Just a side question before I start: why am I so much more articulate and passionate when I'm driving in the car than when I sit down at the computer. This morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to say as I was driving into work. Now, well, it all sounds rather trite. Oh well, here goes anyway:
I want to be so much better than I am. I feel so out of control in my life. And the sad thing is, for the most part, I know what to do to BE better ... and I still make the wrong choices. I want to lose weight, but given the choice between a carrot stick and a chocolate bon-bon? Well, let's just say the rabbits will never go hungry. I want to be in better shape, but exercise? That's too much like work. It just seems like I invariably make the wrong decision. And yes, I know it is MY choice. That's what makes it worse. It's like I'm not serious about changing things. What's even scarier is the situation at work - I want to do better, but honestly? I don't know how. I don't know what to do to make myself a better employee (working on actual work rather than this blog might be a good start, but I digress). And this scares me.
I was talking to someone the other week about what motivates them to make the choices they make. I wasn't sure what motivated me. Today, I think I realized what it is. It's the fear of losing something important to me (trust me, this'll all circle around to a point ... I hope). You see, I lost a lot of folks important to my life at a very young age. And I never want that to happen again. That's why I'm desperate to keep a job that I dread going to - it gives me the resources to do other things that are important (schooling for the kids being a big one). I'm scared to death of disrupting their lives - that's why I don't want things to change. So I stay hear, fearful that one day they (the powers that be at work, or whatever) will discover that I don't know what else to do, that I've outlived my usefulness, and dump my arse out on the street. Then what happens?
Anyway, that's my puddle of goo state of mind today. Great way to start a Monday.
About Me
- hftr
- I'd admit to going through mid-life crisis, but that would be admitting I'm not immortal. If it's a show that won't last through a season, I probably watch it. If it's horror tinged, I've probably read it.
1 comment:
We love your puddle of goo! =)
Honestly, I totally understand what you're saying... I HATE being out of control of my life, but it seems as if I am as well - no matter how much I try. I know it doesn't actively help your situation to sympathize, but maybe it will make you feel better to know that you're not the only one?
The good thing is that you know what it is that motivates you: fear. And, though some would argue that it shouldn't BE fear, if it works for you, then it works. In many cases, other factors motivate other people - would you rather say that LAZINESS motivates you? I don't think so.
We all hate change... some of us more than others. And, sometimes, we're forced to change whether we like it or not. Often, that's when the best growth occurs.
Have you ever considered looking for other jobs - covertly - and possibly even interviewing for them? Not because you're afraid that you might be cast out and HAVE to have a backup... but just to see what else is out there? To see what other people are doing... what other offers and benefits are being put on the table? It prolly couldn't hurt to "shop" around a bit. At least then, you'd know and you could take control and make an active decision to either stay at work (because it really IS your best offer) or to leave and do something else (because you found something more suited for you).
Just a thought. Either way, we're glad you're around... good luck with this struggle!! =)
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