Various and Sundry

Haven't been writing much as I'm swamped and in a bad mood, which I tend to try and keep to myself. Nothing really bad happening, just beginning of school stuff, dealing with work stuff, you know the routine. Low energy all around.

Am I a bad mom for dreading soccer season? At first, it seemed like a good way to get my older daughter active (she's more of a reader). The practices were fine, no big deal. Now I get the schedule for the season. Practices are Tues and Thurs at 5:00 (great, except I don't get out of work until 4:30 - try picking up the kids and getting to practice during rush hour in 30 minutes ... yeah, that's going to happen). No biggie, we'll figure it out. Then I looked at the game schedule - every Saturday through November 12th. Who the hell plays soccer in November? We get snow by Halloween, on occasion. Needless to say, it's cold by that time of year. Oy. Can I just back out gracefully now? Probably not. My girl seems to like it. *sigh* By the time we get Saturdays free again, it'll be time for birthdays and holidays. Yeah, I'm a bad mom.

Wow - Scarily accurate

You Are Likely a Second Born

http://images.blogthings.com/birthorderpredictorquiz/second-born.jpg"> %20color="#000000">At your darkest moments, you feel inadequate.At work and school. you do best when you' criticism. In friendship, you tend to give a lot of feedback - positive and negative.Your ideal careers are: accounting, banking, art, carpentry, decorating, teaching, and writing novels.You will leave your mark on the world with art and creative projects.

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/birthorderpredictorquiz">The Birth Order Predictor

Mexican Overload

Nothing like overeating at lunch to motivate you for the afternoon stretch. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Well, yeah, I do ... it's damn good. *sigh* There goes an entire evening of exercise undoing what I just did to myself this afternoon.

So what did I do? Went out for Mexican food at lunch. Mmmmm. They have great chips and dip, just to add those extra calories you so need. On top of that, it gives you that great, sleepy feeling all afternoon long. Of course, I could skip the chips ... and take part of it home ... oh, who am I kidding? No way in hell the clean-plate kid is leaving anything. And since my mouth was burning from the spices, I had to top my mean off with some ice cream, didn't I?

Well, I can always start watching what I eat tomorrow, can't I?

5 Points for Gryffindor!

This past weekend as I was working on the laundry, my seven-year old burst in with what to her was very exciting news. "Mom! Mom! I just got 5 points for Gryffindor!" She had been playing the Harry Potter game on the computer and apparently got the points for learning some sort of spell. My reaction was quite a bit less than hers in the excitement department, but it made me wonder what happens to us as we get older. My daughters would never consider any other house than Gryffindor. It is, afterall, where the bravest, most righteous people get to go. But ask a bunch of teenagers about this, and you'll most likely hear Slytherin (or at least that's what I believe based on my informal survey). Why the change? What happens between seven and thirteen that makes being evil and viscious to other people the cool thing? And what happens after that? Do we continually lose our innocence, our essential goodness until we are left as bitter old hags?

I even compare my younger girl to the older girl. She's four, and you have never seen a child more able to enjoy life. Sure, when she's upset, you know it, but her joy is equally pure. My seven year old is already learning to cover up that joy. Why do we do this? I believe Winston Churchill once said something about if you aren't a liberal by the time you're 30, you have no heart, and if you aren't a conservative by the time you're 40, you have no brain. Why are the two mutually exclusive? Do they have to be, or do we do that to protect ourselves? I want to want to be in Gryffindor till the day I die.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Hell yeah! Growing up in Pittsburgh during the 70's pretty much made it a requirement to be a football-aholic. Fall Sundays were a religious experience - and not because of church. Every Sunday at 1:00, you were glued to the TV set. There were even little rituals that had to be obeyed: You only ever sat on the end of the couch that the Steelers were heading (never on the end they were defending ... you might inadvertently help the other team score). You always raised your hands in the touchdown signal when the Steelers were ready to score. And make sure you do the same thing during a Steeler's fied goal attempt. When the other team attempted a field goal, you make the no-good signal. Oh, and make sure you extend your index finger when the Steelers have the ball (to indicate 1st down, of course), and fist your hand when the other team had the ball (for 4th down, naturally). Yes, being a Steeler fan was hard work, but it was worth it.

Now days, I'm not quite as fanatical. Oh I still do the hand motions and all (even have my daughters doing them), but I will miss a game on occasion. But still, every year at this time, the heart starts pumping a bit faster. Why does a successful football team do this to me? I mean, granted the Pirates haven't been good for years, but even during the Stargell years I wasn't like this about baseball. There's just something primal about the game. Maybe it's the short season. Maybe it's the fact that nobody is bad for very long (well, except for the Lions). I don't really know, but you can guess where to find me on most Sunday afternoons.

Stuck in the 80's

Let me start this post by saying that I am in no way, shape or form cool. I'm firmly entrenched in suburbia, from my SUV to my middle-management-dead-end-job to taking my kids to soccer practice. I dress in khakis and golf shirts, listen to public radio, and go to bed by 11 each night. The only slightly off thing about me might be my liberal political leanings, but even that is more evidence that I'm old than anything else (apparently, it's "in" to be on capitalist overdrive by that's another rant).

So why is it when I listen to the music of the 80's I suddenly feel in again? I never play the radio loud, but when I listen to the music of the early 80's, I just have to crank the volume and sing along (badly, I might add). I can't even listen to popular music today, but somehow 80's music makes me want to dance. Was it so much better back then? Probably not. The funny thing is that anything I've purchased lately in terms of CD's are Celtic (also known as easy-listening only with more interesting instruments). So why can I wail along with "Walking on Sunshine"? Why does "Goody Two Shoes" make me want to dance? I guess my musical tastes atrophied in my early 20's. I don't understand this new-fangled music stuff, but put "Mickey" on the CD player and you'll hear me ... "Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Mickey" (must be the profound lyrics - *snerk*).

Miracles

Just watched the tv show "Miracles" (awesome show, highly recommend it), and it made me think: just what are miracles? Do they exist today or are they a relic of the past? Were biblical miracles literal or simply the expression of changes in the human heart? Do you believe in miracles?

As for me, yes, I do believe in miracles. I believe that some of the biblical miracles were simply a matter of interpretation of actual historical events. But I don't believe that all biblical miracles can be assigned to historical events. I believe that God was more active in the early church because that was what was needed at the time. I don't think miracles are the be-all and end-all of faith - in fact, to a certain extent, they deny faith because when you see the miraculous, what is the need for the belief in things unseen? I believe that miracles exist today - some noticed as miracles, some not called miracles (for example, when the plane ran off the runway in Canada and no one was killed, that, my friends, is a miracle whether they call it a miracle or not). I don't think that miracles are as prevalent as some of my fundamentalist colleagues would like to believe - in fact, anything that makes G-d into your person genie or some freak show (I'm talking about pretty much all tv healers here), has very little of the miraculous in it. But I don't believe that G-d is an uninterested bystander. I've seen too many coincidences - and quite frankly, one out-and-out miracle - to not believe. I just don't think that the power of G-d to perform the miraculous gives the Christian an out or an excuse to not try your hardest. I think G-d often uses people to perform common-place miracles, which means, quite frankly, as a Christian, I have to try harder to open myself up as an instrument of the Almighty. OK, 'nuff said.

In-Your-Face-Ism

As I pulled into a parking lot today, I looked up to see the following front license plate: "Hey Bud, Wise Up, Christ Died for You!" which made me wonder what on earth the person was trying to achieve. Would someone passing by read it, slap themselves on the head and say "By golly, you're right. How foolish of me! Thank you for calling me an idiot - of course I want to hear more about your G-d!" Or was it what I see more and more of in the church, what I call in-your-face-ism. It's a great excuse to not have to engage anyone in conversations of faith. You tell them you're right, they're wrong, end of story, now turn or burn. I just have one question: has anyone ever been converted using this methodology? How would these holier than thous feel if a Muslim approached them in the same manner? Oh, excuse me, they probably would never be approached that way ... mainly because they probably don't have any friends who don't believe. Safer preaching to the choir, you know. Who cares if you burn, at least I'm safe. Tee hee hee.

I know, I know, the excuse is usually, well wasn't Jesus in-your-face? Well, let's look at the evidence. Hmmm, who did Jesus condemn openly? Prostitutes or the church leaders of the day? Who was He quite gentle with? I guess it's easier to ignore His example and go your own way. It usually is. Look, I'm no saint, but at least I can admit it rather than pointing figures at everyone else (even though, ironically, this is quite a finger pointing post). It just kind of pisses me off because not only is this method not effective and not biblical, it is also counterproductive. How many people do you know that are turned off of Christianity because of this same attitude. And it's getting worse now that the politicians are getting into the act. I nearly vomited when I heard about the politicians addressing the Baptist church. The separation of church and state is more for the protection of faith than it is of the state, imho. Once you get caught up in this kind of horse puckey, allowing yourself to be manipulated politically from the pulpit, where is G-d? Anyway, kind of bums me out.

Unfortunately, in-your-face-ism isn't just a habit of the Christian community. I am so tired of folks convinced there is no G-d going out of their way to tell me how my knuckles drag because I do believe. It happened again at a posting board that I visit - a blatant attack on faith as being silly and uneducated. You know what, why not discuss things like civilized human beings rather than attack each other. Oh, I'm sorry, that means you'd have to leave your comfort zone and actually talk to someone who holds a different viewpoint. Didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable.

Forgiveness

As a Christian, I'm told that I should forgive. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us, right? But what is forgiveness? Is it merely the absence of malice towards a person? I don't think so. I can honestly sit here and say that right now, there is no one that I hate. Now this doesn't mean I like everyone, but hate is such a strong word ... I reallyd don't think it applies. Does this mean I've forgiven everyone I should forgive? Unfortunately, no. Hate has nothing to do with it. I still hold grudges about particular slights that prevent me from opening my heart up to some people and truly forgiving. I don't want to admit this, but it is true. You've heard it said, hate the sin, not the sinner, but I'm beginning to think that to truly forgive, you must accept the sin, not hate it. Perhaps I should elucidate a bit more. I can say that I don't hate a person who has done something that in my mind has wronged me. I can say I hate what they did. But if I can't let go of that hate, I don't know that I can say I've truly forgiven them. What happens is that I bury the wrong, suppress it rather than forgive it so that the "relationship" can go on. But what really happens is in suppressing it I hold onto it, almost treasure it. Then if the person "wrongs" me again, up it pops, fresh as the day it hurt me the first time, making this new "wrong" even worse. Eventually, I cut myself off from the person, not willing to be "hurt" again. How is that forgiveness? It's not.

So anyway, I'm not going to list specifics, but there are a couple of folks I need to truly forgive. I need to pray for help to forgive them because while the surface hurt is gone, I can feel myself nursing it like a knife wound, not letting it heal completely. I need to forgive a coworker in another division (I need to pray earnestly for understanding), a friend who no longer talks to me (it hurts, I need to be able to honestly pray for her success even though I am no longer a part of her life), a pseudo-friend who only talked to me when they needed something (I need to forgive and move on, and pray for her well-being), and some family members (I need to forgive insults and pray for guidance in how to deal with them). Please help me be a truly forgiving person, not just someone who suppresses the anger.

A new day ...or trite'r us

Galatians 6:3 - 6:5 For if a man thinks himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each man test his own work, and then he will take pride in himself and not in his neighbor. For each man will bear his own burden.

Read this passage last night. The part that hit me was the section that spoke to "let each man test his own work". At first glance, it looks to be a rather selfish admonition: just worry about yourself. But really, it kind of harkens back to a lesson you learn as a kid. I'm sure you've heard it, "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?" It speaks to personal responsibility, to the idea of worry about the log in your own eye, not the speck in your neighbor's eye. It means that no matter how anyone else acts, you are responsible for how you act. You are not measured on a curve, based on how holy your neighbor leads his life. You are measured on an absolute. You can do nothing to change someone else's behavior, but you do have control over how you act and react. And this is where I've been falling down. I'm been blaming my unhappiness on everyone but myself. Management sucks. Friends are unfaithful. Family is hypercritical. But the question remains, am I or am I not responsible for my own life? Am I or am I not responsible for my own happiness? My obligation is to live my life the best way I know how. Yes, storms will come. Yes, circumstances will be sucky. But my reaction is my choice. My life is my choice. I can focus on what is good or get caught up in the sucky. And just because all the cool kids are doing it is not an acceptable answer for when I behave less than I was made to be. I am to be a child of G-d, acting in a manner that would please my Father. If I get caught up in the junk and allow my behavior to be junk, I can't justify my behavior with that childhood excuse of everybody's doing it. Time to grow up.

Anyway, if you choose to continue reading my blog, you'll probably see a change in what I post. I want to try something new. I want to try to work out my spirituality by writing it down. It will probably hold little interest to anyone but me, so I wanted to warn you ahead of time. I want to use it to try to be the person I know I can be, not the person I am. Lest you think I'm turning into a holy-roller, one of the things that separates me from the church right now is that I can't stand the hypocrisy that I see exhibited by the most "overt" Christians. I think most folks who are in your face forget this particular passage in Galatians. It's so much easier to criticize others than it is to fix yourself. Gee, seems to me that this is the issue Galatians is attacking. Anyway, Peace to you all. I'll understand if you find this dull as dirt.

So What GOOD Happened to You Today?

When I was little and got into a really bitchy mood, my dad would teasingly ask me what good happened to me that day. As a parent myself, I find myself using the same line on my children (Particularly the younger girl, who when asked how her day was says something along the lines of "Some good, some bad," and then proceeds to tell me she wants to tell me the bad things that happened that day. You may say she's just realistic. I say she's only 4 and a half, for Pete's sake.)

So anyway, time to take my own advice and outline what good happened to me today. Well, hmmm, let's see ... er... I wasn't too late for work? I didn't spill soda on myself on the way into work (yes, that happened first thing Tuesday morning)? OK, I need to try harder. Uh... I'm doing ok meeting my numbers this month (yes, my worklife is that sad - you're only as good as your latest numbers)? Hmmm, how about I really do work with some truly caring and intelligent people, despite the lack of management support? How about some of my coworkers actually get it when I start quoting Monty Python? Oooh, better yet, one of them suggested that we should only be able to talk like a pirate during meetings. Heh, I'm feeling better already. And then there's the fact that one of them brought in baked goods at lunch time when I couldn't go out for lunch because of a meeting (it was for the office, but I could at least justify eating a yummy bagel with cream cheese and cinnamon). And I have one co-worker who has adopted the motto "Run and live", and will share that philosophy at the most inopportune times (yes, this is positive ... nothing better than someone running past your office squealing "Run and live" when you're frustrated with what you're doing). My daughters are both healthy, cute (I may be biased on this one), relatively happy, and despite my poor example, interested in spiritual things. I've actually started reading the Bible again nightly and praying more (I mean more than "Please G-d, help me make my numbers"). I'm not reading as much as I'd like, but at least I can listen to books on tape. My boss talks to me daily, which usually means you aren't on the layoff list (beware when you boss starts avoiding you). Despite my visiting mother, I've managed to exercise three times so far this week. My husband has been nice to my visiting mother, not setting her off more than once (harder than it sounds - she tends to be surly, but that's another rant). And I've edited a couple more chapters of the book. I just wish I knew if it were any good or not (I just hate wasting my time). So all in all, not bad, eh?

Nothing to see, move along ...

I'm having one of those not much to say periods, which begs the question why am I talking about the fact that I have nothing to talk about. It's just that things seem to have settled into a comfortable rut. I get up. I go to work. I duck as much as I can. I go home and do family things. I try to write. I try to exercise. Lots of trying, but I'm not sure of the value.

Gah. Another entry in depression 'r us. I'm sick of it. I'm really not that bummed out. I think I'm just an antisocial person who's forced to be much more social than I want to be. Wait, that's not it. I'm an antisocial person who craves person contact but doesn't like the work it takes to maintain the relationships? Yeah, that's better (in a not sort of way). I'd like to be outgoing, honest. It just takes so much darn work.

It's always something...

You know, it seems like I can always find something to whine about. Why is that? It's not like my life sucks beyond the telling of it - far from it. So why am I always looking at the bad. Near as I can tell there are a couple of really warped reasons for it. One, if I look for the bad and the bad happens, I'm not nearly disappointed. And as bad as that reason sounds, it's nothing compared to the neuroses exhibited by reason number two. And what is that profound piece of logic? So long as I worry about the situation, there will be nothing to worry about. The minute I allow myself to relax, things'll go to hell in a handbasket. So by keeping myself constantly stressed, I can prevent bad things from happening, right? OK, so where are those men in the white suits with their big pills that make me see the pretty colors?

The sad thing is I realize how neurotic this all is, but I still don't seem to be able to back away from the thought process. Maybe that's why I like writing. I can make other people as neurotic as I actually am, taking it to it's logical extreme and demonstrate that I do realized it's a cracked way to live. Not that I'm going to change my own behavior anytime soon. Noooo. As hatgirl likes to quote, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." Geesh. Somebody pass the Ritalin.

Help, Mr. Wizard, I Don't Wanna Be A ...

Anybody else remember Tutor the Turtle? It's an old cartoon featuring a turtle named (ironically enough) Tutor. Tutor was never happy with what he was doing. He always wanted to be doing something else, so he'd go to Mr. Wizard and tell him that he wanted to be a [blank] (race car driver, chef, you fill in the blank). Of course, things would quickly deteriorate, and Tutor would exclaim, "Help Mr. Wizard, I don't wanna be a [blank]!" And Mr. Wizard would pull him back, ending each show with a sad nod and a "Tutor, my boy. Be what you is, not what you is not. Them that do this is the happiest lot."

Anyway, days like today make me feel like Tutor. Only I don't have a Mr. Wizard to pull me out. I have to do that myself. What I hate is that it seems a lot of the time, I'm not the one asking for the problem. Thanks to some folks who aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing, the job is one swirling cesspool of impending disaster. I don't mind fixing something once or twice, but everyday for the past week and a half, things that I had asked to be taken care of weren't, and now I have to deal with the fallout. [I know this is a bit cryptic, but hey, it's job stuff and .... well, I do need the paycheck.] Gah. I just wish I had a Mr. Wizard once in awhile.

What Is It Good For?

There was recently a gay pride-fest in my town. I wouldn't have even known about it except it was held in a park that we drove past on our way to a movie. Even then I wouldn't have known except for the protesters - the ones with the "This way to hell" signs. What amazed me was that not only did the protesters think that yelling at people going to this festival was a great way to spend a Saturday, but that they also felt it was important enough to have professional signs made up. These weren't your run of the mill, homemade cardboard signs, oh no. These were professionally printed on cloth signs, so they could use them again. Now, as you know from my earlier posts, I don't begrudge them their right to protest. I'm just trying to figure out why they were doing it. What purpose was it to serve? Was it to show that they think these people are wrong and sinful? It sure as hell wasn't to show them how loving the Christian community can be. It did nothing but push people away from Christ - let's face it, if I were going to this gathering, I would have been horridly offended by the signs. So what was the purpose? Did they really think that the people going there thought everyone supported their ideas? Um, hate to say it, but the only reason there are things like a pridefest is because they KNOW people are condemning them - so what purpose did the protest serve? More importantly, did the protesters ever think to evaluate their methods in light of WWJD? The Jesus I know about condemned the Pharisees for their hypocrisy. He tended to be quite accepting of the everyday sinner, wanting to show them there was another way. Do you think that any of these types of protests accomplished that?

And more importantly, do you think their concern was for the immortal souls of the people attending this festival? I don't think they gave a crap about anyone but themselves. They wanted to show how holy and morally superior they were. Sounds a bit like the Pharisees, doesn't it? Am I being judgemental? Yeah. But I hate it when people give my G-d a bad name while trying to make themselves look superior. Kinda ticks me off.