Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot ...

As we approach the end of another year, I realize that I really can't think of a lot of accomplishments for the past year. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. You see, the older I get, the more I realize that I actually have it pretty good, so no real change isn't that bad. I do have to confess to being lax on definitive plans for the past year and unfortunately, my accomplishments show it. I tend to go for the nice and vague goals like "be nicer" or "be more patient." They sound good, but they are much harder to measure so they are much harder to grade as failures. I think I am learning to be a bit more patient, but I'm not sure if that's as accountable to laziness as much as anything else. Again, not that that's a bad thing.

Anyway, as I sit on the cusp of a new year, I really feel like I should give it the old college try (which is kind of amusing, given that the old college try for me was to rack up as many points in the beginning of the class so I didn't have to go later in the semester ... see, lazy). So ... what are the goals for the new year? Oh, I suppose I should start with the typical lose weight - at least that one's measureable (not that I'm going to list the goal in front of G-d and everybody because G-d? He already knows. As for the rest of you ...). I'm going to go for the reading thing again - 20 minutes a day tends to be a good goal for me (may not seem like much, but if it works for kids, it should work for me too, right?). I should go for less lazy at work (and heck, while I'm at it, at home), but I'd like to stick to attainable goals and as for lazy? See the comments above. So what else? I think I'm going to give myself a goal of doing one creative thing this year. Don't know what that will be, but I want to have a place keeper if nothing else. There are the old standbys of being a better, more patient, blah, blah, blah, but again, attainable, so no need to spell them out, right? *ahem* Anyway, I think I should go for something spiritual, but I want it to be something with teeth, so I need to think about it. I guess that's it for now. Happy New Year, everybody. I'm going to bed now.

While Procrastinating Cleaning ...

Figured since it's almost the end of November, I should provide some kind of update. Profound thoughts twice a month, whether I have them or not, that's my motto. Anyway, since I'm looking for a reason to NOT clean the bathrooms and I tend to have my most "profound" thoughts when I'm cleaning (not much else to think about), I figured I'd use this as an opportunity to procrastinate.

It's interesting what we want for our children. First and foremost, we want them to be superhuman. If that's not in the cards, then we want them to be blissfully normal - or at least more normal than we are. Then we figure, if our lives aren't too bad, that we'd be satisfied if they did pretty much the same as we did, without all the emotional baggage and crap. Genetics being what they are, and people not really changing, that's not realistic, but it doesn't stop us from hoping they don't have to go through the same crap that we did. Of course, they will. And of course, all we can do is sit back and watch them make their mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces. But why can't they be like the perfected versions of us? Why does version 2.0 have to go through the same emotional BS that we went through? Why can't we protect them from that or at least teach them that it is BS and shouldn't bother them? Maybe because they aren't robots? Oh, they won't make all the same mistakes we do - they have plenty of their own to make. But they will have bad times as well as good, no matter how hard we try to make it all good.

It's tough being a parent. We want to give our kids what they need, not just what they want, but it's sometimes so hard to tell the difference.

Rush is an Idiot

OK, you can probably guess that knowing my political leanings, I'm pretty satisfied with the election last night. I do hope that this will mean more thoughtful discussion and compromise (although I suspect it'll mean gridlock and finger-pointing). Anyway, because I'm sometimes mean, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh this morning to hear how he was going to spin the election. I love hearing spinmeisters at work. At any rate, I caught him reviewing Santorum's race in my home state. Here's his analysis: PA is full of old people who don't care about the future. They just care that money that should be going to them is going over to Iraq, that's why they are against the war. Santorum's ideas were too revolutionary for them.

Um... no. Just no. I almost truly hope he thinks that because it means the Republicans really don't have a clue. Look, PA has best been described as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, with Alabama in between. Typically Philly goes strong Democrat, and the center of the state offsets it by going strong Republican. Pittsburgh was and always has been what swings the state. Yeah, it's union, but it's full of Reagan Democrats. I grew up there, I know. Anyways, you wanna know the real reason people in Pittsburgh voted against Santorum? The schmuck was living in Virginia and charging the local government for schooling his kids. That's it. He was ripping off the local school board and folks didn't like it. You think I'm joking? You should have listened to the radio stations in Pittsburgh. He acted like a schmuck and he got caught. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, when you think you're perfect, it's hard to see that it might have been something you've done. Let's see if the Republicans learn a lesson.

Attica! Attica!

Ok, so on Monday this week, we get an e-mail from our younger daughter's teacher. Seems that she was asked to sit out of Suzuki lessons because she was being "disruptive." She also was not listening to her teacher very well in regular classes. Needless to say, this didn't go over very well with Gene and I. We kind of pride ourselves in at least attempting to civilize our kids. So Katie did not have a pleasant evening on Monday, spending most of it in her room. I talked to her about how important it was to behave and listen, blah, blah, blah. Then I threatened not to take her to grandma's house that week (horrors! no spoiling!). So on Tuesday, we get a note saying she had a much better day. Problem solved, right? Not exactly. Today, we get a note telling us she had another good day. Um, over report much? I'm wondering if I should invest in orange jumpsuits and teach her how to whittle soap into the shape of a gun. Sheesh.

Bitchy Moods

What do you do when you're in a bitchy mood and you know that you're probably not being reasonable but seem to have no control over your reactions? Yeah, I'm in one of THOSE moods today, where all I want is for people to leave me the hell alone. You might wonder how it differs from any other day (smart ass), but believe it or not, I'm usually pretty nice to people. Except for today. And maybe yesterday. OK, maybe I had a few moments the day before that too, but that's it. Honest.

But now, every time someone asks me to do something, it feels like a major imposition, like why the hell can't you do it yourself? Why do I need to get involved? Like I said, major leave-me-alone mood. Of course, it's days like this when I realize I really gotta find a way to win the lottery.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, freakin' Buy.com STILL hasn't shipped my Supernatural DVDs. Oh, they charged me for them on October 9th, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since. Not buying from them again.

On Being a Utility Infielder

Been thinking some more about the job thing. The only thing that really stinks in how firmly I'm entrenched as a utility infielder. I can do a number of things well - and (at the risk of being immodest), generally do. But there's no one thing that I can say I do better than anyone else. I used to be top of the line accounting type, but it's been so long since I've done that, I don't think anyone sees me in that vein anymore. I do all right in a number of other positions I've filled since then. In fact, I tend to shuffle from job to job, filling in where they need a warm body. If things go particularly well, I'm bound to be shuffled somewhere else so they can get an "expert" in the position. Just like in baseball, every team wants a utility infielder, is glad to have them, but no one is interested in paying big bucks or (G-d forbid) respect to the position. On the bright side, I'm probably about as secure as you can get - moderately competent and cheap. On the downside? Well, let's just say no kid grows up wanting to be Jose Hernandez (betcha don't even know who he is, right?).

Jobs and Hobbies

Well, looks like I probably won't be getting the job I mentioned below. Strangely enough, I can't say I'm upset about it. More to the point, I think I'm relieved. I guess I dislike change more than I realize. Now my only fear is that the guy they want to give the job to turns it down because if that happens? Turmoil city again.

This weekend we had three soccer games. Despite what my younger daughter believes, the girls were on the winning side for all three games. It's really interesting to watch their approach to the games. My older girl plays soccer more for the social aspects. She was on the sidelines goofing with her friends when the game ended. I didn't see, but based on what I heard, I wouldn't be surprised if she was surprised to find out they won the game. She tends to kind of sit back even when she's in the game, taking the ball only when there is absolutely no one else on her team around in a panicked sort of way, looking to kick it away as soon as possible. But she says she likes soccer, so go figure.

The younger girl is actually pretty good. If she would work on her kick, she could be really good. She's much more aggressive and not afraid to get in anyone's face (should I be proud or concerned). Defense is her forte. It's kind of interesting, there's another girl on the team that complements her very well (an offense powerhouse - well, as least as much as you get with a 5 yr old). They played together on the same line only once - they actually started plotting about getting the ball to each other. They were so dominant that the coach won't put them on the same line again (it's really kind of sweet - she also helps coach the other team when they are on her side of the field and the girls can't hear their coach. She just doesn't want to embarrass the other team.) When my daughter's off the field, she follows the game closely, cheering on her teammates. This is the same girl who can't be bothered to remember a thing you tell her five seconds after you tell her. Here's hoping she sticks with the soccer so I'll have something to motivate (threaten?) her later on in re to her schoolwork.

Should I Be Concerned?

This weekend, we took the kids to the Apple Harvest festival. Ideally, we were going to pick apples ourselves. The whipping wind and 40 to 50 degree temperatures dictated otherwise - particularly given that our girls were wearing short sleeve shirts and didn't have jackets (so sue me, I'm a bad mom). Instead we got the stuff-it-to-the-brim $15 bag of apples, where you get as many apples as you can fit into your bag for $15. Which basically means we should be running out of apples sometime next May. And hopefully, hubby's back will recover by then too (just kidding on that part - though the sucker were heavy). We were actually kind of calm in our apple grab compared to some of the others - If it takes two people to carry your apples, one on each handle of the bag because 1) it's too heavy and 2) you can't close the bag, perhaps you've overdone it just a tad.

Anyway, Sunday was grocery shopping and the should I be concerned part of the weekend. A local radio station was supporting some sort of literacy thing at the store and were giving away CDs. We won one, and given that I know little to nothing about popular music, I let my 5 year old pick out the CD. The choices were Nick Lachey, Nickelback (I think), and the American Idol guy with grey hair. Of course, our daughter picked out the American Idol guy, which was slightly embarrassing, but the real kicker? She picked it out because she thought he looked like Dr. Who. *ahem* I think I may have done her irreparable geek harm.

Dialing the Prayer line - Press 1 to sacrifice a goat ...

At work, we used to have a job opportunity line that was not-so-affectionately known as the Prayer Line. It was a bit like playing the old game press-your-luck because you were just as likely to hit a whammy (sucky job) as you were to get something good. Most of the really good jobs were already decided before they even went out on the prayer line. Anyway, this being a new century, we've replaced it with an online version. Given how quickly some jobs disappear, I suspect that the old rules have just been automated, but anyway, I decided to try for one of the positions. It's not that I think I would love the job, it's just that it meets my two major criteria - more money, less stress.

Of course, the last time I tried something like this, I ended up with the worst job of my life. It was the kind of job where by 10:00 in the morning I was done with everything I had to do that day. Sure, the money was good, but I ended up actually begging to get back to my old job. Ultimately, you could say things worked out (I got out after 3 months and still got to keep the money), but it was kind of miserable for me. So needless to say, I'm a bit hesitant. Oh well, there's no saying I'll get the interview anyway. And even if I do, it doesn't mean they offer the job. And even if they do, I don't have to accept, right? Right? Oy, I think I'm approaching this with the wrong attitude.

Down, Doobie do, Down, Down

Haven't posted much recently, mainly because I've been fighting myself. Been kind of depressed lately, and I try not to do anything when I'm depressed. Why share the "joy"? No real reason for being down, just kind of tired and feeling blah. Read a friend's blog about her job and how she really wanted to start doing something else for a living. That's great, but there really isn't anything else I want to do for a living. I can't think of one job that I would want to do for the rest of my life (or even the next 10 years) - let alone one that could allow me to afford the glamorous lifestyle to which I've become accustomed (that's a joke, folks). But seriously, even taking out the money angle, I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be good at whatever I do, but that seems less and less likely. I mean, I'm more of an adequate kind of person. There's nothing I can think of that I do particularly well. A bunch of stuff that I'm ok at, but nothing that I excel at. So, whatterya gonna do? Anyone? *shrug* I can't even think of something I would be good at if I devoted myself to it. Eh, I just need to get things organized a bit more and I'll snap out this. I always do. It just takes a little time.

I'm still here

Figure I should update this somewhat. Let's see ... I'm sick. Again. Some kind of cold thing. Grumble, grumble. School has started. So far, so good, though I'm sick of take-home projects already. What ever happened to normal homework like math or reading? Not much of a touchy-feely kind of person so the "me-bag" and "me-collage" didn't go over too big with me. Um, the kids have known each other for the past couple of years. I somehow doubt a me-bag is going to tell them anything new. I know, I know, it's for the teacher to get to know them ... but after a couple of weeks, I'm sure she'll know more than she wants to so what's the point other than to irritate me? *ahem*

Anyway, younger daughter learned to tie her shoes. I'm happy for her, but what do you do when she doesn't tie them tight enough? Let her go and figure it out later as she trips over the laces? I've kind of done the "you tie one, I'll tie the other routine." Don't want to discourage her, but I also don't want her to break her neck.

Had our first soccer game over the weekend. My daughter's team won. She scored her first goal. Be curious to see how her interest in the sport develops (or doesn't as the case may be).

Let's see, anything else? Not really. Just tired of coughing.

Tired

I'm really tired and depressed today and in the mood to have a pity party. I hate when I feel like this, but once I get into this mode, it's really hard to get out of it. I'm tired of the same issues that come up over and over and over again at work. I'm tired of fighting the same battles. I'm tired of not being good at anything. (I am the queen of adequate - just once I'd like to be good. I used to be good at stuff. I'm just not sure what's happened.) I'm tired of being fat (and please, no helpful hints about how to lose weight - 1) I've seen them all before ... 2) I've done them all before .... 3) I've lost about 20 lbs and still have a ton to go) See, I told you this was going to be a pity me thing. Anybody have any chocolate?

And yeah, I'd regret it if you did offer me chocolate. I'm pretty sure this is just a PMS thing, but it isn't very pretty.

Rush, Rush, Rush

Why does everything always seem like such a rush? It just seems like I don't think anymore, I just react. Get up, get ready, get the kids ready, rush to work, rush to pick up the kids, quick stop through McD's drive-thru (because we are nothing if not health conscious), rush to soccer practice, hurry home to get the kids a shower and into bed so that I can run downstairs and exercise in time to go to bed myself. Yeah, it's quite an exciting life. Whatever happened to all those hours doing ... nothing. Or reading because it was something to do? Now I have to make an effort to read a book (otherwise my reading drops to what I get done in the bathroom while I blow-dry my hair in the morning). How on earth did I ever use to ride bike for hours and still get to bed by 8pm, if I wanted to? And what happens when this merry-go-round stops? Will I suddenly not know what to do with myself?

Oh, and in case you are interested, Katie had fun at soccer. I don't see a World Cup appearance in her future, and I hope she acts slightly less ADD-like the next time, but at least she had fun.

Soccer Practice

Well, we've started our 4 night a week soccer practice schedule. Feel my joy. Tonight is my younger daughter's first practice, which should be interesting. She's not the most disciplined of children. It's not that she's bad or doesn't listen, it's just that she doesn't look like she's listening. Her coach was her older sister's coach this past spring, so at least the coach is familiar with Katie. In a warped sort of way, I'm really looking forward to this. Her sister is very smart, but not very athletic, which meant that she knew how to position herself, but wasn't really fast enough to make a difference in the game. Katie loves to run. I want to see if she can combine some of her sister's smarts with a bit of her athleticism. The only question is how Katie's smarts manifest themselves. You see, she's not exactly conventional smart. She's the kid who when asked to name something small, answered "Microbe", but doesn't want to take the time to learn to read (her sister was reading chapter books by the time she was Katie's age). It's not that she can't, she's just not patient enough to do it right now. I wonder how all of this will manifest itself in an organized sport.

Oh, and one final thing: I don't know how other parents do it, in terms of having their kids involved in multiple activities. I mean, we're just doing soccer this fall, and I feel like we're barely keeping up. Can't imagine what it'll be like once school starts.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Sorry for the lack of bloggage, it's just that nothing too profound has been going on lately. I know, I know, what's the diff? *ahem* So anyway, I'm suffering through a summer cold. I think I hate colds worse than any other affliction, mainly because they aren't bad enough to make you go to bed, just bad enough that you feel kind of lousy. If you have the flu or something, people can tell you're sick. You go to bed for a couple of days and ta-da, you feel better. A cold is the gift that keeps on giving (and giving and giving). Not only that, but it's gross. You're all mucousy and you can't seem to blow enough of it out so you snort. Yeah, real attractive.

So what else is going on? Not much. School starts in a couple of weeks. Yay. I really love the commercials Staples used to have where the parents are dancing around the store to "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Though I have to admit, kinda makes you wonder why you have kids in the first place if you're anxious to get rid of them. I don't think it's really that you want rid of them. I think it's more that you want to get back on a schedule of some sort. School is great for that. Afterschool activities, not so much. Both girls are doing soccer this year. Which means rather than losing 2 nights a week to practice, we lose 4 nights. That's right, instead of both girls having practice on the same night which would have been difficult logistically, but better for sheduling, they have them on off nights. Which means until soccer season is over, we have Mon-Thurs practices and Saturday games. Oi. When's Christmas?

I am a Horrible Mother

Weekend was ...um... interesting. It all started on Friday, although I guess I should say it started on Thursday. On Thursday, I was lifting weights in the basement (yeah, I still haven't quite given up on trying to get into shape). I was doing a military press (note to self, you are not in the military), and the last set was really, really hard. I didn't think much of it, went on to do other lifts and finish my routine. Went to bed and everything was fine. Got up the next morning, everything was fine. Got ready for work, got the kids ready - again, everything is fine. Walked down the steps and ... not so fine. My back felt like a giant had tried to twist me in two. I manage to hobble to the car and get into work. No problem because I can sit most of the day, right? Wrong. About 3pm I can no longer sit, so I drive home and lay down for the rest of the day/night. Believe it or not, this isn't the bad mom part. My younger daughter has a play date on Sunday, so on Saturday, I spend the day alternating between cleaning the house and lying on my back (still not to the bad mom part).

Sunday morning, hubby leaves with the older girl. I go over to get my younger daughter. "I'm sick," she moans. Of course, I'm not convinced. Afterall, she is often "sick" first thing in the morning, so I cajole her into getting up and getting moving. This takes about 2 hours. She's still whining that she's sick. I'm convinced that she just needs to eat something, so I load her in the car and take her to Bob Evans (for some sick reason, my kids love Bob Evans - if that doesn't get them going, nothing will). We get there, she's lying on the table. Literally. I'm kind of ignoring her. Her milk comes. I convince her to drink some. She does and then ... well, let's just say she wasn't kidding about being sick. Milk (or some remnant of it) is everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess with my whopping two napkins. The waitress comes over and runs to get a bucket. My girl is still yarking. When the waitress finally comes back, I've managed to pretty much clean up my daughter (note I am not saying ANYTHING about the restaurant). I offer to take the food as take-out and pay for it. Strangely enough, they were just anxious for us to leave. Needless to say, playdate is cancelled.

And if that doesn't make me a bad mom, how about the fact that I really wasn't that disappointed?

What Is The Measure of Your Success?

Jynx asked some questions on a posting board I frequent which unexpectedly made me uncomfortable. I mean, they weren't overly personal or inappropriate, it's just that they made me uncomfortable, which made me wonder why. You see the questions were all about success and accomplishments - no big deal, right? But then I started to look at my life and ... well, it kind of felt like I didn't have much to show for it. And there's the rub. I'm not unhappy. I like my life. I'd like to be less dependent on my job for cash, but wouldn't we all like to win the lottery? I'm reasonable successful career-wise, I love my hubby and kids, the kids are doing well in school, etc. etc. So why do "success" questions make me uncomfortable? I guess it's kind of a mid-life crisis thing. It doesn't seem like I've DONE anything with my life. I mean sure, I'm comfortable and mostly happy, but I just haven't done anything to make a mark. I don't know what would enable me to feel like I've done something - maybe finish that ever-elusive book, who knows - but it feels like everything in my life is fairly transitory, that I should have spent my time more wisely. I guess it's kind of cracked, but there you are. G-d, this sounds like I'm miserable. I'm really not. It's just that ever-elusive not having "done" anything with my life. I guess most people don't really do anything with their lives, but shouldn't I have tried to do something???

Feeling Kinda Dumpy

Blech. I've been doing the diet thing again. Again. Some more. Anyway, got frustrated when it seemed like I wasn't making any progress and had coffee cake this morning. Yeah, that'll help.

I've been in lurch mode lately and can't seem to shake it. It's when you realize you aren't keeping up with something, say the gardening, so you lurch over to do something about that, spend all your time there and then realize something else is suffering because of it, say cleaning. So then of course, you lurch over there to take care of that and something else suffers. Lather, rinse and repeat. Not a great way to run your life, but it's about as close as I can get to balance lately. I think the whole not being independently wealthy thing has something to do with this. This morning I actually considered a lottery ticket buying strategy as a viable solution. Yeah, I'm nuts.

I think some of it is the fact that I never really did get into a career because I liked the job or the industry or whatever. I got into it to make enough money to do what I want to do. Remember that old expression be careful what you wish for? I think I pretty much got what I wanted and now I feel a bit ... oh, I don't know... trapped? I mean, it's not bad. It's just that I spend a heck of a lot of time doing stuff I couldn't care less about. But to stop and start over? That involves sacrifice - not too big on the giving up of human comforts. Yes, I'm shallow. Anybody have any lottery numbers they recommend?

On Getting Older

I think I finally understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. Ever since I passed 40 and realized that there just might be as much life behind me as there is ahead of me, I've been thinking about getting older. Up until then, it was kind of no big deal. In fact, I would have said I enjoyed getting older, for the most part, because a lot of the hassles of being younger kind of drop away. I'm more financially secure and hopefully more emotionally secure. Then 40 hits. BAM. The body parts start really discovering gravity. BAM. Little niggling injuries start showing up (sore foot, sore back kinds of things, nothing too major .... then ....). BAM. You start hearing from your doctor about getting a yearly physical. That you need to start taking daily medications because your body is starting to decide that a diet of chips and pastries maybe isn't the best choice. BAM. Weight loss becomes a lot harder. Where you used to be able to lose 3-5 lbs a week just by cutting back some now you starve for a month for a lousy pound. So just concentrate on the positive, you say. Let me think... what are the top 5 things about getting older ....hmmmm....

1. You've seen enough changes to realize that everything changes, the good as well as the bad.

2. Nobody really expects you to be in shape anyway.

3. You've accrued enough vacation time and money to go on the really good vacations.

4. Hey, one year closer to retirement!

5. At least you're not dead.

So, that's my list. How about you?

Scaredy Cat

I hate irrational fears. I tolerate them in others, but I especially hate it in myself. I especially hate it when said fears keep you from doing something. All of which makes my incredible fear of heights even more annoying. I KNOW it's not logical, but yet I can't help myself. I don't like heights. More specifically, I don't like heights where there isn't a barrier at least shoulder height. So of course I go out of my way to challenge this fear. By going up in high buildings. And looking down. And nearly passing out.

My particular fear apparently takes on an interesting twist. Whenever I'm up on something high, looking over the edge, a little voice in my head seems to whisper, "Jump," and I can almost feel myself doing it, hurtling down the side of the building or whatever. Not that I've ever actually done it. Yet. So I guess you could say it's not the heights, it's the falling that wigs me out. Not that that makes it any better.

It gets worse the more I think about the situation. I can mentally make the most sound platform seem creaky. I start convincing myself that the building I'm in is structurally unsound. Which maybe why I start thinking of the value of jumping. Who knows? All I know is that heights freak me out and I hate it. They are building a new bridge on the way to work that is higher than the old bridge, and the only thing I can think of is will I be able to cross the new bridge without the whitest knuckles on the planet. Jump.

Can We Make All the Weeks 3 Day Weeks?

Wow, Friday already. I can't believe how quickly the week went. I could handle a few more three-day weeks. I'm not at work long enough to get really pissed off at anything. It's a nice feeling.

You know you're kind of hopeless when two days of doing things "right" seems like a good trend. After mom left on Wednesday morning, I decided to try and get back to doing the things I theoretically should want to do. I'd like to say I want to do them, but given that it's stuff like exercising and not eating everything with a glancing familiarity with sugar, I'm not sure that would be truthful. One good thing about mom's visit is that I did rediscover reading as a fun activity (not just something I do on the plane). Usually, I figure I don't have enough time, but I'm trying to read 20 pages a day of anything, and it's been kind of fun. It all started with the book Pornology (trust me, it's actually one of the funniest books I've read in a long time) when mom was visiting - we sat around so much, I just felt like I had to do something. And yeah, it's fun reading a book about porn with your mom sitting next to you on the couch.

Anyway, I also read some of my erstwhile book yesterday (sorry to jump subjects like this - it's the one I wrote). It didn't seem as bad as I remembered. Might have to start the editing process again.

I'm Such a Slacker

The thing about not posting anything for awhile is that it gets harder and harder to post. It's kind of like watching a soap opera. When you watch every day, it seems like a lot happens, but if you just stop in once in awhile, well, it feels like it's going at a snail's pace.

Anyway, did the vacation thing - went to the UK. Flew into Manchester because the airline wouldn't let us fly into London using frequent flyer miles. Yeah, I'm cheap. Worked out pretty well, since most of what we wanted to see was in Scotland. Spent a few days in North Wales area, walked the walls in Chester (and got a really cool Daleks vacation in Chester drawing - yes, I know, I'm a geek), saw Beaumaris, Conwy and Caernaforn (sp?) castles. Shot over to York - it has totally been Americanized, which was disappointing. Instead of seeing small, local shops, you now see Pizza Hut and Bath and Body Shop. Sad, really. Oh, but we did see an "Everything Under a Pound" store, which was kind of amusing. Walked the walls, saw York Minster, rode the giant ferris wheel (which was a bit disappointing). Worked our way up to Stirling, which thankfully hasn't changed that much since the last time we were there. The castles, I must admit are starting to all blur together already. Good thing my daughter was keeping a diary. I still love Scotland - I think we saw Stirling Castle, Campbell Castle, Tolquhon, and er... a bunch of other places. Drove past Loch Ness, but didn't see Nessie. That's about it. (see what happens when I wait too long to update).

Mom visited for the 4th - it was one of the better visits, mainly because we didn't "do" anything. Usually it's such a rat race around the area, but this time we just kind of hung out with her. I even got some gardening done.

And could this entry be any more boring? Sorry 'bout that. Like I said, it happens when I don't update that much. Hope to get back on track now.

Just Another Manic Monday ...

Seems as though I've been a bit negligent here. Generally, when I don't write anything it's because I'm bumming about something or another and figure why get everyone else down. This time it's been the relentless, mind-crushing, soul-sucking entity known as work. It's not that it's that bad ... ok, maybe it is that bad, but more than any individual issue, it's the soul-sucking sameness of the place. Nothing ever changes. Nothing is going to change. I'll go on vacation, and come back to the same mind-numbing issues I left. Oh sure, the names may change, but the problems and issues remain the same. And I feel powerless to do anything about it. Aren't you glad you asked? (OK, since this is my blog, you didn't really ask, but hey, you chose to read it.)

On another subject, I'm thinking about trying to write again. I want to go back to False Face. I think I could do it better this time. Part of me thinks I should work on Murder House, but for some reason, False Face keeps calling me. I doubt I'll ever do anything with it even if I finish it, but I just feel like I need to dive into some project right now before I becomes consumed by everyday life. It just feels like I spend way too much time doing what needs to be done that I'm afraid if I don't do something to break the pattern, there's not going to be a me to do anything when I finally have the time. Does that make any sense?

Oh, and I just looked it up - Manic Monday was released in 1986 ... 20 years ago. G-d, I'm old.

And can relentlessly depressing be described as a writing style? Think there's a market for it?

If Rainy Days and Mondays Get You Down, What About Both of Them?

Well, I survived Mother's Day ... sort of. I had a mini meltdown, mainly because you know that Walgreen's commercial where the guy tells his wife he thought about getting her a card? That's my husband. Then when he spent the morning putting up a television in his office rather than cleaning the carpet like I asked ... well, right or wrong, I was irritated. No big deal, we both got over it. And I still hate Mother's Day.

Unfortunately, I think I wasted most of the weekend. I'm kind of in one of those stages where you have so much to do that you don't do anything. You know what I mean? Where you fall so far behind, it kind of locks you up? Just me, huh? I hate when I get like this. Ended up napping most of Sunday away. What a waste, particularly with mom-inlaw coming to visit on Thursday. Wonder when I'm going to get the motivation (and time, now) to clean? Oh well.

Not only didn't I clean, but I think I managed to undo an entire month's worth of exercising in one weekend. Mmmm, caramel apple pie from Costco. Yeah, I know, I suck. Happy Monday.

Can we cancel Mother's Day? Please?

Just went out to do that most dreaded task, look for Mother's Day cards. I don't know why I make this so hard. Why not just grab the first non-nauseating card and run? But therein lies the problem: finding a card that isn't a cliche, says something, but doesn't make you want to hurl.

Not only do the darn things cost more than a lot of books, but they tend to fall into a couple of categories. The cliche cards are annoying because they tend to fall under the "humor" category. Their humor reminds me of listening to my 7-year old tell jokes. They may have been mildly amusing the first seven or eight times, but its hard to generate any enthusiasm after you hear/read them a dozen or more times. Most of these play on the "I'm such a wonderful kit, you did a great job" theme and have some innocuous cartoon character on them (I'm looking at you, Snoopy). Yawn.

The second category are what I call the "I don't know you well enough so I'll send flowers" category. They usually have some showy bouquet of flowers (with optional sparklies sprinkled on top) and have all the warmth of a form letter. It's like you can almost see the "insert your mother's name here" marking on the card.

The worst, though, are the mushy, how-can-I-live-without-you cards. They are the ones that basically indicate that I couldn't figure out how to get out of bed without you mother, oh, how we've grown closer and closer over the years, you're the most important person in my life. Barf. Hello, I'm over 40. I'd hope that I might have figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. And I hate to break it to you, but I'm married with a family of my own. If my mom is still the most important thing in my life, there's something terribly wrong with my marriage.

Gah. I hate invented holidays.

Dull, Duller, Dullest

OK, is my life really that boring that I have nothing interesting to say for the last however many days? Don't answer that. Truth is, life keeps tumbling along. Minor things come up, but nothing worth a full blown rant. There's the picture I saw in Sunday's paper about an anti-war protest in NYC. The featured sign said something to the effect that Bush was more evil than bin Laden. And that's the problem with the whole "peace movement." If you want to be taken seriously, you have to move away from silly stuff like that. OK, I didn't vote for Bush (4 times, if you count the father and I actually had some modicum of respect for him), but I don't think he's sitting in the White House, twirling his black mustache and practicing his villainous laugh. He has made decisions I disagree with - period. What is gained by such exaggeration? Truthfully, it diminishes your argument against the guy. Whatever.

Other than that, my life had personified mundane. Spent Saturday pulling weeds - talk about an exercise in futility. I mean really, why bother? It took me all day to generate 3 bags of garbage and I didn't even finish all of the planting areas. By the time I get to the rest, the stuff I did this weekend will be disastrous again. I hate jobs that don't have a "done" to them. Did manage to exercise as well, which lead to being very tired on Sunday, when I had to take the younger rugrat to a birthday party. It was a swimming party - and trust me, this body is not ready for bathing suits. I was thrilled when I realized I wouldn't have to squeeze myself into a suit and settled down to watch her play with her friends. Then she decided the slide would be fun. Couple of problems: 1. I'm at the opposite end of the swimming pool from the slide; 2. The water in the slide area is 3.5 feet deep (about the same as the rugrat's height); and 3. She can't swim. So I go charging over to pull her from the slide pool, praying like crazy I don't have to jump in with my jeans (life guards, you say? yeah, right). Thankfully, there's a jet of water that pushes her to the side, and I reach over to pull her to safety. End of problem, right? No, she goes down the slide several more times. Yeah, I'm a good mom.

Two to Tango?

First off, thanks Jynx. I wanted to post something but haven't had time lately. This is fun and pretty easy.

Two Names You Go By:
1. Paula
2. Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Khaki slacks
2. Light aqua golf shirt

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Love
2. Respect

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. Sleep
2. To lose weight

Two Pets You Have/ Had:
1. Samantha (also known as "that damn cat")
2. Shayler (beautiful, black German shepherd from childhood)

Two Favorite Sports:
1. Biking
2. Swimming

Two Things You Did Last Night:
1. Lifted weights and exercised
2. Watched Chicken Run with my older girl (she was sick)

Two Favorite Places to Eat:
1. Blue Moon Café
2. Beni hana's

Two People That Live in Your House:
1. Katie
2. Sarah

Two Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My intelligence
2. My perserverence

Two Things You Ate Today:
1. Pretzels
2. Some kind of Pizza sandwich

Two People You Last Talked To:
1. Sales rep
2. Boss

Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow:
1. Going to the theater
2. That work thing

Two Things That Make You Laugh:
1. Katie's questions
2. The first season of the new Dr. Who

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. 4th of July

Two Last Films You've Seen:
1. Chicken Run
2. Ella Enchanted (I told you, my kid was sick)

Changes

Just a side question before I start: why am I so much more articulate and passionate when I'm driving in the car than when I sit down at the computer. This morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to say as I was driving into work. Now, well, it all sounds rather trite. Oh well, here goes anyway:

I want to be so much better than I am. I feel so out of control in my life. And the sad thing is, for the most part, I know what to do to BE better ... and I still make the wrong choices. I want to lose weight, but given the choice between a carrot stick and a chocolate bon-bon? Well, let's just say the rabbits will never go hungry. I want to be in better shape, but exercise? That's too much like work. It just seems like I invariably make the wrong decision. And yes, I know it is MY choice. That's what makes it worse. It's like I'm not serious about changing things. What's even scarier is the situation at work - I want to do better, but honestly? I don't know how. I don't know what to do to make myself a better employee (working on actual work rather than this blog might be a good start, but I digress). And this scares me.

I was talking to someone the other week about what motivates them to make the choices they make. I wasn't sure what motivated me. Today, I think I realized what it is. It's the fear of losing something important to me (trust me, this'll all circle around to a point ... I hope). You see, I lost a lot of folks important to my life at a very young age. And I never want that to happen again. That's why I'm desperate to keep a job that I dread going to - it gives me the resources to do other things that are important (schooling for the kids being a big one). I'm scared to death of disrupting their lives - that's why I don't want things to change. So I stay hear, fearful that one day they (the powers that be at work, or whatever) will discover that I don't know what else to do, that I've outlived my usefulness, and dump my arse out on the street. Then what happens?

Anyway, that's my puddle of goo state of mind today. Great way to start a Monday.

Lovable Losers

You may or may not know that I am a huge sports fans. Wait, check that. I'm actually a huge fan of Pittsburgh sports teams. Which has basically meant that I live for football season and suffer through hockey and baseball. Of the two suffering sports, baseball is the one I feel most passionately about. Trust me, it's not easy rooting for a team that hasn't seen a winning season in 13 years. But I grew up with them. I used to argue with my Grandma about Willie Stargell (she hated him, I loved him). I would sit by the radio listening to Lanny Frattare and score the games. I was hooked big time. I knew the stats and followed the trades - nobody could have been happier when we scored Bill Madlock. But now ... well, it's hard. Every year you think this is the year that that well stocked minor league system pays off. And every year, last year's phenom gets shelled (case in point ... Oliver Perez ... and Zack Duke ... and probably Paul Maholm unless he starts pitching better). Suffice to say, it's hard. I've taken to looking at the rankings as a two team race between the Pirates and the team immediately ahead of them, creating a pseudo-pennant race in my head - and they STILL don't really compete. So what's a girl to do? Skip over to the Yankees like some fair weather Johnny Damon? No way. Someday ... (probably not, but you gotta keep dreamin', right?)

Moving On

I've been doing a bit more reading lately and discovered something: I like reading more than I like writing. I also have realized that while it's fun writing the intial story, the editing and stuff? Not so much fun. It's then when I realize that I'm not a particularly good writer. I mean, I'm ok, but given the amount of time I've spent trying to edit the one thing I did finish ... it's really not worth it. It's not really all that much fun, and all it really does is point out something I thought was pretty good when I first wrote it isn't all that great.

So what does this all mean? I think I'm going to forget about the first book. I don't think it's worth the hassle of trying to salvage it. The storyline is ok, but it's structured all wrong. It needs to start out more exciting. I'm thinking about going back to the original first book I was working on and see what I can do with that, but ultimately, this will just be for me. My job is my job. This isn't my job and never will be and that's ok. I will do it when it's fun and go on to something else when its not fun. It's going back to what it always should have been - a fun hobby. Maybe this sounds strange to some of you, but I did harbor this feeling that I could quit work and live off of writing, but I really don't think I want to do that. Besides the statistical improbability of being able to do that, writing should be fun. I've been avoiding working on writing for fear I needed to finish what I've already started. Why? I have enough things in my life that I have to do, why make my hobbies un-fun?

Jealous Much?

OK, about a week in and my willpower sucks. So much for starting again again. Looks like I'm back to again again again.

Anyway, this week the kids are on Spring Break. Hubby has taken off the week because he has a boatload of vacation and he starts losing it if he doesn't use it. It's great and he's great with the kids, but I can't help but feel a little jealous. They went hiking on Monday, to an IMAX movie and the science center on Tuesday, toured the state capital on Wednesday (got in the Lt. Gov's office and everything), and are going down to DC today for cherry blossom festival time. Me? I'm sitting behind a computer working on spreadsheets. Again. Some more. Sometimes life isn't fair, ya know?

Starting Again...Again

Well, this is it. This is the day that I start taking care of myself again. Enough wasting time, enough eating things that aren't even that good. I mean it this time. Honest I do. Oooo, are there sugar cookies over there?

*Sigh* About eleven years ago, I did a pretty amazing thing. After a lifetime of doing nothing but eating and lamenting my yearly weight gain, I changed my life completely. I go to within 3 pounds of what I weighed in 7th grade. It was pretty awesome and I was stoked. So stoked that I couldn't ever imagine letting things get out of control again. Fast forward to my first child. I ate. A lot. I blamed it on stress - I had switched jobs so I wouldn't have to travel and hated the new job. Truth was I was using the pregnancy thing to go nuts. So I had the kid and oh boy, I was going to get back on the stick. Nothing was going to stop me. Much. Except another pregnancy. And more stress. And more laziness. Now here I am today looking like stay-puff the marshmallow man after swearing I'd never do it again.

Oh, I start to do the right things pretty much every day. It sometimes even lasts until about 10:00 in the morning. I'd love to just say stuff it all and eat bon-bons, but now I'm paying for my indescretions with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You'd think I'd know better, but still ...it's chocolate you know. And French Fries. And about anything else you enjoy eating. And you know, that bed looks awfully inviting. I know, I'll go to bed earlier and get up early tomorrow to exercise. Honest.

Posting for the Sake of Posting

Really should try to update this, but while there have been various thoughts floating around in my head, there really hasn't been anything I wanted to rant on about. Oh well, so here goes the smaller thoughts in my head:

1. Read an article about how the world is becoming more conservative because conservates are having more babies. Somehow, that's not enough to make me want to reproduce again.

2. Read an article about Oppenheimer, where I read the scariest and most logical explanation/rationale for dropping the atomic bomb. You see, we really didn't have to drop it to defeat Japan (lots of info on the subject, if you hunt for it; generally, historians agree on this point). The point Oppenheimer made was that if we didn't drop the bomb at the end of WWII and truly understand how horrible a weapon this was, the next war might have been totally nuclear. Think about it. Korea was the next war. Can you imagine if the US and USSR had turned that one nuclear?

3. Why is that I have a whole list of stuff that needs to get done, but come night time, all I want to do is sleep?

That's all for now. Except to say if you were a Dallas Cowboy fan, should you be rejoicing and sobbing about signing Terrell Owen?

Sittin' and Thinkin' in Sunny California

So this week is the big show, which means I basically answer e-mails half the day and stay on my feet talking about my product to mildly interested passersby for the other half. In between I eat and I ponder and try to avoid spending too much time with other people. Yeah, I'm that anti-social. Not that they are bad people, it's just that every time I go to one of these shindigs, the fact that I'm not really that interested in what I do for a living becomes ever more obvious. Oh, I care, I guess...I mean, I want to do a good job, but if the fairy of good fortune bonked me on the head and said I could have anything I wanted, this job would not be top of the list (winning lottery ticket usually takes that place). I sometimes think I'm just lazy - I mean, really, there is NOTHING I want to do for a living. Oh, I think I'd like to write, but I haven't even managed to take the time to edit the one book I did finish. I'd like to bike-ride, but no one really wants to pay you to do that. I'm great at things no one will ever pay me for - vacations, movies, that sort of things. It's just the thought of trying to make money that is a brick wall. I was at breakfast this morning, listening to a guy talk about his retirement plans, using every cliche he could think of trying to sound "deep" ... and you know what? Not me. And I feel as though I'm surrounded by folks trying too hard to sound earnest. Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic ... or maybe I just want to go home (also true, I actually miss the rugrats ... and hubby of course). I dunno, it just feels like this shouldn't be all there is....that I should be doing something about it. But then I figure, hey, I can afford to do what I want to do, even if there seems to not be enough time, and why start over again. I guess that is it. I am just lazy. *Yawn* I think I'm going to go read for awhile.

Back Again

Anybody miss me?

Anyway, have a couple of thoughts floating around my pea brain of varying degrees of importance, so here goes:

1. Hate - anybody realize how frequently we use this word? I hate artichokes, I hate my job, I hate [fill in the blank]. Do we really hate all these things? Or are there only aspects that we dislike. How intensely do you have to dislike something to say that you HATE it? I just think it's overused. For example, my job makes me uncomfortable and cranky, but do I really hate it? I like the money it gives me, and on occasion, I can accomplish things. Yeah, I'm not crazy about it, but does it really reach the hate level? And what kind of person/society does it make for with all this so-called "hate" being bandied about? Just thinkin'

2. Joy - I realized today as I came into work that I'm really worried about my kids and their future. I so want them to enjoy their adult life as much as they enjoy their childhood. What happens that seems to make us so much less joyful as we grow-up? Does it have something to do with item 1?

3. Yellow sweatpants - do not believe the fallacy that sweatpants come in any color. They do not. I spent an entire weekend proving this. I "hate" yellow sweatpants.

Hee! I look 37!

Had a doctor's appointment today. The highlight was when the doctor said he thought I was only 37. How sad is it that that kind of made my day? Never thought I'd see the day that having someone think you were 37 was a good thing. Hee.

Been feeling older and older lately. Watching the Olympics does that to me. It's all that "poor Michelle Kwan, not as young as she used to be, 25" thing that bugs. Not to mention the whole snowboarding thing, which I do NOT get. It's like they're speaking a foreign language. And anyone, it's kind of hard to take something serious as a sport when all the competitors look like they use the word "dude" regularly - without any intended irony. Call me old-fashioned, but I want my sports a little more cut and dry than "Whoa, did you see that [insert some phrase that I have no clue as to what it means]?" The guy who goes the fastest wins. Easy. Right? Anything else, no matter how pretty, isn't a sport.

That goes for the whole figure skating thing too. Not a sport. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's physically straining. But then again, so is gardening and it's not an Olympic event. But seriously, dancing is also physically straining - not the point. When someone just decides who is the winner, it ceases to be a sport. Just look at the latest Superbowl. Oops, was that outloud voice again?

Kick Ass Women in TV

Driving into work this morning, my mind wandered over to considering the television shows I like the best. Besides tending to be in the sci-fi/fantasy/adventure genre (yes, I'm a geek), they all have one other thing in common: kick ass women as the protagonist. Whether the shows are good (Veronica Mars) or truly dreadful (I'm looking at you, Charmed), they all seem to have strong women as their lead characters. Made me think about the best women characters ever in television. In evaluating them, I decided on a couple of ground rules. 1. They have to characters I liked through the entire run of the series (that means no Buffy, no Sydney Bristow). 2. They have to have been on shows that lasted more than 1 season (Sorry, Jaye from Wonderfalls or Zoe from Firefly). So, without further delay, here's my list:

1. Dana Scully (X-Files) - probably my first girl crush in television. She was smart, tough, great-looking and had a killer wardrobe. She was just as likely to save Mulder as be saved by him. And no matter how silly the show got, she always could be counted on to keep a straight face. I like that about an action hero.

2. Aeryn Sun (Farscape) - Hot, kick ass babe who managed to be alien the entire run of the series. I loved that she was more often than not the one to do the saving. I loved that she learned and changed through the series. Don't believe me? Watch the first episode and compare the character to how she acted at the end. Would you have ever believed that woman could become so caring?

3. Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars) - once again, tough, doesn't take shit from anyone woman (except for Logan, but that's another story). Who ever thought a high school student on a tv show could be so in control? What's great is that she can lose her shit and still be tough. And it doesn't hurt that she's played by the incomparable Kristin Bell, either.

4. Xena (Xena) - Come on, probably the best portrayal of what could have been a ho-hum one-dimensional Amazonian ever. I loved that Lucy Lawless never took this shit seriously. You could almost see her winking at you, as if to say she was in on the joke too. The fact that they got so much lesbian subtext past the censors was also fun.

5. Hmmm, this is a tough one. There are so many worthy candidates. I'm going to have to go with the prototypical female hero, Mrs. Peel. How can you not love a woman in leather that was played by a Shakespearian trained actress?

So, there's my list. Lot of good characters left off, but I think it'll do.

Just the Facts, Ma'am

I think I've finally OD'd on sports talk radio. I'd been listening to it a lot lately because, well 1. The Steelers and that little old football came and 2. Radio sucks around here unless you like Right Wing Radio - all. the. time. So what finally turned me off of it? The little syncophant fanboys? No, it was the Foxsports radio announcers themselves. This morning one of their frat boys was going on and on about how biased the football hall of fame voters are, how the fans know better, how it's just 39 biased sports writers opinion. What got him riled up? His own biases of course. How could they not say so-and-so was a hall of famer? They are obviously biased because they don't agree with him. Um, huh? First of all, fans are obviously the most unbiased people in the world (tongue firmly in cheek). Just look at the last Superbowl. I can tell you who you rooted for (or against) based on what you thought of the officiating. So, no. Just no.

Truthfully, everything and everyone has a bias. It's not a sin. It's called being human. And just because someone's bias doesn't agree with yours doesn't mean they are wrong. Did it ever occur to this guy that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong? Oh, that's right. This is Fox. They are never wrong. Just like their "news" is "fair and balanced." Right. 'Cause they never just agree with one side of an issue or just present one side, right? OK, so maybe it is true only in Bizarro world. But that's what I hate about claims of bias. They usually only show up when you disagree with someone - including for me (if my attitude toward Fox is any indication). I think the bigger problem is not admitting your own bias and never listening to an opposing point of view.

Finally, what would happen if we based everything on "facts" as folks want to? The bigger question is which facts do you evaluate? Going strictly by "the facts" also is a bit like driving while looking in the rearview mirror - it's great for seeing where you were, not so great in seeing where you might want to go. I have a director at work who's big on "facts", and as a consequence, has never seen a project he wanted to approve. Then he has the nerve to ask why we don't have more projects. Hypocrite much?

So yeah, facts are important. But so are opinions. And just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they are always wrong. Last I looked, only one Man was ever infallible (with apologies to any Catholic that might read this).

Go Team?

I know I'm supposed to be jubilant today, but somehow, I can't muster any enthusiasm. I mean, sure, the Steelers won, and yeah, I'd rather they won than didn't, but still ... well, quite honestly the game stunk. The officiating was not great and it kind of took some of the shine off the game. I wanted to see the teams play their best ball and what we got was this yawn-fest, where Pittsburgh couldn't move the ball to save their lives, Seattle couldn't finish off anything, and the officials often seemed out there in la-la land. It was one of the most boring games I've ever seen. If I hadn't had a rooting interest, I probably wouldn't have watched it. A very unsatisfying conclusion to a fairly satisfying season.

As for other stuff, I'm still not losing weight, which is frustrating. I mean, if I'm not going to lose anything anyway, why not just be a pig, eat what I want and stop the insane exercise thing? It's not like I LIKE exercising anyway. Being 40 sucks.

On Watching TV

I actually had planned to update long before now but had trouble getting into the system. Yeah, I know, terribly disappointing, ain't it?

Anyway, I've lost the chance to post a couple of good rants. One was on why does the Superbowl matter? I mean, really, it's not like I'm going to lose weight, win money, or get more friends if the Steelers win. Why is it so doggone important then? Why am I stressing out over whether they play well or not? How does it affect me personally? Why will it make a difference five seconds after the game ends? Yet here I am, reading any drivel I can about the game. The really sad thing is that I've managed to transfer my paranoia/strangeness/whatever to my younger daughter. She now knows that you have to lay on the couch in the direction the Steelers are heading. She knows that when the Steelers have the ball, you always point your index fingers (either for first down or touchdown) and when they are on defense, you fist your hands (the universal signal for 4th down). She knows that when the Steelers are either going for a touchdown or kicking a field goal, you put both hands in the air to signal the score (and, of course, when the other team is kicking a field goal, you make the no good signal). Who would have guessed that watching football required so much training?

I can't really remember much else I was planning to rant about other than Smallville last night: I mean, really, did anyone want Bo Duke to die instead of little Miss-All-About-Me? Raise your hand if you were relieved Lana lived? I thought so.

Can I Breath Now?

I may or may not have mentioned this, but I'm a huge Steelers fan. Always have been - growing up in Pittsburgh in the 70's has something to do with it, I'm sure. Anyway, since 1980, the team has really done nothing but break my heart. There's always something that keeps them from getting to the big game or (in 1995) winning the big game. It's usually that they are just good enough to not win. They only win enough to ruin any chances for a good draft pick. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride as they say. So as a Steelers' fan, you develop a sense of self-preservation and brace yourself for the game you are sure they can't win. For me, it was yesterday's game at Indy. Oh sure, anything can happen, but our pass defense had been so porous, and, well, the most I was hoping for was a close game.

Then, BAM! 14-0 and Manning can't complete a pass to save his life. Do my eyes deceive me? Can this be? Ah, but here comes Manning near the end of the half - surely he's going to cut the lead in half. And with the Colts getting the ball first in the second half ... well, it was nice while it lasted. But wait, the Colts are held to 3 points. Whoa, dodged a bullet that time. Maybe the Steelers can hang with them.

Second half - waiting for the inevitable Colts offensive explosion. But wait, the Steelers are now up 21-3. How can that be? I mean, yeah, I love my team, but come on. These are the Colts they are playing, everybody's appointed SuperBowl champ.

Fourth quarter and if you thought things were strange, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Steelers go for it on 4th and 1, not once, but twice. And make it twice. Despite the Refs "do-over" on the offsides/encroachment/illegal motion (don't know what should have been called, but something should have been). And then Troy intercepts Manning. Woo doggies, game over, right? Right? HOW ON G-D'S GREEN EARTH CAN THEY REVERSE THAT CALL??!?!?!?!?!?? We are so screwed. But wait, Manning's sacked at the 2 on a 4th and 16. That has GOT to be game, right? Right? Bettis fumbles? HUH? WHA? The man never fumbles. WHY? WHY? WHY? Thank heavens for Ben's tackle - at least they have a chance (however slim). Guess I should have been happy the Steelers stuck with them this long. WIDE RIGHT!!!! Vanderjagt is wide right! Oh my heavens, they just did it. They won the game. I'm stunned.

Of course, now I'm worried they've spent all of their emotion on this game and will come out flat against the Broncos. They can't win that game, can they? Someone pass the Maalox.

I'm Grouchy

Hubby's out of town and I know I should be getting a bunch of stuff done, but I'm tired, and I'm irritable, and I'm just downright grouchy. I couldn't wait for the kids to get to bed - mainly because I want to go to bed now too. Hubby called, and I don't think I could have sounded less interested. Kids were shooed off to bed with a grouchy grumble. And here I was thinking I'd get tons accomplished when he was out of town. I mean, it's not like I don't have anything to do. I probably have a good 8 hours of work that I brought home with me. I definitely need to exercise. The house needs cleaned, and tomorrow is garbage day. So what do I want to do? Eat raw cookie dough and go to bed. I guess I'll do the garbage ... and I really should get some laundry done so my older girl will have something to wear to her sleepover on Friday. But that's it. I'm not exercising tonight. And I am going to dig into that cookie dough.

Gee, wonder why I didn't lose weight last week?

Motivated? Ask Me How....Tomorrow

Haven't felt much like posting in here lately. Job's been a bit hectic. So how about them New Year's Resolutions? I'm so proud... exercised multiple times last week (4 times, I think) ... watched what I was eating ... and guess what? I lost a whopping .. oh, let me think ... carry the 1 ... Zero pounds. That right. Zip, nada, zippo. Color me impressed. I know, I know, I'm doing the right things, it'll come, it takes time ... rinse, lather, repeat. Look, I'm not ambitious on the best of days, so without some kind of instantaneous gratification, I'm headed for the chocolate. Heck, I'm halfway there the moment I get out of bed most days. Chocolate demands nothing. It doesn't make inflict repetitive motion injuries on myself in 45 minute doses (unless, of course, there's such a think as chocolate elbow ... you know, from dipping into the box repeated ... but I digress). It just sits there and tastes good. I don't have to force myself to eat chocolate and in some wacky scientific corners, it's almost a health food, right? Right.

I know, I know, rinse, lather, repeat. Grumble, grumble.

And I Mean It This Time ... Honest

Another year, another chance to blow through some resolutions you have no intention of keeping. Yeah, I know. I have them too. And this year, I rilly, rilly mean it. I do. Honest. Is that a coookie over there? *ahem* Yeah, the weight loss thing is top of the list. I'm getting to the age when my family history of heart attacks should start rearing its ugly head so I should be motivated. It's just that .. well, food tastes so good ... and getting sweaty? Not so much. Oh, I've done the exercise thing twice so far (yay me?), and I've cut down on the snacking, but still ... I'd rather be eating bon-bons on the sofa while watching tv. Ya know, I think I should resolve to gain about 50 pounds - I'll either accomplish it or be happy that I didn't. I'm sure the doctor would love that one. And speaking of doctors, why do they always weigh you, no matter what you go in for? Got a sore throat, step on the scale. Broken leg? Scale again. I think they are intentionally trying to scare people away from going to the doctors. Look, I know I'm a load - I don't need the reminder ... trust me.

Oh well, what about the other stuff? I think Jynx has about the best list of resolutions I've ever seen. She's just so darned organized - I hate that. As for me, I have the standard read more, write more, have more fun things going, but they all feel a little fuzzy. What exactly is more anyways? If I read one more page than last year, will that allow me to check the yes box on that resolution? Going to be kind of tough as I don't know how much or little I read last year. I've tried with a anal specific target list - you know, X minutes doing this, X minutes doing that. But then I just get depressed when I realize that if I add up all my minutes I don't have time to do anything else. Anybody else want another cookie?