I am a Horrible Mother

Weekend was ...um... interesting. It all started on Friday, although I guess I should say it started on Thursday. On Thursday, I was lifting weights in the basement (yeah, I still haven't quite given up on trying to get into shape). I was doing a military press (note to self, you are not in the military), and the last set was really, really hard. I didn't think much of it, went on to do other lifts and finish my routine. Went to bed and everything was fine. Got up the next morning, everything was fine. Got ready for work, got the kids ready - again, everything is fine. Walked down the steps and ... not so fine. My back felt like a giant had tried to twist me in two. I manage to hobble to the car and get into work. No problem because I can sit most of the day, right? Wrong. About 3pm I can no longer sit, so I drive home and lay down for the rest of the day/night. Believe it or not, this isn't the bad mom part. My younger daughter has a play date on Sunday, so on Saturday, I spend the day alternating between cleaning the house and lying on my back (still not to the bad mom part).

Sunday morning, hubby leaves with the older girl. I go over to get my younger daughter. "I'm sick," she moans. Of course, I'm not convinced. Afterall, she is often "sick" first thing in the morning, so I cajole her into getting up and getting moving. This takes about 2 hours. She's still whining that she's sick. I'm convinced that she just needs to eat something, so I load her in the car and take her to Bob Evans (for some sick reason, my kids love Bob Evans - if that doesn't get them going, nothing will). We get there, she's lying on the table. Literally. I'm kind of ignoring her. Her milk comes. I convince her to drink some. She does and then ... well, let's just say she wasn't kidding about being sick. Milk (or some remnant of it) is everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess with my whopping two napkins. The waitress comes over and runs to get a bucket. My girl is still yarking. When the waitress finally comes back, I've managed to pretty much clean up my daughter (note I am not saying ANYTHING about the restaurant). I offer to take the food as take-out and pay for it. Strangely enough, they were just anxious for us to leave. Needless to say, playdate is cancelled.

And if that doesn't make me a bad mom, how about the fact that I really wasn't that disappointed?

What Is The Measure of Your Success?

Jynx asked some questions on a posting board I frequent which unexpectedly made me uncomfortable. I mean, they weren't overly personal or inappropriate, it's just that they made me uncomfortable, which made me wonder why. You see the questions were all about success and accomplishments - no big deal, right? But then I started to look at my life and ... well, it kind of felt like I didn't have much to show for it. And there's the rub. I'm not unhappy. I like my life. I'd like to be less dependent on my job for cash, but wouldn't we all like to win the lottery? I'm reasonable successful career-wise, I love my hubby and kids, the kids are doing well in school, etc. etc. So why do "success" questions make me uncomfortable? I guess it's kind of a mid-life crisis thing. It doesn't seem like I've DONE anything with my life. I mean sure, I'm comfortable and mostly happy, but I just haven't done anything to make a mark. I don't know what would enable me to feel like I've done something - maybe finish that ever-elusive book, who knows - but it feels like everything in my life is fairly transitory, that I should have spent my time more wisely. I guess it's kind of cracked, but there you are. G-d, this sounds like I'm miserable. I'm really not. It's just that ever-elusive not having "done" anything with my life. I guess most people don't really do anything with their lives, but shouldn't I have tried to do something???

Feeling Kinda Dumpy

Blech. I've been doing the diet thing again. Again. Some more. Anyway, got frustrated when it seemed like I wasn't making any progress and had coffee cake this morning. Yeah, that'll help.

I've been in lurch mode lately and can't seem to shake it. It's when you realize you aren't keeping up with something, say the gardening, so you lurch over to do something about that, spend all your time there and then realize something else is suffering because of it, say cleaning. So then of course, you lurch over there to take care of that and something else suffers. Lather, rinse and repeat. Not a great way to run your life, but it's about as close as I can get to balance lately. I think the whole not being independently wealthy thing has something to do with this. This morning I actually considered a lottery ticket buying strategy as a viable solution. Yeah, I'm nuts.

I think some of it is the fact that I never really did get into a career because I liked the job or the industry or whatever. I got into it to make enough money to do what I want to do. Remember that old expression be careful what you wish for? I think I pretty much got what I wanted and now I feel a bit ... oh, I don't know... trapped? I mean, it's not bad. It's just that I spend a heck of a lot of time doing stuff I couldn't care less about. But to stop and start over? That involves sacrifice - not too big on the giving up of human comforts. Yes, I'm shallow. Anybody have any lottery numbers they recommend?

On Getting Older

I think I finally understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. Ever since I passed 40 and realized that there just might be as much life behind me as there is ahead of me, I've been thinking about getting older. Up until then, it was kind of no big deal. In fact, I would have said I enjoyed getting older, for the most part, because a lot of the hassles of being younger kind of drop away. I'm more financially secure and hopefully more emotionally secure. Then 40 hits. BAM. The body parts start really discovering gravity. BAM. Little niggling injuries start showing up (sore foot, sore back kinds of things, nothing too major .... then ....). BAM. You start hearing from your doctor about getting a yearly physical. That you need to start taking daily medications because your body is starting to decide that a diet of chips and pastries maybe isn't the best choice. BAM. Weight loss becomes a lot harder. Where you used to be able to lose 3-5 lbs a week just by cutting back some now you starve for a month for a lousy pound. So just concentrate on the positive, you say. Let me think... what are the top 5 things about getting older ....hmmmm....

1. You've seen enough changes to realize that everything changes, the good as well as the bad.

2. Nobody really expects you to be in shape anyway.

3. You've accrued enough vacation time and money to go on the really good vacations.

4. Hey, one year closer to retirement!

5. At least you're not dead.

So, that's my list. How about you?

Scaredy Cat

I hate irrational fears. I tolerate them in others, but I especially hate it in myself. I especially hate it when said fears keep you from doing something. All of which makes my incredible fear of heights even more annoying. I KNOW it's not logical, but yet I can't help myself. I don't like heights. More specifically, I don't like heights where there isn't a barrier at least shoulder height. So of course I go out of my way to challenge this fear. By going up in high buildings. And looking down. And nearly passing out.

My particular fear apparently takes on an interesting twist. Whenever I'm up on something high, looking over the edge, a little voice in my head seems to whisper, "Jump," and I can almost feel myself doing it, hurtling down the side of the building or whatever. Not that I've ever actually done it. Yet. So I guess you could say it's not the heights, it's the falling that wigs me out. Not that that makes it any better.

It gets worse the more I think about the situation. I can mentally make the most sound platform seem creaky. I start convincing myself that the building I'm in is structurally unsound. Which maybe why I start thinking of the value of jumping. Who knows? All I know is that heights freak me out and I hate it. They are building a new bridge on the way to work that is higher than the old bridge, and the only thing I can think of is will I be able to cross the new bridge without the whitest knuckles on the planet. Jump.

Can We Make All the Weeks 3 Day Weeks?

Wow, Friday already. I can't believe how quickly the week went. I could handle a few more three-day weeks. I'm not at work long enough to get really pissed off at anything. It's a nice feeling.

You know you're kind of hopeless when two days of doing things "right" seems like a good trend. After mom left on Wednesday morning, I decided to try and get back to doing the things I theoretically should want to do. I'd like to say I want to do them, but given that it's stuff like exercising and not eating everything with a glancing familiarity with sugar, I'm not sure that would be truthful. One good thing about mom's visit is that I did rediscover reading as a fun activity (not just something I do on the plane). Usually, I figure I don't have enough time, but I'm trying to read 20 pages a day of anything, and it's been kind of fun. It all started with the book Pornology (trust me, it's actually one of the funniest books I've read in a long time) when mom was visiting - we sat around so much, I just felt like I had to do something. And yeah, it's fun reading a book about porn with your mom sitting next to you on the couch.

Anyway, I also read some of my erstwhile book yesterday (sorry to jump subjects like this - it's the one I wrote). It didn't seem as bad as I remembered. Might have to start the editing process again.

I'm Such a Slacker

The thing about not posting anything for awhile is that it gets harder and harder to post. It's kind of like watching a soap opera. When you watch every day, it seems like a lot happens, but if you just stop in once in awhile, well, it feels like it's going at a snail's pace.

Anyway, did the vacation thing - went to the UK. Flew into Manchester because the airline wouldn't let us fly into London using frequent flyer miles. Yeah, I'm cheap. Worked out pretty well, since most of what we wanted to see was in Scotland. Spent a few days in North Wales area, walked the walls in Chester (and got a really cool Daleks vacation in Chester drawing - yes, I know, I'm a geek), saw Beaumaris, Conwy and Caernaforn (sp?) castles. Shot over to York - it has totally been Americanized, which was disappointing. Instead of seeing small, local shops, you now see Pizza Hut and Bath and Body Shop. Sad, really. Oh, but we did see an "Everything Under a Pound" store, which was kind of amusing. Walked the walls, saw York Minster, rode the giant ferris wheel (which was a bit disappointing). Worked our way up to Stirling, which thankfully hasn't changed that much since the last time we were there. The castles, I must admit are starting to all blur together already. Good thing my daughter was keeping a diary. I still love Scotland - I think we saw Stirling Castle, Campbell Castle, Tolquhon, and er... a bunch of other places. Drove past Loch Ness, but didn't see Nessie. That's about it. (see what happens when I wait too long to update).

Mom visited for the 4th - it was one of the better visits, mainly because we didn't "do" anything. Usually it's such a rat race around the area, but this time we just kind of hung out with her. I even got some gardening done.

And could this entry be any more boring? Sorry 'bout that. Like I said, it happens when I don't update that much. Hope to get back on track now.