Jealous Much?

OK, about a week in and my willpower sucks. So much for starting again again. Looks like I'm back to again again again.

Anyway, this week the kids are on Spring Break. Hubby has taken off the week because he has a boatload of vacation and he starts losing it if he doesn't use it. It's great and he's great with the kids, but I can't help but feel a little jealous. They went hiking on Monday, to an IMAX movie and the science center on Tuesday, toured the state capital on Wednesday (got in the Lt. Gov's office and everything), and are going down to DC today for cherry blossom festival time. Me? I'm sitting behind a computer working on spreadsheets. Again. Some more. Sometimes life isn't fair, ya know?

Starting Again...Again

Well, this is it. This is the day that I start taking care of myself again. Enough wasting time, enough eating things that aren't even that good. I mean it this time. Honest I do. Oooo, are there sugar cookies over there?

*Sigh* About eleven years ago, I did a pretty amazing thing. After a lifetime of doing nothing but eating and lamenting my yearly weight gain, I changed my life completely. I go to within 3 pounds of what I weighed in 7th grade. It was pretty awesome and I was stoked. So stoked that I couldn't ever imagine letting things get out of control again. Fast forward to my first child. I ate. A lot. I blamed it on stress - I had switched jobs so I wouldn't have to travel and hated the new job. Truth was I was using the pregnancy thing to go nuts. So I had the kid and oh boy, I was going to get back on the stick. Nothing was going to stop me. Much. Except another pregnancy. And more stress. And more laziness. Now here I am today looking like stay-puff the marshmallow man after swearing I'd never do it again.

Oh, I start to do the right things pretty much every day. It sometimes even lasts until about 10:00 in the morning. I'd love to just say stuff it all and eat bon-bons, but now I'm paying for my indescretions with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. You'd think I'd know better, but still ...it's chocolate you know. And French Fries. And about anything else you enjoy eating. And you know, that bed looks awfully inviting. I know, I'll go to bed earlier and get up early tomorrow to exercise. Honest.

Posting for the Sake of Posting

Really should try to update this, but while there have been various thoughts floating around in my head, there really hasn't been anything I wanted to rant on about. Oh well, so here goes the smaller thoughts in my head:

1. Read an article about how the world is becoming more conservative because conservates are having more babies. Somehow, that's not enough to make me want to reproduce again.

2. Read an article about Oppenheimer, where I read the scariest and most logical explanation/rationale for dropping the atomic bomb. You see, we really didn't have to drop it to defeat Japan (lots of info on the subject, if you hunt for it; generally, historians agree on this point). The point Oppenheimer made was that if we didn't drop the bomb at the end of WWII and truly understand how horrible a weapon this was, the next war might have been totally nuclear. Think about it. Korea was the next war. Can you imagine if the US and USSR had turned that one nuclear?

3. Why is that I have a whole list of stuff that needs to get done, but come night time, all I want to do is sleep?

That's all for now. Except to say if you were a Dallas Cowboy fan, should you be rejoicing and sobbing about signing Terrell Owen?

Sittin' and Thinkin' in Sunny California

So this week is the big show, which means I basically answer e-mails half the day and stay on my feet talking about my product to mildly interested passersby for the other half. In between I eat and I ponder and try to avoid spending too much time with other people. Yeah, I'm that anti-social. Not that they are bad people, it's just that every time I go to one of these shindigs, the fact that I'm not really that interested in what I do for a living becomes ever more obvious. Oh, I care, I guess...I mean, I want to do a good job, but if the fairy of good fortune bonked me on the head and said I could have anything I wanted, this job would not be top of the list (winning lottery ticket usually takes that place). I sometimes think I'm just lazy - I mean, really, there is NOTHING I want to do for a living. Oh, I think I'd like to write, but I haven't even managed to take the time to edit the one book I did finish. I'd like to bike-ride, but no one really wants to pay you to do that. I'm great at things no one will ever pay me for - vacations, movies, that sort of things. It's just the thought of trying to make money that is a brick wall. I was at breakfast this morning, listening to a guy talk about his retirement plans, using every cliche he could think of trying to sound "deep" ... and you know what? Not me. And I feel as though I'm surrounded by folks trying too hard to sound earnest. Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic ... or maybe I just want to go home (also true, I actually miss the rugrats ... and hubby of course). I dunno, it just feels like this shouldn't be all there is....that I should be doing something about it. But then I figure, hey, I can afford to do what I want to do, even if there seems to not be enough time, and why start over again. I guess that is it. I am just lazy. *Yawn* I think I'm going to go read for awhile.

Back Again

Anybody miss me?

Anyway, have a couple of thoughts floating around my pea brain of varying degrees of importance, so here goes:

1. Hate - anybody realize how frequently we use this word? I hate artichokes, I hate my job, I hate [fill in the blank]. Do we really hate all these things? Or are there only aspects that we dislike. How intensely do you have to dislike something to say that you HATE it? I just think it's overused. For example, my job makes me uncomfortable and cranky, but do I really hate it? I like the money it gives me, and on occasion, I can accomplish things. Yeah, I'm not crazy about it, but does it really reach the hate level? And what kind of person/society does it make for with all this so-called "hate" being bandied about? Just thinkin'

2. Joy - I realized today as I came into work that I'm really worried about my kids and their future. I so want them to enjoy their adult life as much as they enjoy their childhood. What happens that seems to make us so much less joyful as we grow-up? Does it have something to do with item 1?

3. Yellow sweatpants - do not believe the fallacy that sweatpants come in any color. They do not. I spent an entire weekend proving this. I "hate" yellow sweatpants.

Hee! I look 37!

Had a doctor's appointment today. The highlight was when the doctor said he thought I was only 37. How sad is it that that kind of made my day? Never thought I'd see the day that having someone think you were 37 was a good thing. Hee.

Been feeling older and older lately. Watching the Olympics does that to me. It's all that "poor Michelle Kwan, not as young as she used to be, 25" thing that bugs. Not to mention the whole snowboarding thing, which I do NOT get. It's like they're speaking a foreign language. And anyone, it's kind of hard to take something serious as a sport when all the competitors look like they use the word "dude" regularly - without any intended irony. Call me old-fashioned, but I want my sports a little more cut and dry than "Whoa, did you see that [insert some phrase that I have no clue as to what it means]?" The guy who goes the fastest wins. Easy. Right? Anything else, no matter how pretty, isn't a sport.

That goes for the whole figure skating thing too. Not a sport. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's physically straining. But then again, so is gardening and it's not an Olympic event. But seriously, dancing is also physically straining - not the point. When someone just decides who is the winner, it ceases to be a sport. Just look at the latest Superbowl. Oops, was that outloud voice again?

Kick Ass Women in TV

Driving into work this morning, my mind wandered over to considering the television shows I like the best. Besides tending to be in the sci-fi/fantasy/adventure genre (yes, I'm a geek), they all have one other thing in common: kick ass women as the protagonist. Whether the shows are good (Veronica Mars) or truly dreadful (I'm looking at you, Charmed), they all seem to have strong women as their lead characters. Made me think about the best women characters ever in television. In evaluating them, I decided on a couple of ground rules. 1. They have to characters I liked through the entire run of the series (that means no Buffy, no Sydney Bristow). 2. They have to have been on shows that lasted more than 1 season (Sorry, Jaye from Wonderfalls or Zoe from Firefly). So, without further delay, here's my list:

1. Dana Scully (X-Files) - probably my first girl crush in television. She was smart, tough, great-looking and had a killer wardrobe. She was just as likely to save Mulder as be saved by him. And no matter how silly the show got, she always could be counted on to keep a straight face. I like that about an action hero.

2. Aeryn Sun (Farscape) - Hot, kick ass babe who managed to be alien the entire run of the series. I loved that she was more often than not the one to do the saving. I loved that she learned and changed through the series. Don't believe me? Watch the first episode and compare the character to how she acted at the end. Would you have ever believed that woman could become so caring?

3. Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars) - once again, tough, doesn't take shit from anyone woman (except for Logan, but that's another story). Who ever thought a high school student on a tv show could be so in control? What's great is that she can lose her shit and still be tough. And it doesn't hurt that she's played by the incomparable Kristin Bell, either.

4. Xena (Xena) - Come on, probably the best portrayal of what could have been a ho-hum one-dimensional Amazonian ever. I loved that Lucy Lawless never took this shit seriously. You could almost see her winking at you, as if to say she was in on the joke too. The fact that they got so much lesbian subtext past the censors was also fun.

5. Hmmm, this is a tough one. There are so many worthy candidates. I'm going to have to go with the prototypical female hero, Mrs. Peel. How can you not love a woman in leather that was played by a Shakespearian trained actress?

So, there's my list. Lot of good characters left off, but I think it'll do.

Just the Facts, Ma'am

I think I've finally OD'd on sports talk radio. I'd been listening to it a lot lately because, well 1. The Steelers and that little old football came and 2. Radio sucks around here unless you like Right Wing Radio - all. the. time. So what finally turned me off of it? The little syncophant fanboys? No, it was the Foxsports radio announcers themselves. This morning one of their frat boys was going on and on about how biased the football hall of fame voters are, how the fans know better, how it's just 39 biased sports writers opinion. What got him riled up? His own biases of course. How could they not say so-and-so was a hall of famer? They are obviously biased because they don't agree with him. Um, huh? First of all, fans are obviously the most unbiased people in the world (tongue firmly in cheek). Just look at the last Superbowl. I can tell you who you rooted for (or against) based on what you thought of the officiating. So, no. Just no.

Truthfully, everything and everyone has a bias. It's not a sin. It's called being human. And just because someone's bias doesn't agree with yours doesn't mean they are wrong. Did it ever occur to this guy that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong? Oh, that's right. This is Fox. They are never wrong. Just like their "news" is "fair and balanced." Right. 'Cause they never just agree with one side of an issue or just present one side, right? OK, so maybe it is true only in Bizarro world. But that's what I hate about claims of bias. They usually only show up when you disagree with someone - including for me (if my attitude toward Fox is any indication). I think the bigger problem is not admitting your own bias and never listening to an opposing point of view.

Finally, what would happen if we based everything on "facts" as folks want to? The bigger question is which facts do you evaluate? Going strictly by "the facts" also is a bit like driving while looking in the rearview mirror - it's great for seeing where you were, not so great in seeing where you might want to go. I have a director at work who's big on "facts", and as a consequence, has never seen a project he wanted to approve. Then he has the nerve to ask why we don't have more projects. Hypocrite much?

So yeah, facts are important. But so are opinions. And just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they are always wrong. Last I looked, only one Man was ever infallible (with apologies to any Catholic that might read this).

Go Team?

I know I'm supposed to be jubilant today, but somehow, I can't muster any enthusiasm. I mean, sure, the Steelers won, and yeah, I'd rather they won than didn't, but still ... well, quite honestly the game stunk. The officiating was not great and it kind of took some of the shine off the game. I wanted to see the teams play their best ball and what we got was this yawn-fest, where Pittsburgh couldn't move the ball to save their lives, Seattle couldn't finish off anything, and the officials often seemed out there in la-la land. It was one of the most boring games I've ever seen. If I hadn't had a rooting interest, I probably wouldn't have watched it. A very unsatisfying conclusion to a fairly satisfying season.

As for other stuff, I'm still not losing weight, which is frustrating. I mean, if I'm not going to lose anything anyway, why not just be a pig, eat what I want and stop the insane exercise thing? It's not like I LIKE exercising anyway. Being 40 sucks.

On Watching TV

I actually had planned to update long before now but had trouble getting into the system. Yeah, I know, terribly disappointing, ain't it?

Anyway, I've lost the chance to post a couple of good rants. One was on why does the Superbowl matter? I mean, really, it's not like I'm going to lose weight, win money, or get more friends if the Steelers win. Why is it so doggone important then? Why am I stressing out over whether they play well or not? How does it affect me personally? Why will it make a difference five seconds after the game ends? Yet here I am, reading any drivel I can about the game. The really sad thing is that I've managed to transfer my paranoia/strangeness/whatever to my younger daughter. She now knows that you have to lay on the couch in the direction the Steelers are heading. She knows that when the Steelers have the ball, you always point your index fingers (either for first down or touchdown) and when they are on defense, you fist your hands (the universal signal for 4th down). She knows that when the Steelers are either going for a touchdown or kicking a field goal, you put both hands in the air to signal the score (and, of course, when the other team is kicking a field goal, you make the no good signal). Who would have guessed that watching football required so much training?

I can't really remember much else I was planning to rant about other than Smallville last night: I mean, really, did anyone want Bo Duke to die instead of little Miss-All-About-Me? Raise your hand if you were relieved Lana lived? I thought so.

Can I Breath Now?

I may or may not have mentioned this, but I'm a huge Steelers fan. Always have been - growing up in Pittsburgh in the 70's has something to do with it, I'm sure. Anyway, since 1980, the team has really done nothing but break my heart. There's always something that keeps them from getting to the big game or (in 1995) winning the big game. It's usually that they are just good enough to not win. They only win enough to ruin any chances for a good draft pick. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride as they say. So as a Steelers' fan, you develop a sense of self-preservation and brace yourself for the game you are sure they can't win. For me, it was yesterday's game at Indy. Oh sure, anything can happen, but our pass defense had been so porous, and, well, the most I was hoping for was a close game.

Then, BAM! 14-0 and Manning can't complete a pass to save his life. Do my eyes deceive me? Can this be? Ah, but here comes Manning near the end of the half - surely he's going to cut the lead in half. And with the Colts getting the ball first in the second half ... well, it was nice while it lasted. But wait, the Colts are held to 3 points. Whoa, dodged a bullet that time. Maybe the Steelers can hang with them.

Second half - waiting for the inevitable Colts offensive explosion. But wait, the Steelers are now up 21-3. How can that be? I mean, yeah, I love my team, but come on. These are the Colts they are playing, everybody's appointed SuperBowl champ.

Fourth quarter and if you thought things were strange, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Steelers go for it on 4th and 1, not once, but twice. And make it twice. Despite the Refs "do-over" on the offsides/encroachment/illegal motion (don't know what should have been called, but something should have been). And then Troy intercepts Manning. Woo doggies, game over, right? Right? HOW ON G-D'S GREEN EARTH CAN THEY REVERSE THAT CALL??!?!?!?!?!?? We are so screwed. But wait, Manning's sacked at the 2 on a 4th and 16. That has GOT to be game, right? Right? Bettis fumbles? HUH? WHA? The man never fumbles. WHY? WHY? WHY? Thank heavens for Ben's tackle - at least they have a chance (however slim). Guess I should have been happy the Steelers stuck with them this long. WIDE RIGHT!!!! Vanderjagt is wide right! Oh my heavens, they just did it. They won the game. I'm stunned.

Of course, now I'm worried they've spent all of their emotion on this game and will come out flat against the Broncos. They can't win that game, can they? Someone pass the Maalox.

I'm Grouchy

Hubby's out of town and I know I should be getting a bunch of stuff done, but I'm tired, and I'm irritable, and I'm just downright grouchy. I couldn't wait for the kids to get to bed - mainly because I want to go to bed now too. Hubby called, and I don't think I could have sounded less interested. Kids were shooed off to bed with a grouchy grumble. And here I was thinking I'd get tons accomplished when he was out of town. I mean, it's not like I don't have anything to do. I probably have a good 8 hours of work that I brought home with me. I definitely need to exercise. The house needs cleaned, and tomorrow is garbage day. So what do I want to do? Eat raw cookie dough and go to bed. I guess I'll do the garbage ... and I really should get some laundry done so my older girl will have something to wear to her sleepover on Friday. But that's it. I'm not exercising tonight. And I am going to dig into that cookie dough.

Gee, wonder why I didn't lose weight last week?

Motivated? Ask Me How....Tomorrow

Haven't felt much like posting in here lately. Job's been a bit hectic. So how about them New Year's Resolutions? I'm so proud... exercised multiple times last week (4 times, I think) ... watched what I was eating ... and guess what? I lost a whopping .. oh, let me think ... carry the 1 ... Zero pounds. That right. Zip, nada, zippo. Color me impressed. I know, I know, I'm doing the right things, it'll come, it takes time ... rinse, lather, repeat. Look, I'm not ambitious on the best of days, so without some kind of instantaneous gratification, I'm headed for the chocolate. Heck, I'm halfway there the moment I get out of bed most days. Chocolate demands nothing. It doesn't make inflict repetitive motion injuries on myself in 45 minute doses (unless, of course, there's such a think as chocolate elbow ... you know, from dipping into the box repeated ... but I digress). It just sits there and tastes good. I don't have to force myself to eat chocolate and in some wacky scientific corners, it's almost a health food, right? Right.

I know, I know, rinse, lather, repeat. Grumble, grumble.

And I Mean It This Time ... Honest

Another year, another chance to blow through some resolutions you have no intention of keeping. Yeah, I know. I have them too. And this year, I rilly, rilly mean it. I do. Honest. Is that a coookie over there? *ahem* Yeah, the weight loss thing is top of the list. I'm getting to the age when my family history of heart attacks should start rearing its ugly head so I should be motivated. It's just that .. well, food tastes so good ... and getting sweaty? Not so much. Oh, I've done the exercise thing twice so far (yay me?), and I've cut down on the snacking, but still ... I'd rather be eating bon-bons on the sofa while watching tv. Ya know, I think I should resolve to gain about 50 pounds - I'll either accomplish it or be happy that I didn't. I'm sure the doctor would love that one. And speaking of doctors, why do they always weigh you, no matter what you go in for? Got a sore throat, step on the scale. Broken leg? Scale again. I think they are intentionally trying to scare people away from going to the doctors. Look, I know I'm a load - I don't need the reminder ... trust me.

Oh well, what about the other stuff? I think Jynx has about the best list of resolutions I've ever seen. She's just so darned organized - I hate that. As for me, I have the standard read more, write more, have more fun things going, but they all feel a little fuzzy. What exactly is more anyways? If I read one more page than last year, will that allow me to check the yes box on that resolution? Going to be kind of tough as I don't know how much or little I read last year. I've tried with a anal specific target list - you know, X minutes doing this, X minutes doing that. But then I just get depressed when I realize that if I add up all my minutes I don't have time to do anything else. Anybody else want another cookie?

Mid-life Crisis? You Can't Make Me ...

Had an interesting dinner with a good friend last night. We both seem to be in a bit of a funk - from outward appearances, things are fine, terrific, swell even. But for some reason, we both feel kind of bummed out. After many glasses of soda (honest) and too long in a restaurant, we came to the uncomfortable conclusion that perhaps we're going through the dreaded mid-life crisis. Why is that bad? Well, I don't WANT to be old. When I think that way (which is probably fairly accurate), I have to admit my own mortality. I have to admit that half of my time on this planet has already passed. I don't wanna. You can't make me. *insert tongue sticky outy thing here*

Anyway, as we meandered through our conversation, it also became clear that neither of us are the time of people who folks gravitate towards, and that thank heavens we made friends in our twenties because new friends? It ain't happening. Part of the problem seems to be a latent rebellion. As I get older, I'm finding myself more and more annoyed by people who try to tell me what to do. I think it's because I was ever so obedient all my life, and it's starting to piss me off. Besides, it seems as though (particularly with family) what I do is never enough so why bother? Anyway, what it all boiled down to is the resurgence of a you-can't-make me attitude that while I don't necessarily verbalize, underlies much of my annoyance with life. Add to that a feeling that I'm tired of arguing with people (they should just do whatever "because I said so" - I'm often not really good at backtracking to how I reached a decision), and you end up with one crotchety old woman. Hmmm, maybe mid-life crisis isn't so bad afterall?

Chestnuts, Bells, and the Fat Guy w/ Cookies

Ok, can someone tell me how Christmas snuck up on me this year? I mean, it's not like I haven't been seeing the decorations for the last 3-4 months. And it's not like I haven't been accosted by people manning the kettles at every store. Yet here I sit, two weeks away and do I have cards done? No, not even made yet. Presents wrapped? Heck, I'm lucky they're bought. Tree up? What's a tree? Cookies ... mmmm, cookies ... wait, where was I? Anyway, suffice to say I am NOT ready for the holidays. And the more it starts looking like Christmas, the more Scrooge-like I feel. I guess I truly am a vile person.

Anyway, I'm also grumpy because (shock, dismay, astonishment) I'm trying to get into shape again. Yeah, yeah, I know, it takes time. But if I'm making myself miserable for two weeks, dagnabbit, I should see some improvement, right? I mean, it's not like I'm Twiggy trying to lose an ounce or two - we're talking about some serious padding that I need to dump. So is it too much to ask for a pound or two after a couple of weeks? Apparently, it is. *sigh* I'm such a whiner.

The Typhoid Mary of Television

What's the worst thing that can happen to a show you like? I'm beginning to think it's having me watch it. I am death to a tv show - pretty much everything I've liked either hovers in the edge of existinction (Veronica Mars anyone?) or gets cancelled after a couple of shows (Let's see, Firefly, Miracles, and [even though it wasn't that good] Threshold). Is my taste really that bizzarre? I used to think I was great at discovering future cult classics - I mean, I watched X-Files from day one, Xena from day one, Buffy from day one ... you get the picture. Now I just think my taste is weird.

What's even worse is when I pick up a show that's been on for awhile - you guessed, DOA. I'm talking Farscape and now Alias. Yeah, maybe Alias had seen better days, but it kind of reduces me to one show that I tape. Yes, one (the previously mentioned Veronica Mars). So beware. If you really like a show, don't tell me ... at least until it's already cancelled and available on DVD (yay DVDs).

I'm A Loser, Baby ...

Wow, blast from the past musically, but fairly reflective of how I feel. Tired and ready to give up on pretty much everything. Very burned out on the job front - tired of dealing with morons who don't give a damn about anything but their own bonus, tired of being blamed for everything except the bombing in Baghdad, tired of fighting everyone to get the simplest of projects done, just tired. I wish there was some acceptable solution here. Yeah, yeah, I know, find something else. Except there is nothing else in my area of expertise in my area. Moving elsewhere would have too much of a financial penalty, and so I sit. And because I'm so miserable, I get too tired to do much of anything else. Thank heavens the holidays are coming. At least I can forget about everything for a couple of days.

Moving Outside My Comfort Zone

which, by the way, I think is shrinking more rapidly than a wool sweater in boiling water. Anyway, today is one of those frustrating days where I've been spending a lot of time accomplishing exactly nothing. Everything I need to do depends on someone else who has a boatload less urgency than I do about the situation - which is fine, except I'm the one who has to explain why it takes 5 times longer than it should to complete whatever task has been assigned. No wonder I'm eating everything that isn't tied down. Not exactly the Alfred E. Neuman type - I live to fret ... or fret to live... or something like that. That's why I so totally need to win the lottery - it's not greed, it's a health issue. Honest. Think the insurance companies would buy it? Me neither. *sigh*

Other than work, I've had a whopping one good day so far this week. Exercised last night, cleaned a bit, read a bit ... all that good stuff (OK, I ate to much, but ...). Kids got great report cards - I get to go hear the rest of the story tomorrow (parent-teacher meetings). Just hoping the younger one has decided to hide her inner Haskell a bit better.

Speaking of Muzzles ...

Pat Robertson once again demonstrating the loving nature that the public has come to associated with "Christianity." Some background: the Dover schoolboard in York was taken over by a bunch of fundamentalist (who put the mental in fundamenta) who decided that what the district really needed was a court case (obviously there was too much money floating around the district, right?) so they put in a mandatory statement about how evolution was a theory and had "gaps" and "intelligent design" offered an alternative ... blah, blah, blah. Oh, and did I mention that the folks who push this home-school their kids ... and that the person who put the books in the school supporting intelligent design as a "anonymous donation" was the father of the driving force behind the whole thing. Anyway, the voters of Dover had the shits of it and kicked out all 8 of the board members responsible for this nonsense. Bear in mind, this has nothing to do with creationism vs. evolution or the value of either argument, just what is appropriate to teach in schools. (My belief is in a creator who used evolution as the method of His creation, but I don't depend on the schools to perpetrate that.)

Anyway, Robertson said (and I quote) "If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you rejected him from your city." He continued, "And don’t wonder why he hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for his help because he might not be there." OK, several problems with this nasty, vindictive little man. Did it ever occur to him that a God powerful enough to create the world might be able to control a schoolboard election? How does he know that it wasn't God's will that these people get kicked off the schoolboard? I just love his certainty that he and he alone knows God's will. Well, bully for you. That's something that even Abraham Lincoln never claimed. Lincoln said something to the effect that it doesn't matter if God is on our side but rather are we on God's side. I just wish these holier-than-thous would think about that one once in awhile.