I went to a very dark place this weekend. I hesitated to talk about it because, well, I suspect everyone goes there, but no one really wants to think/talk about it. Anyway, sometimes I wonder why I'm here. I mean why are any of us here? What difference does it make if we're here or not? What purpose do we serve? Sometimes, it feels like I'm just going through the motions, working towards (or pretending to work towards) some future that never comes. What difference does any of it all make? Why bother?
I can't say that I have a good solution. Most of the times, this feeling is the 800 lb gorilla that I shove in the corner until it goes away. But at some level, it's always there. Sometimes life seems quite pointless (I should digress and say this isn't a hey, I'm going out and shoot myself thing, just a ... *shrugs* demotivational thing?). I try to go back to G-d's word to see what the purpose is. Do justice ... love mercy ... walk humbly with your G-d. But really, do justice? How? My little part of the world is too little make much of a difference. Love mercy? Ok, fine, but again, to what end? Walk humbly with G-d? I wish I could say that this was enough, but I'm not even sure why He would want to. I mean really, He's fully complete in and of Himself. Why bother with us, who can do nothing but disappoint? *shrugs* I'm not realy that down, but sometimes nothing seems to make much sense.
About Me
- hftr
- I'd admit to going through mid-life crisis, but that would be admitting I'm not immortal. If it's a show that won't last through a season, I probably watch it. If it's horror tinged, I've probably read it.
1 comment:
I hear you and often join you in going to "dark places".
My Faith sort of directs me in this particular regard so I have a belief in why we're here... and I fully believe that my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ love us all enough to want to walk with us.
My struggle is just more along the lines of persevering. Honestly, my life here is often loathesome. And no matter how I would like to change it - do something, be something else, it stays the same.
I think we all go through periods like this. Some of us more than others. I suppose this is where the "Faith, HOPE, and Charity" parts come in. Sure, you can have a belief in something and you can perform good acts. But unless you have that HOPE that it will all come together and work out (or, "pay off", if you will), then I think that's were it all starts not making sense.
Hang in there... I would suggest expressing this to Him to see if you get any impressions in return... of course, He may just leave you to sit with it for a while. Either way, know that I understand - trust me, do I understand! And you're not alone...
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