's kind of interesting, there's another girl on the team that complements her very well (an offense powerhouse - well, as least as much as you get with a 5 yr old). They played together on the same line only once - they actually started plotting about getting the ball to each other. They were so dominant that the coach won't put them on the same line again (it's really kind of sweet - she also helps coach the other team when they are on her side of the field and the girls can't hear their coach. She just doesn't want to embarrass the other team.) When my daughter's off the field, she follows the game closely, cheering on her teammates. This is the same girl who can't be bothered to remember a thing you tell her five seconds after you tell her. Here's hoping she sticks with the soccer so I'll have something to motivate (threaten?) her later on in re to her schoolwork.

Should I Be Concerned?

This weekend, we took the kids to the Apple Harvest festival. Ideally, we were going to pick apples ourselves. The whipping wind and 40 to 50 degree temperatures dictated otherwise - particularly given that our girls were wearing short sleeve shirts and didn't have jackets (so sue me, I'm a bad mom). Instead we got the stuff-it-to-the-brim $15 bag of apples, where you get as many apples as you can fit into your bag for $15. Which basically means we should be running out of apples sometime next May. And hopefully, hubby's back will recover by then too (just kidding on that part - though the sucker were heavy). We were actually kind of calm in our apple grab compared to some of the others - If it takes two people to carry your apples, one on each handle of the bag because 1) it's too heavy and 2) you can't close the bag, perhaps you've overdone it just a tad.

Anyway, Sunday was grocery shopping and the should I be concerned part of the weekend. A local radio station was supporting some sort of literacy thing at the store and were giving away CDs. We won one, and given that I know little to nothing about popular music, I let my 5 year old pick out the CD. The choices were Nick Lachey, Nickelback (I think), and the American Idol guy with grey hair. Of course, our daughter picked out the American Idol guy, which was slightly embarrassing, but the real kicker? She picked it out because she thought he looked like Dr. Who. *ahem* I think I may have done her irreparable geek harm.

Dialing the Prayer line - Press 1 to sacrifice a goat ...

At work, we used to have a job opportunity line that was not-so-affectionately known as the Prayer Line. It was a bit like playing the old game press-your-luck because you were just as likely to hit a whammy (sucky job) as you were to get something good. Most of the really good jobs were already decided before they even went out on the prayer line. Anyway, this being a new century, we've replaced it with an online version. Given how quickly some jobs disappear, I suspect that the old rules have just been automated, but anyway, I decided to try for one of the positions. It's not that I think I would love the job, it's just that it meets my two major criteria - more money, less stress.

Of course, the last time I tried something like this, I ended up with the worst job of my life. It was the kind of job where by 10:00 in the morning I was done with everything I had to do that day. Sure, the money was good, but I ended up actually begging to get back to my old job. Ultimately, you could say things worked out (I got out after 3 months and still got to keep the money), but it was kind of miserable for me. So needless to say, I'm a bit hesitant. Oh well, there's no saying I'll get the interview anyway. And even if I do, it doesn't mean they offer the job. And even if they do, I don't have to accept, right? Right? Oy, I think I'm approaching this with the wrong attitude.

Down, Doobie do, Down, Down

Haven't posted much recently, mainly because I've been fighting myself. Been kind of depressed lately, and I try not to do anything when I'm depressed. Why share the "joy"? No real reason for being down, just kind of tired and feeling blah. Read a friend's blog about her job and how she really wanted to start doing something else for a living. That's great, but there really isn't anything else I want to do for a living. I can't think of one job that I would want to do for the rest of my life (or even the next 10 years) - let alone one that could allow me to afford the glamorous lifestyle to which I've become accustomed (that's a joke, folks). But seriously, even taking out the money angle, I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be good at whatever I do, but that seems less and less likely. I mean, I'm more of an adequate kind of person. There's nothing I can think of that I do particularly well. A bunch of stuff that I'm ok at, but nothing that I excel at. So, whatterya gonna do? Anyone? *shrug* I can't even think of something I would be good at if I devoted myself to it. Eh, I just need to get things organized a bit more and I'll snap out this. I always do. It just takes a little time.

I'm still here

Figure I should update this somewhat. Let's see ... I'm sick. Again. Some kind of cold thing. Grumble, grumble. School has started. So far, so good, though I'm sick of take-home projects already. What ever happened to normal homework like math or reading? Not much of a touchy-feely kind of person so the "me-bag" and "me-collage" didn't go over too big with me. Um, the kids have known each other for the past couple of years. I somehow doubt a me-bag is going to tell them anything new. I know, I know, it's for the teacher to get to know them ... but after a couple of weeks, I'm sure she'll know more than she wants to so what's the point other than to irritate me? *ahem*

Anyway, younger daughter learned to tie her shoes. I'm happy for her, but what do you do when she doesn't tie them tight enough? Let her go and figure it out later as she trips over the laces? I've kind of done the "you tie one, I'll tie the other routine." Don't want to discourage her, but I also don't want her to break her neck.

Had our first soccer game over the weekend. My daughter's team won. She scored her first goal. Be curious to see how her interest in the sport develops (or doesn't as the case may be).

Let's see, anything else? Not really. Just tired of coughing.

Tired

I'm really tired and depressed today and in the mood to have a pity party. I hate when I feel like this, but once I get into this mode, it's really hard to get out of it. I'm tired of the same issues that come up over and over and over again at work. I'm tired of fighting the same battles. I'm tired of not being good at anything. (I am the queen of adequate - just once I'd like to be good. I used to be good at stuff. I'm just not sure what's happened.) I'm tired of being fat (and please, no helpful hints about how to lose weight - 1) I've seen them all before ... 2) I've done them all before .... 3) I've lost about 20 lbs and still have a ton to go) See, I told you this was going to be a pity me thing. Anybody have any chocolate?

And yeah, I'd regret it if you did offer me chocolate. I'm pretty sure this is just a PMS thing, but it isn't very pretty.

Rush, Rush, Rush

Why does everything always seem like such a rush? It just seems like I don't think anymore, I just react. Get up, get ready, get the kids ready, rush to work, rush to pick up the kids, quick stop through McD's drive-thru (because we are nothing if not health conscious), rush to soccer practice, hurry home to get the kids a shower and into bed so that I can run downstairs and exercise in time to go to bed myself. Yeah, it's quite an exciting life. Whatever happened to all those hours doing ... nothing. Or reading because it was something to do? Now I have to make an effort to read a book (otherwise my reading drops to what I get done in the bathroom while I blow-dry my hair in the morning). How on earth did I ever use to ride bike for hours and still get to bed by 8pm, if I wanted to? And what happens when this merry-go-round stops? Will I suddenly not know what to do with myself?

Oh, and in case you are interested, Katie had fun at soccer. I don't see a World Cup appearance in her future, and I hope she acts slightly less ADD-like the next time, but at least she had fun.

Soccer Practice

Well, we've started our 4 night a week soccer practice schedule. Feel my joy. Tonight is my younger daughter's first practice, which should be interesting. She's not the most disciplined of children. It's not that she's bad or doesn't listen, it's just that she doesn't look like she's listening. Her coach was her older sister's coach this past spring, so at least the coach is familiar with Katie. In a warped sort of way, I'm really looking forward to this. Her sister is very smart, but not very athletic, which meant that she knew how to position herself, but wasn't really fast enough to make a difference in the game. Katie loves to run. I want to see if she can combine some of her sister's smarts with a bit of her athleticism. The only question is how Katie's smarts manifest themselves. You see, she's not exactly conventional smart. She's the kid who when asked to name something small, answered "Microbe", but doesn't want to take the time to learn to read (her sister was reading chapter books by the time she was Katie's age). It's not that she can't, she's just not patient enough to do it right now. I wonder how all of this will manifest itself in an organized sport.

Oh, and one final thing: I don't know how other parents do it, in terms of having their kids involved in multiple activities. I mean, we're just doing soccer this fall, and I feel like we're barely keeping up. Can't imagine what it'll be like once school starts.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Sorry for the lack of bloggage, it's just that nothing too profound has been going on lately. I know, I know, what's the diff? *ahem* So anyway, I'm suffering through a summer cold. I think I hate colds worse than any other affliction, mainly because they aren't bad enough to make you go to bed, just bad enough that you feel kind of lousy. If you have the flu or something, people can tell you're sick. You go to bed for a couple of days and ta-da, you feel better. A cold is the gift that keeps on giving (and giving and giving). Not only that, but it's gross. You're all mucousy and you can't seem to blow enough of it out so you snort. Yeah, real attractive.

So what else is going on? Not much. School starts in a couple of weeks. Yay. I really love the commercials Staples used to have where the parents are dancing around the store to "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Though I have to admit, kinda makes you wonder why you have kids in the first place if you're anxious to get rid of them. I don't think it's really that you want rid of them. I think it's more that you want to get back on a schedule of some sort. School is great for that. Afterschool activities, not so much. Both girls are doing soccer this year. Which means rather than losing 2 nights a week to practice, we lose 4 nights. That's right, instead of both girls having practice on the same night which would have been difficult logistically, but better for sheduling, they have them on off nights. Which means until soccer season is over, we have Mon-Thurs practices and Saturday games. Oi. When's Christmas?

I am a Horrible Mother

Weekend was ...um... interesting. It all started on Friday, although I guess I should say it started on Thursday. On Thursday, I was lifting weights in the basement (yeah, I still haven't quite given up on trying to get into shape). I was doing a military press (note to self, you are not in the military), and the last set was really, really hard. I didn't think much of it, went on to do other lifts and finish my routine. Went to bed and everything was fine. Got up the next morning, everything was fine. Got ready for work, got the kids ready - again, everything is fine. Walked down the steps and ... not so fine. My back felt like a giant had tried to twist me in two. I manage to hobble to the car and get into work. No problem because I can sit most of the day, right? Wrong. About 3pm I can no longer sit, so I drive home and lay down for the rest of the day/night. Believe it or not, this isn't the bad mom part. My younger daughter has a play date on Sunday, so on Saturday, I spend the day alternating between cleaning the house and lying on my back (still not to the bad mom part).

Sunday morning, hubby leaves with the older girl. I go over to get my younger daughter. "I'm sick," she moans. Of course, I'm not convinced. Afterall, she is often "sick" first thing in the morning, so I cajole her into getting up and getting moving. This takes about 2 hours. She's still whining that she's sick. I'm convinced that she just needs to eat something, so I load her in the car and take her to Bob Evans (for some sick reason, my kids love Bob Evans - if that doesn't get them going, nothing will). We get there, she's lying on the table. Literally. I'm kind of ignoring her. Her milk comes. I convince her to drink some. She does and then ... well, let's just say she wasn't kidding about being sick. Milk (or some remnant of it) is everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess with my whopping two napkins. The waitress comes over and runs to get a bucket. My girl is still yarking. When the waitress finally comes back, I've managed to pretty much clean up my daughter (note I am not saying ANYTHING about the restaurant). I offer to take the food as take-out and pay for it. Strangely enough, they were just anxious for us to leave. Needless to say, playdate is cancelled.

And if that doesn't make me a bad mom, how about the fact that I really wasn't that disappointed?

What Is The Measure of Your Success?

Jynx asked some questions on a posting board I frequent which unexpectedly made me uncomfortable. I mean, they weren't overly personal or inappropriate, it's just that they made me uncomfortable, which made me wonder why. You see the questions were all about success and accomplishments - no big deal, right? But then I started to look at my life and ... well, it kind of felt like I didn't have much to show for it. And there's the rub. I'm not unhappy. I like my life. I'd like to be less dependent on my job for cash, but wouldn't we all like to win the lottery? I'm reasonable successful career-wise, I love my hubby and kids, the kids are doing well in school, etc. etc. So why do "success" questions make me uncomfortable? I guess it's kind of a mid-life crisis thing. It doesn't seem like I've DONE anything with my life. I mean sure, I'm comfortable and mostly happy, but I just haven't done anything to make a mark. I don't know what would enable me to feel like I've done something - maybe finish that ever-elusive book, who knows - but it feels like everything in my life is fairly transitory, that I should have spent my time more wisely. I guess it's kind of cracked, but there you are. G-d, this sounds like I'm miserable. I'm really not. It's just that ever-elusive not having "done" anything with my life. I guess most people don't really do anything with their lives, but shouldn't I have tried to do something???

Feeling Kinda Dumpy

Blech. I've been doing the diet thing again. Again. Some more. Anyway, got frustrated when it seemed like I wasn't making any progress and had coffee cake this morning. Yeah, that'll help.

I've been in lurch mode lately and can't seem to shake it. It's when you realize you aren't keeping up with something, say the gardening, so you lurch over to do something about that, spend all your time there and then realize something else is suffering because of it, say cleaning. So then of course, you lurch over there to take care of that and something else suffers. Lather, rinse and repeat. Not a great way to run your life, but it's about as close as I can get to balance lately. I think the whole not being independently wealthy thing has something to do with this. This morning I actually considered a lottery ticket buying strategy as a viable solution. Yeah, I'm nuts.

I think some of it is the fact that I never really did get into a career because I liked the job or the industry or whatever. I got into it to make enough money to do what I want to do. Remember that old expression be careful what you wish for? I think I pretty much got what I wanted and now I feel a bit ... oh, I don't know... trapped? I mean, it's not bad. It's just that I spend a heck of a lot of time doing stuff I couldn't care less about. But to stop and start over? That involves sacrifice - not too big on the giving up of human comforts. Yes, I'm shallow. Anybody have any lottery numbers they recommend?

On Getting Older

I think I finally understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. Ever since I passed 40 and realized that there just might be as much life behind me as there is ahead of me, I've been thinking about getting older. Up until then, it was kind of no big deal. In fact, I would have said I enjoyed getting older, for the most part, because a lot of the hassles of being younger kind of drop away. I'm more financially secure and hopefully more emotionally secure. Then 40 hits. BAM. The body parts start really discovering gravity. BAM. Little niggling injuries start showing up (sore foot, sore back kinds of things, nothing too major .... then ....). BAM. You start hearing from your doctor about getting a yearly physical. That you need to start taking daily medications because your body is starting to decide that a diet of chips and pastries maybe isn't the best choice. BAM. Weight loss becomes a lot harder. Where you used to be able to lose 3-5 lbs a week just by cutting back some now you starve for a month for a lousy pound. So just concentrate on the positive, you say. Let me think... what are the top 5 things about getting older ....hmmmm....

1. You've seen enough changes to realize that everything changes, the good as well as the bad.

2. Nobody really expects you to be in shape anyway.

3. You've accrued enough vacation time and money to go on the really good vacations.

4. Hey, one year closer to retirement!

5. At least you're not dead.

So, that's my list. How about you?

Scaredy Cat

I hate irrational fears. I tolerate them in others, but I especially hate it in myself. I especially hate it when said fears keep you from doing something. All of which makes my incredible fear of heights even more annoying. I KNOW it's not logical, but yet I can't help myself. I don't like heights. More specifically, I don't like heights where there isn't a barrier at least shoulder height. So of course I go out of my way to challenge this fear. By going up in high buildings. And looking down. And nearly passing out.

My particular fear apparently takes on an interesting twist. Whenever I'm up on something high, looking over the edge, a little voice in my head seems to whisper, "Jump," and I can almost feel myself doing it, hurtling down the side of the building or whatever. Not that I've ever actually done it. Yet. So I guess you could say it's not the heights, it's the falling that wigs me out. Not that that makes it any better.

It gets worse the more I think about the situation. I can mentally make the most sound platform seem creaky. I start convincing myself that the building I'm in is structurally unsound. Which maybe why I start thinking of the value of jumping. Who knows? All I know is that heights freak me out and I hate it. They are building a new bridge on the way to work that is higher than the old bridge, and the only thing I can think of is will I be able to cross the new bridge without the whitest knuckles on the planet. Jump.

Can We Make All the Weeks 3 Day Weeks?

Wow, Friday already. I can't believe how quickly the week went. I could handle a few more three-day weeks. I'm not at work long enough to get really pissed off at anything. It's a nice feeling.

You know you're kind of hopeless when two days of doing things "right" seems like a good trend. After mom left on Wednesday morning, I decided to try and get back to doing the things I theoretically should want to do. I'd like to say I want to do them, but given that it's stuff like exercising and not eating everything with a glancing familiarity with sugar, I'm not sure that would be truthful. One good thing about mom's visit is that I did rediscover reading as a fun activity (not just something I do on the plane). Usually, I figure I don't have enough time, but I'm trying to read 20 pages a day of anything, and it's been kind of fun. It all started with the book Pornology (trust me, it's actually one of the funniest books I've read in a long time) when mom was visiting - we sat around so much, I just felt like I had to do something. And yeah, it's fun reading a book about porn with your mom sitting next to you on the couch.

Anyway, I also read some of my erstwhile book yesterday (sorry to jump subjects like this - it's the one I wrote). It didn't seem as bad as I remembered. Might have to start the editing process again.

I'm Such a Slacker

The thing about not posting anything for awhile is that it gets harder and harder to post. It's kind of like watching a soap opera. When you watch every day, it seems like a lot happens, but if you just stop in once in awhile, well, it feels like it's going at a snail's pace.

Anyway, did the vacation thing - went to the UK. Flew into Manchester because the airline wouldn't let us fly into London using frequent flyer miles. Yeah, I'm cheap. Worked out pretty well, since most of what we wanted to see was in Scotland. Spent a few days in North Wales area, walked the walls in Chester (and got a really cool Daleks vacation in Chester drawing - yes, I know, I'm a geek), saw Beaumaris, Conwy and Caernaforn (sp?) castles. Shot over to York - it has totally been Americanized, which was disappointing. Instead of seeing small, local shops, you now see Pizza Hut and Bath and Body Shop. Sad, really. Oh, but we did see an "Everything Under a Pound" store, which was kind of amusing. Walked the walls, saw York Minster, rode the giant ferris wheel (which was a bit disappointing). Worked our way up to Stirling, which thankfully hasn't changed that much since the last time we were there. The castles, I must admit are starting to all blur together already. Good thing my daughter was keeping a diary. I still love Scotland - I think we saw Stirling Castle, Campbell Castle, Tolquhon, and er... a bunch of other places. Drove past Loch Ness, but didn't see Nessie. That's about it. (see what happens when I wait too long to update).

Mom visited for the 4th - it was one of the better visits, mainly because we didn't "do" anything. Usually it's such a rat race around the area, but this time we just kind of hung out with her. I even got some gardening done.

And could this entry be any more boring? Sorry 'bout that. Like I said, it happens when I don't update that much. Hope to get back on track now.

Just Another Manic Monday ...

Seems as though I've been a bit negligent here. Generally, when I don't write anything it's because I'm bumming about something or another and figure why get everyone else down. This time it's been the relentless, mind-crushing, soul-sucking entity known as work. It's not that it's that bad ... ok, maybe it is that bad, but more than any individual issue, it's the soul-sucking sameness of the place. Nothing ever changes. Nothing is going to change. I'll go on vacation, and come back to the same mind-numbing issues I left. Oh sure, the names may change, but the problems and issues remain the same. And I feel powerless to do anything about it. Aren't you glad you asked? (OK, since this is my blog, you didn't really ask, but hey, you chose to read it.)

On another subject, I'm thinking about trying to write again. I want to go back to False Face. I think I could do it better this time. Part of me thinks I should work on Murder House, but for some reason, False Face keeps calling me. I doubt I'll ever do anything with it even if I finish it, but I just feel like I need to dive into some project right now before I becomes consumed by everyday life. It just feels like I spend way too much time doing what needs to be done that I'm afraid if I don't do something to break the pattern, there's not going to be a me to do anything when I finally have the time. Does that make any sense?

Oh, and I just looked it up - Manic Monday was released in 1986 ... 20 years ago. G-d, I'm old.

And can relentlessly depressing be described as a writing style? Think there's a market for it?

If Rainy Days and Mondays Get You Down, What About Both of Them?

Well, I survived Mother's Day ... sort of. I had a mini meltdown, mainly because you know that Walgreen's commercial where the guy tells his wife he thought about getting her a card? That's my husband. Then when he spent the morning putting up a television in his office rather than cleaning the carpet like I asked ... well, right or wrong, I was irritated. No big deal, we both got over it. And I still hate Mother's Day.

Unfortunately, I think I wasted most of the weekend. I'm kind of in one of those stages where you have so much to do that you don't do anything. You know what I mean? Where you fall so far behind, it kind of locks you up? Just me, huh? I hate when I get like this. Ended up napping most of Sunday away. What a waste, particularly with mom-inlaw coming to visit on Thursday. Wonder when I'm going to get the motivation (and time, now) to clean? Oh well.

Not only didn't I clean, but I think I managed to undo an entire month's worth of exercising in one weekend. Mmmm, caramel apple pie from Costco. Yeah, I know, I suck. Happy Monday.

Can we cancel Mother's Day? Please?

Just went out to do that most dreaded task, look for Mother's Day cards. I don't know why I make this so hard. Why not just grab the first non-nauseating card and run? But therein lies the problem: finding a card that isn't a cliche, says something, but doesn't make you want to hurl.

Not only do the darn things cost more than a lot of books, but they tend to fall into a couple of categories. The cliche cards are annoying because they tend to fall under the "humor" category. Their humor reminds me of listening to my 7-year old tell jokes. They may have been mildly amusing the first seven or eight times, but its hard to generate any enthusiasm after you hear/read them a dozen or more times. Most of these play on the "I'm such a wonderful kit, you did a great job" theme and have some innocuous cartoon character on them (I'm looking at you, Snoopy). Yawn.

The second category are what I call the "I don't know you well enough so I'll send flowers" category. They usually have some showy bouquet of flowers (with optional sparklies sprinkled on top) and have all the warmth of a form letter. It's like you can almost see the "insert your mother's name here" marking on the card.

The worst, though, are the mushy, how-can-I-live-without-you cards. They are the ones that basically indicate that I couldn't figure out how to get out of bed without you mother, oh, how we've grown closer and closer over the years, you're the most important person in my life. Barf. Hello, I'm over 40. I'd hope that I might have figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. And I hate to break it to you, but I'm married with a family of my own. If my mom is still the most important thing in my life, there's something terribly wrong with my marriage.

Gah. I hate invented holidays.

Dull, Duller, Dullest

OK, is my life really that boring that I have nothing interesting to say for the last however many days? Don't answer that. Truth is, life keeps tumbling along. Minor things come up, but nothing worth a full blown rant. There's the picture I saw in Sunday's paper about an anti-war protest in NYC. The featured sign said something to the effect that Bush was more evil than bin Laden. And that's the problem with the whole "peace movement." If you want to be taken seriously, you have to move away from silly stuff like that. OK, I didn't vote for Bush (4 times, if you count the father and I actually had some modicum of respect for him), but I don't think he's sitting in the White House, twirling his black mustache and practicing his villainous laugh. He has made decisions I disagree with - period. What is gained by such exaggeration? Truthfully, it diminishes your argument against the guy. Whatever.

Other than that, my life had personified mundane. Spent Saturday pulling weeds - talk about an exercise in futility. I mean really, why bother? It took me all day to generate 3 bags of garbage and I didn't even finish all of the planting areas. By the time I get to the rest, the stuff I did this weekend will be disastrous again. I hate jobs that don't have a "done" to them. Did manage to exercise as well, which lead to being very tired on Sunday, when I had to take the younger rugrat to a birthday party. It was a swimming party - and trust me, this body is not ready for bathing suits. I was thrilled when I realized I wouldn't have to squeeze myself into a suit and settled down to watch her play with her friends. Then she decided the slide would be fun. Couple of problems: 1. I'm at the opposite end of the swimming pool from the slide; 2. The water in the slide area is 3.5 feet deep (about the same as the rugrat's height); and 3. She can't swim. So I go charging over to pull her from the slide pool, praying like crazy I don't have to jump in with my jeans (life guards, you say? yeah, right). Thankfully, there's a jet of water that pushes her to the side, and I reach over to pull her to safety. End of problem, right? No, she goes down the slide several more times. Yeah, I'm a good mom.

Two to Tango?

First off, thanks Jynx. I wanted to post something but haven't had time lately. This is fun and pretty easy.

Two Names You Go By:
1. Paula
2. Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Khaki slacks
2. Light aqua golf shirt

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Love
2. Respect

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. Sleep
2. To lose weight

Two Pets You Have/ Had:
1. Samantha (also known as "that damn cat")
2. Shayler (beautiful, black German shepherd from childhood)

Two Favorite Sports:
1. Biking
2. Swimming

Two Things You Did Last Night:
1. Lifted weights and exercised
2. Watched Chicken Run with my older girl (she was sick)

Two Favorite Places to Eat:
1. Blue Moon Café
2. Beni hana's

Two People That Live in Your House:
1. Katie
2. Sarah

Two Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My intelligence
2. My perserverence

Two Things You Ate Today:
1. Pretzels
2. Some kind of Pizza sandwich

Two People You Last Talked To:
1. Sales rep
2. Boss

Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow:
1. Going to the theater
2. That work thing

Two Things That Make You Laugh:
1. Katie's questions
2. The first season of the new Dr. Who

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. 4th of July

Two Last Films You've Seen:
1. Chicken Run
2. Ella Enchanted (I told you, my kid was sick)

Changes

Just a side question before I start: why am I so much more articulate and passionate when I'm driving in the car than when I sit down at the computer. This morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to say as I was driving into work. Now, well, it all sounds rather trite. Oh well, here goes anyway:

I want to be so much better than I am. I feel so out of control in my life. And the sad thing is, for the most part, I know what to do to BE better ... and I still make the wrong choices. I want to lose weight, but given the choice between a carrot stick and a chocolate bon-bon? Well, let's just say the rabbits will never go hungry. I want to be in better shape, but exercise? That's too much like work. It just seems like I invariably make the wrong decision. And yes, I know it is MY choice. That's what makes it worse. It's like I'm not serious about changing things. What's even scarier is the situation at work - I want to do better, but honestly? I don't know how. I don't know what to do to make myself a better employee (working on actual work rather than this blog might be a good start, but I digress). And this scares me.

I was talking to someone the other week about what motivates them to make the choices they make. I wasn't sure what motivated me. Today, I think I realized what it is. It's the fear of losing something important to me (trust me, this'll all circle around to a point ... I hope). You see, I lost a lot of folks important to my life at a very young age. And I never want that to happen again. That's why I'm desperate to keep a job that I dread going to - it gives me the resources to do other things that are important (schooling for the kids being a big one). I'm scared to death of disrupting their lives - that's why I don't want things to change. So I stay hear, fearful that one day they (the powers that be at work, or whatever) will discover that I don't know what else to do, that I've outlived my usefulness, and dump my arse out on the street. Then what happens?

Anyway, that's my puddle of goo state of mind today. Great way to start a Monday.

Lovable Losers

You may or may not know that I am a huge sports fans. Wait, check that. I'm actually a huge fan of Pittsburgh sports teams. Which has basically meant that I live for football season and suffer through hockey and baseball. Of the two suffering sports, baseball is the one I feel most passionately about. Trust me, it's not easy rooting for a team that hasn't seen a winning season in 13 years. But I grew up with them. I used to argue with my Grandma about Willie Stargell (she hated him, I loved him). I would sit by the radio listening to Lanny Frattare and score the games. I was hooked big time. I knew the stats and followed the trades - nobody could have been happier when we scored Bill Madlock. But now ... well, it's hard. Every year you think this is the year that that well stocked minor league system pays off. And every year, last year's phenom gets shelled (case in point ... Oliver Perez ... and Zack Duke ... and probably Paul Maholm unless he starts pitching better). Suffice to say, it's hard. I've taken to looking at the rankings as a two team race between the Pirates and the team immediately ahead of them, creating a pseudo-pennant race in my head - and they STILL don't really compete. So what's a girl to do? Skip over to the Yankees like some fair weather Johnny Damon? No way. Someday ... (probably not, but you gotta keep dreamin', right?)

Moving On

I've been doing a bit more reading lately and discovered something: I like reading more than I like writing. I also have realized that while it's fun writing the intial story, the editing and stuff? Not so much fun. It's then when I realize that I'm not a particularly good writer. I mean, I'm ok, but given the amount of time I've spent trying to edit the one thing I did finish ... it's really not worth it. It's not really all that much fun, and all it really does is point out something I thought was pretty good when I first wrote it isn't all that great.

So what does this all mean? I think I'm going to forget about the first book. I don't think it's worth the hassle of trying to salvage it. The storyline is ok, but it's structured all wrong. It needs to start out more exciting. I'm thinking about going back to the original first book I was working on and see what I can do with that, but ultimately, this will just be for me. My job is my job. This isn't my job and never will be and that's ok. I will do it when it's fun and go on to something else when its not fun. It's going back to what it always should have been - a fun hobby. Maybe this sounds strange to some of you, but I did harbor this feeling that I could quit work and live off of writing, but I really don't think I want to do that. Besides the statistical improbability of being able to do that, writing should be fun. I've been avoiding working on writing for fear I needed to finish what I've already started. Why? I have enough things in my life that I have to do, why make my hobbies un-fun?

Jealous Much?

OK, about a week in and my willpower sucks. So much for starting again again. Looks like I'm back to again again again.

Anyway, this week the kids are on Spring Break. Hubby has taken off the week because he has a boatload of vacation and he starts losing it if he doesn't use it. It's great and he's great with the kids, but I can't help but feel a little jealous. They went hiking on Monday, to an IMAX movie and the science center on Tuesday, toured the state capital on Wednesday (got in the Lt. Gov's office and everything), and are going down to DC today for cherry blossom festival time. Me? I'm sitting behind a computer working on spreadsheets. Again. Some more. Sometimes life isn't fair, ya know?

Starting Again...Again

Well, this is it. This is the day that I start taking care of myself again. Enough wasting time, enough eating things that aren't even that good. I mean it this time. Honest I do. Oooo, are there sugar cookies over there?

*Sigh* About eleven years ago, I did a pretty amazing thing. After a lifetime of doing nothing but eating and lamenting my yearly weight gain, I changed my life completely. I go to within 3 pounds of what I weighed in 7th grade. It was pretty awesome and I was stoked. So stoked that I couldn't ever imagine letting things get out of control again. Fast forward to my first child. I ate. A lot. I blamed it on stress - I had switched jobs so I wouldn't have to travel and hated the new job. Truth was I was using the pregnancy thing to go nuts. So I had the kid and oh boy, I was going to get back on the stick. Nothing was going to stop me. Much. Except another pregnancy. And more stress. And more laziness. Now here I am today looking like stay-puff the marshmallow man after swearing I'd never do it again.

Oh, I start to do the right things pretty much every day. It sometimes even lasts until about 10:00 in the morning. I'd love to just say stuff it all and eat bon-bons, but now I'm paying for my indescretions with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You'd think I'd know better, but still ...it's chocolate you know. And French Fries. And about anything else you enjoy eating. And you know, that bed looks awfully inviting. I know, I'll go to bed earlier and get up early tomorrow to exercise. Honest.

Posting for the Sake of Posting

Really should try to update this, but while there have been various thoughts floating around in my head, there really hasn't been anything I wanted to rant on about. Oh well, so here goes the smaller thoughts in my head:

1. Read an article about how the world is becoming more conservative because conservates are having more babies. Somehow, that's not enough to make me want to reproduce again.

2. Read an article about Oppenheimer, where I read the scariest and most logical explanation/rationale for dropping the atomic bomb. You see, we really didn't have to drop it to defeat Japan (lots of info on the subject, if you hunt for it; generally, historians agree on this point). The point Oppenheimer made was that if we didn't drop the bomb at the end of WWII and truly understand how horrible a weapon this was, the next war might have been totally nuclear. Think about it. Korea was the next war. Can you imagine if the US and USSR had turned that one nuclear?

3. Why is that I have a whole list of stuff that needs to get done, but come night time, all I want to do is sleep?

That's all for now. Except to say if you were a Dallas Cowboy fan, should you be rejoicing and sobbing about signing Terrell Owen?

Sittin' and Thinkin' in Sunny California

So this week is the big show, which means I basically answer e-mails half the day and stay on my feet talking about my product to mildly interested passersby for the other half. In between I eat and I ponder and try to avoid spending too much time with other people. Yeah, I'm that anti-social. Not that they are bad people, it's just that every time I go to one of these shindigs, the fact that I'm not really that interested in what I do for a living becomes ever more obvious. Oh, I care, I guess...I mean, I want to do a good job, but if the fairy of good fortune bonked me on the head and said I could have anything I wanted, this job would not be top of the list (winning lottery ticket usually takes that place). I sometimes think I'm just lazy - I mean, really, there is NOTHING I want to do for a living. Oh, I think I'd like to write, but I haven't even managed to take the time to edit the one book I did finish. I'd like to bike-ride, but no one really wants to pay you to do that. I'm great at things no one will ever pay me for - vacations, movies, that sort of things. It's just the thought of trying to make money that is a brick wall. I was at breakfast this morning, listening to a guy talk about his retirement plans, using every cliche he could think of trying to sound "deep" ... and you know what? Not me. And I feel as though I'm surrounded by folks trying too hard to sound earnest. Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic ... or maybe I just want to go home (also true, I actually miss the rugrats ... and hubby of course). I dunno, it just feels like this shouldn't be all there is....that I should be doing something about it. But then I figure, hey, I can afford to do what I want to do, even if there seems to not be enough time, and why start over again. I guess that is it. I am just lazy. *Yawn* I think I'm going to go read for awhile.