Went home to visit my family this weekend - an activity that always engenders severe introspection. You see, while I admire what my mother has been able to do with the life she's been dealt, I desperately don't want to be like her. She tends to go through the motions of life with a passion for nothing. There's nothing that she seems to want to do, nowhere she wants to go. When she does do something, it's because someone asked her, not necessarily because she wants to do it.
So here I sit and pray fervently that I will not be like that, that somehow I will be different. Then I look at my life. Now don't get me wrong, from external appearances, I have a pretty nice life. Heck, from my point of view, it's not necessarily too bad. Good paying job, husband who loves me, two kids, nice house (white picket fence optional). So why am I not more satisfied? At the risk of sounding like I'm boasting, I'm one of those folks who people expected to do great things. Always near the top of my class, a writer since the third grade. When I started my job, I threw myself into it and got a top rating. The top ratings continues, so I continued. Finally, twenty years and several downsizings later, the top ratings stopped. Now it feels as though I'm perceived as a somewhat competent business person. I sit here twenty years later in a job that I don't particularly like and feel as though it's too late to change.
What happened to the "promise"? Why does it feel like I'm destined to float through life and not really matter? How could I have not done something more with my life? Oh, I still haven't given up. I write. Sometimes. When the mood strikes. When I have time. I finished a book, but to really do anything with it, I would have to finish editing it. But for some reason, I hesitate. Am I afraid if I finish, fearing that if I do, I'll have to send it out and find out this is another area where my "promise" has fizzled? Gah. I hate feeling like this. I mean, I know that corporate America specializes in making you feel like shit. But still...where is my passion? Am I going to look back in another 20 years and realize that my life has been wasted? Tomorrow never comes, or so they say. Why do I keep saying tomorrow, I'll get my life together?
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8 comments:
Don't you worry... you won't be like your mom unless you decide you want to be.
I know what you mean about expecting more, though. I, too, expected to have done more with my life... or to have been in a different place than I am in now. I have to wonder if everyone feels this in one way or another. I tend to think so.
I suggest you pick THREE THINGS you really, REALLY want to do and put for the steps to do them. Carpe Diem! (And no, not fish of the day!) =P~ You're still young... no matter what it is, you have plenty of time to accomplish it!
Problem is that I look at my life and more of it has passed than I probably have remaining. I just can't see anything changing the job thing (except maybe a layoff). *sigh* perhaps I should just concentrate on finishing the book. It's just with what Don and the others have experienced ... what are the chances I'm doing anything but wasting my time?
Pul-eeze! You're what, 37? You have at LEAST another 50 years... that's much more than what you've passed so far.
Do it... make the change today. There really isn't anything stopping you but yourself!!
(Yeah, I know... I'm not one really to be talking!)
*cough*40*cough*
Maybe I'm having a mini mid-life crisis or something?
Wow... yeah, those three years make the entire difference! =s =)
I'm thinking you should just curl up in a rocking chair and start knitting now... =P~
Mini-mid-life? Yeah, mebbe... are you considering buying a convertible, red sports car too??? =P~
Nah, the kid's carseats wouldn't fit into it. Though I do like the mini Cooper ...
if you enjoy the writing, it is not "wasting time". the only time wasting thing is spazzing yourself out to the point of not finishing it, because it is GOOD. trust me, i read a lot. the bookshelves are full of complete and utter crap. and honestly, in the grand scheme of things, what's the worst that can happen when you finish the book and send it out- you get rejected? at least you tried. i find it far more respectable to have tried and failed than to have never tried.
Ummm...hatgirl is right. The writing is GOOD and should be continued at all costs. Keep in mind here - the only reason I'm examining it in light of being a waste of time is that it takes away hours that I could be spending working for more money - a problem that you aren't currently facing...so WHY even consider giving it up?
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