On Death and Dying

The doctors told my mother-in-law today that my father-in-law has only a couple of weeks to live. He's still pretty much in denial, still wanting to go car shopping or whatever. I hear his actions and shake my head, thinking why would you want to spend your last days like that. It's easy to be superior when it's not you in the situation. I look in the mirror, frown at a few more wrinkles, worry about the hair I find in the sink and my ever-expanding waistlline, but turn away and figure I have years before I have to think about dying. I don't feel any different than I did when I was twenty, so I can't be that old, right? But ...

But what if you did know you had only two weeks to live? Would you spend those two weeks in denial? Would you rail against the unfairness of it all? What difference would your faith make? It's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do when you really don't have to face the situation, but I'm guessing it's quite a different matter when it actually is you. My mother-in-law has a great attitude, particularly when you consider that she and my father-in-law probably should have divorced years ago. She says she just wants to enjoy him while he's here. Hubby snidely suggested she might mean tolerate, but she corrected him and said, no, enjoy was the word she meant. It's kind of interesting and nice to know that she still remembers that at one time she loved him enough to marry him. I hope I'm that way if need be some day (I hope even more that I don't have to be, but that's another rant).

Oh, and for the record, while I really don't have to think about it seriously, if I ever get to the point that I definitely only have a couple of weeks left? I'm going to go to Santorini, Greece, and sit on the beach.

Owning Up to Your Feelings

I was raised in a family where ugly emotions were ignored. Oh, there was the regular shouting, but that wasn't because anyone was angry - they were just trying to get your attention. Riiiiight. No one was allowed to be sad or angry or jealous or selfish (except when they were, and then the rest of the family was supposed to make up excuses for why a particular person behaved the way they did). I've carried that notion thoughout my life, which made it really hard to determine if my reactions were normal or overreactions to situations. I would sit and analyze the situation until I could warp it around so that it really wasn't the way I thought it was.

So anyway, as an adult, I have trouble dealing with negative emotions in myself. I'm sure that I'm overreacting. And heaven forbid I should ever admit to one of the negative emotions. Like right now, I'm jealous and feeling disrespected. Mainly because I wasn't invited to a meeting at work. The real crazy thing is that I really don't want to go to the meeting, yet I feel envious of those who are in the meeting. They are the "important" people. And what am I? Chopped liver? How cracked do you have to be to think like this? I mean, there are people in positions that I have zero respect for, but I'm still jealous of them. All because of my own blooming insecurity, that I'm not good enough and this proves it. I can logically look at the situation and say I'm cracked, but yet I still feel dissed. Strange, no?

Last Things

And another week goes by. Not doing as great as I would like to on the New Year's Resolutions thing, but probably doing how I expected. It's funny but a lot of my goals are really based on the fact that I figure I got years left. I mean, really, if you knew you were going to die in a couple of weeks, would you really deny yourself chocolate? Would you waste your time exercising in a smelly basement? What would you do?

Seems a strange question, but I've been thinking about it a lot more lately. My parents/in-laws generation is starting to creep into the not-to-many-years-left zone and starting to decline in health. Two things in particular brought the subject up. The first is my father-in-law, who is dying and knows that he's dying. Given that, you'd think he'd spend his last couple of weeks enjoying life, right? Nope, he's spending it bitching about cars and trying to negotiate with a car dealer for a boat his wife will never be able to drive. Now maybe that's fun for him, but I just can't imagine spending my last days dealing with a used car salesman. The other is my aunt, who has been in the hospital for the last couple of months. She hasn't been able to eat (or hasn't wanted to eat) anything. I can't imagine that. Apparently, it happens a lot as you get older. Kind of makes you rethink the dieting thing, huh? I mean if you eventually don't enjoy eating (hard for me to imagine), you might as well eat what you can when you can. Doubt I'll go that route, but it is tempting.

In Praise of Micromovements

Well, I actually managed to accomplish my three task for yesterday and feel pretty good about myself. It's funny, I'm the queen of list making - I usually have a list about six pages long of things I should be doing. Which usually means I don't do anything because I'm overwhelmed by the list. It's kind of like Rimmer on Red Dwarf who spent so much time planning his study time that he never actually got around to studying. That's what's so great about micromovements. Anybody can find 5 minutes in their schedule. You can actually accomplish something and mark it off the list. It's amazing how good it feels to say you did what you said you were going to do. So, today's list? I'm going for another page of editing, another counter in the bathroom, and getting out paper and pencils to draw if I so choose. Baby steps, right?

Succulence

OK, so I'm reading this book "The Bodacious Book of Succulence - Daring to Live Your Succulent Wild Life" and it asked what samll thing are you willing to do that will help your life be more succulent? First question, again, is what is succulent (just call me dictionary girl)? Well, I had to combine a couple of definitions, but essentially, we're talking full of juice, highly interesting or enjoyable. Heh. How often do I think of my life as something that can be succulent? I guess it should be, but it seems like there are a bunch of shoulda's or gotta's that get in the way. Anyway, the author's point in this section is that you can make very small changes that can greatly increase your appreciation of life. She talks late about micromovements, saying that the reason we often fail is that we make our goals too large. Interesting stuff.

Anyway, so what are my planned small things? Hmmm, let's see ... I think I'm going to clean one of the counters in the bathroom tonight (not the whole thing, just one counter). I also am going to edit just one page of my book today at lunch. No more than one. Oh, and I'm going to read a chapter of a just-for-fun book while sitting in my favorite chair cuddled in a blankie. How's that sound?

On Being Glad

Was reading a book at lunchtime that asked me to list the things that make me glad. The first thing I had to do was look up the word "glad" in the dictionary. Hey, I didn't want to put down something that made me happy but not glad. I had to have the definition RIGHT. Anyway, the definition was as follows: "feeling joy or pleasure; delighted; pleased" OK, so it's pretty close to happy, but not EXACTLY the same (humor me). Anyways, here's my list in no particular order. I challenge anyone reading this to come up with their own list.

Red licorice and Swedish fish

Hiking on Hadrian's Wall (or any place else, really)

A Clean house (shut up, this is my list)

Gardening when there are no time pressures

Swinging my younger daughter upside down

Reading with either of my daughters, but particularly the older one because she doesn't really need me to read with her but likes me to anyway

Swimming or biking with my husband (particularly finishing a long ride)

Reading a good book, especially if it involves a rainy day, a fireplace and a blanket

Toasted marshmellows

And I have to admit a song from my college days came back to me as well. The phrase in particular? "Be ye glad, oh be ye glad, every sin that you ever had has been paid up in full by the grace of the Lord, be ye glad, be ye glad, be ye glad."

Creativity

Do I lead what might possibly be the most boring life? Not that I mind. I'm actually kind of partial to boring. Anyway, trying to figure out what I'm going to do that is creative this year. Part of me figures I should start writing again. Then again, another part of me figures I should edit the book I've already written and see if I can make anything of it. Of course, being a first novel it probably sucks, but hey, I read lots of stuff that sucks. That doesn't seem to stop anyone else. I've also toyed with drawing. Not that I have any talent for it, but I figure it takes less time than writing and I have no where to go but up. While being a competent but not great writer can only lead to frustration, going into something where I know that I don't have talent can only lead to improvement, from truly dreadful to sometimes, if I look at it, it can be not bad. OK, is this some of the most bizarre logic you've ever heard or what?

As for other goals, I didn't exercise last night. I did read. Learned that Salmon Chase was an egotistical jerk, and that basically Lincoln outmanuevered his rivals by being a better politician than they were. His rallying cry? I'm number 2. Hey, it worked. Kind of. If you don't count that assassination thing, that is.

So....How's It Going?

New year - day 2. One other thing I forgot to mention is that I'm actually going to try and keep this thing updated. No really. Honest. I mean it. I think.

Anyway, yesterday had the typical, New Year's clean-up. Washed the basement carpet, cleaned out the cars, cleaned one of the bathrooms. Yes, I really know how to have fun. Anyway, so far, so good in that at least yesterday I didn't eat everything that wasn't tied down and got in some exercise. I'm also going to try that learn one thing a day thing. Yesterday I learned that Lincoln asked his three closest rivals for the Presidency to become members of his cabinet. I'm reading through (or trying to) Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals" - that should help on the one-new-thing-a-day goal for awhile. I envy that woman. She's just so intelligent and such a good researcher and has an ideal job of researching the hell out of interesting subjects. Can I be her when I grow up? Oh, you mean I'm already fully growed? *sigh*