Quick, Alert the Media...

I'm actually feeling pretty laid back - and dare I say happy - today. Maybe it's just because it's Friday. Maybe it's because some projects that I've been backing are suddenly getting funded. Don't know and don't care. I'm just happy that I don't feel like I'm being pelted with pointed sticks. OK, yeah, so it's early - early enough for things to change. I don't care. I'm going to go with this feeling for a change. It's an odd one for me of late.

Which leads to the question of why is being happy an odd feeling? I mean, really, life is pretty good. No money worries, two sweet children, loving husband ... no pony or Angela Jolie body yet, but I'm working on it. So why do I so often choose to dwell on the negative? It's almost like I'm afraid not to, that if I allow myself to go with the flow, G-d will smite me or something (or maybe that's just hatgirl). How silly is that? It's like the old, warped view of Puritans that they stay up at night worrying that someone, somewhere might possibly be happy. I don't want to dwell on the negative - or at least I don't think I do. Maybe it's my fear of my own innate laziness, that if I don't apply constant pressure, I will become the lady on the couch eating bon-bons and watching Jerry Springer (speaking of which, is Jerry still on the air). All I know is it's times like this that I really miss bike riding. Used to be when I'd tense out, I'd go for a couple hour ride and at the end, my mind would be clear. Somehow machines in the basement don't give me the same kind of rush. Oh well, I guess I should cheer up. Maybe in another ten years one of the girls will go biking with me. Of course, by then, I'll probably be back on training wheels or something.

Goals ... Objectives ... Gee, I hope they happens

Just thinking that I've started to get some traction on some stuff that's been bugging me, all without writing down my goals. I always figured that writing down your goals was a good thing, as it made them more real, more like a to do list. Unfortunately, I hate someone telling me what to do ... even myself ... so the more I wrote them down, the less chance I had of actually doing them. It's what caused my Rimmer loop - I didn't get any of my goals accomplished, so I'd spend time revising them rather than actually trying to achieve anything, leading to a few more days slipping by. Pretty soon weeks and months have passed. But still ... I can't help but want to write them down so I can cross them off the list. Is this neurotic or what?

And Now For Something Completely Different ...

Blech. Getting tired of my own belly-aching so I'm going to try something more lighthearted (see, I told you my musings tend to get dull and depressing). And for the record, there are no men with taperecorders in their nostrils in the entire entry:

1. How is it that my oh-so-sophisticated 7 year old daughter realizes there is no Santa and no Easter bunny, but she still believes in the tooth fairy? I suspect it may be a money grab on her part, but still ...

2. Why is it that a bad book suddenly becomes not so bad when it's on sale for US$0.10 per each?

3. Why is it that the very day you decide to start dieting, someone brings in a chococolate, chocolate chip cake?

4. Why do I feel more tired if I don't exercise, but when I do exercise, while I do have more energy, all that energy is expended exercising? I mean, really, what's the advantage of that?

5. Does anyone actually enjoy 90 degree weather? And why is it, the older I get, the more I prefer the 60's, yet I still don't like the supercold of winter?

6. If I so dislike my cat, why was I worried all last week when she wouldn't eat?

7. What is the purpose of weeding anyway? Aren't you really just making a more inviting spot for other weeds?

8. How is it that when you are desperate, clothing magically gets cleaner by sitting in a pile on a chair? (or is that tmi?)

9. In today's tell-all world, how far out has the line been pushed for too-much-information?

10. Why isn't chocolate considered a health food.

That's all for now.

What is success?

OK, Jynx suggested that I make a list of things that would make me feel successful. I'd like to say that being faithful to the whole Micah 6:8 "do justice, love mercy, walk humbly with God" is enough to make me feel successful, but I'd be lying. While I know it's supposed to be what we aim for, it just feels like words. Nice words, but kind of hollow and shapeless all the same. So what do I want? I want to feel successful at work. I want someone to say "Good job" once in awhile. Yeah, I know I'm looking for validation from external sources which isn't exactly the most mentally stable thing to do, but if I'm being honest, that is what I want. I want to be able to come into work without worrying about the next layoff. I want to have a firm grasp of what is expected of me. I want to go home and have enough energy to enjoy my family, to be involved and loving to my family. I want to have the inclination to actually do something special for the family. I want to be able to accomplish stuff in the evening ... scrapbooking, writing, reading, cleaning, gardening, whatever. I want to go to bed feeling confident that I did everything I could that day. Oh, and I want a pony and a winning lottery ticket and a body like Angela Jolie. That's not too much to ask, is it?

So ... Now What?

Not sure why or what I'm going to type here, which means I should probably step away from the keyboard. Now. But a lot of emotions and feelings seem to be swirling around in me, and since why should I be the only one bothered with this stuff, here's my ramble...

Physically, I ache all over from doing a bit too much cleaning and gardening. The question I have is why am I spending so much time on stuff that is transient in nature? Who give a flying fig if there are weeds everywhere? And no matter how well I do these things, they will always need done again. Why do I spend my time on this stuff? Isn't there something more important I should be doing? Or is my life destined for total meaninglessness? How do I make a difference? Is it already too late? I've come to the conclusion that I'm not good at finishing things. Quite honestly, finishing things bores me. It's always kind of been like that. I don't know whether it is fear or what, but when things settle into routine, I tend to bail. In my job, I only like doing stuff when it's new. Once I've done it a time or two, I'm bored. That's not a very mature attitude. I think it'll also stop me from every doing anything of long term value.

But why do I care? The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation, right? Why should I be any different? I've been told all my life that I'm "special" - except, of course, by my family, but that's a whole other rant. When I became a Christian, I was told that the whole floor of my dorm was praying for me, thinking if I could put my energy to use for the Lord, wow, what a force I could be. But then I became a Christian and promptly did nothing great. I got a job and was told how quickly I picked up on stuff, how creative my mind was. Got a bunch a great reviews to back it up. Now here I sit, almost 20 years later, fearing for my job and waiting for weekends, not wanting to be promoted again. I was told I had some ability to write, so I finally tried to write. Got a first draft finished and everything. And now I lack the ability/drive/motivation to edit the darn thing and see if I actually do have any ability. (Part of that one has to do with being dropped by some folks I considered friends, but that's another moan ... Let's face it, I'm ultimately responsible for me and what I do. Not them, me. So I'm the one who chose not to go further, but ...why?)

Is my life destined to be one unfinished project after another? Will I spend my time chasing transient goals because it's somehow easier than doing something meaningful? Will I ever feel successful in any aspect of my life? Don't get me wrong, I know I've had more success than many (as the world defines it), but it also seems so transient, so ... empty. Will I personally ever feel successful. Nevermind. Delete and rewind. Dwelling on this shit does nothing of value. So why do these thoughts keep invading my conscious mind?

Tolerance vs. Opinion

Yeah, I'm back. Let the rejoicing begin.

Anyway, going to get a bit serious here. I know, me? Go figure. I've just read something on a posting board where the person was pontificating about how tolerant they were and how they hated intolerance more than anything in the world ...blah, blah, blah, woof, woof, woof. In fact, they were so tolerant, I wouldn't have been surprised to see their brain dribble out their ear. Apparently, to be tolerant in this person's world view, you cannot judge or have an opinion on anything - that's intolerant. How hypocritical. So if your world view/faith view/whatever says that something is wrong, being consistent with that view is intolerant. I don't think so, Tim. H

Having an opinion is not the same as intolerance. Intolerance, to me, is going out and making sure anything that disagrees with your world view is destroyed. I don't like books about aliens, so I burn all the books about aliens. I don't like songs about drinking and bad love affairs, so I destroy every country album ever made. I don't like homosexuals, so I beat the crap out of them and make sure they know I think they are scum. That's intolerance. However, to say that I find books about witchcraft offensive or against my faith so I personally will not read them is not. That is an opinion. Saying that I am personally offended by songs with the word fuck every other lyric so I won't listen to it is not. Heck, even saying I don't want my kids to listen to them is not - that's just good parenting. Likewise, saying that in my faith, homosexuality is a sin and when asked, I will express this view is not intolerant so long as it doesn't change how you treat the person (hate the sin, love the sinner as they say). I get so tired of folks attacking primarily people of the Christian faith as intolerant when all they are doing is being consistent. Making a judgment based on your beliefs is not intolerant.

For the record, I am a fundamentalist Christian who is also socially VERY liberal. I have not yet made a personal decision on homosexuality for a number of reason I won't go into here. However, I cannot condemn anyone else for reaching a different opinion. So long as they treat people with the respect due any creation of God, I'm fine with whatever opinion you want to hold.