Tired

I'm really tired and depressed today and in the mood to have a pity party. I hate when I feel like this, but once I get into this mode, it's really hard to get out of it. I'm tired of the same issues that come up over and over and over again at work. I'm tired of fighting the same battles. I'm tired of not being good at anything. (I am the queen of adequate - just once I'd like to be good. I used to be good at stuff. I'm just not sure what's happened.) I'm tired of being fat (and please, no helpful hints about how to lose weight - 1) I've seen them all before ... 2) I've done them all before .... 3) I've lost about 20 lbs and still have a ton to go) See, I told you this was going to be a pity me thing. Anybody have any chocolate?

And yeah, I'd regret it if you did offer me chocolate. I'm pretty sure this is just a PMS thing, but it isn't very pretty.

Rush, Rush, Rush

Why does everything always seem like such a rush? It just seems like I don't think anymore, I just react. Get up, get ready, get the kids ready, rush to work, rush to pick up the kids, quick stop through McD's drive-thru (because we are nothing if not health conscious), rush to soccer practice, hurry home to get the kids a shower and into bed so that I can run downstairs and exercise in time to go to bed myself. Yeah, it's quite an exciting life. Whatever happened to all those hours doing ... nothing. Or reading because it was something to do? Now I have to make an effort to read a book (otherwise my reading drops to what I get done in the bathroom while I blow-dry my hair in the morning). How on earth did I ever use to ride bike for hours and still get to bed by 8pm, if I wanted to? And what happens when this merry-go-round stops? Will I suddenly not know what to do with myself?

Oh, and in case you are interested, Katie had fun at soccer. I don't see a World Cup appearance in her future, and I hope she acts slightly less ADD-like the next time, but at least she had fun.

Soccer Practice

Well, we've started our 4 night a week soccer practice schedule. Feel my joy. Tonight is my younger daughter's first practice, which should be interesting. She's not the most disciplined of children. It's not that she's bad or doesn't listen, it's just that she doesn't look like she's listening. Her coach was her older sister's coach this past spring, so at least the coach is familiar with Katie. In a warped sort of way, I'm really looking forward to this. Her sister is very smart, but not very athletic, which meant that she knew how to position herself, but wasn't really fast enough to make a difference in the game. Katie loves to run. I want to see if she can combine some of her sister's smarts with a bit of her athleticism. The only question is how Katie's smarts manifest themselves. You see, she's not exactly conventional smart. She's the kid who when asked to name something small, answered "Microbe", but doesn't want to take the time to learn to read (her sister was reading chapter books by the time she was Katie's age). It's not that she can't, she's just not patient enough to do it right now. I wonder how all of this will manifest itself in an organized sport.

Oh, and one final thing: I don't know how other parents do it, in terms of having their kids involved in multiple activities. I mean, we're just doing soccer this fall, and I feel like we're barely keeping up. Can't imagine what it'll be like once school starts.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Sorry for the lack of bloggage, it's just that nothing too profound has been going on lately. I know, I know, what's the diff? *ahem* So anyway, I'm suffering through a summer cold. I think I hate colds worse than any other affliction, mainly because they aren't bad enough to make you go to bed, just bad enough that you feel kind of lousy. If you have the flu or something, people can tell you're sick. You go to bed for a couple of days and ta-da, you feel better. A cold is the gift that keeps on giving (and giving and giving). Not only that, but it's gross. You're all mucousy and you can't seem to blow enough of it out so you snort. Yeah, real attractive.

So what else is going on? Not much. School starts in a couple of weeks. Yay. I really love the commercials Staples used to have where the parents are dancing around the store to "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Though I have to admit, kinda makes you wonder why you have kids in the first place if you're anxious to get rid of them. I don't think it's really that you want rid of them. I think it's more that you want to get back on a schedule of some sort. School is great for that. Afterschool activities, not so much. Both girls are doing soccer this year. Which means rather than losing 2 nights a week to practice, we lose 4 nights. That's right, instead of both girls having practice on the same night which would have been difficult logistically, but better for sheduling, they have them on off nights. Which means until soccer season is over, we have Mon-Thurs practices and Saturday games. Oi. When's Christmas?

I am a Horrible Mother

Weekend was ...um... interesting. It all started on Friday, although I guess I should say it started on Thursday. On Thursday, I was lifting weights in the basement (yeah, I still haven't quite given up on trying to get into shape). I was doing a military press (note to self, you are not in the military), and the last set was really, really hard. I didn't think much of it, went on to do other lifts and finish my routine. Went to bed and everything was fine. Got up the next morning, everything was fine. Got ready for work, got the kids ready - again, everything is fine. Walked down the steps and ... not so fine. My back felt like a giant had tried to twist me in two. I manage to hobble to the car and get into work. No problem because I can sit most of the day, right? Wrong. About 3pm I can no longer sit, so I drive home and lay down for the rest of the day/night. Believe it or not, this isn't the bad mom part. My younger daughter has a play date on Sunday, so on Saturday, I spend the day alternating between cleaning the house and lying on my back (still not to the bad mom part).

Sunday morning, hubby leaves with the older girl. I go over to get my younger daughter. "I'm sick," she moans. Of course, I'm not convinced. Afterall, she is often "sick" first thing in the morning, so I cajole her into getting up and getting moving. This takes about 2 hours. She's still whining that she's sick. I'm convinced that she just needs to eat something, so I load her in the car and take her to Bob Evans (for some sick reason, my kids love Bob Evans - if that doesn't get them going, nothing will). We get there, she's lying on the table. Literally. I'm kind of ignoring her. Her milk comes. I convince her to drink some. She does and then ... well, let's just say she wasn't kidding about being sick. Milk (or some remnant of it) is everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess with my whopping two napkins. The waitress comes over and runs to get a bucket. My girl is still yarking. When the waitress finally comes back, I've managed to pretty much clean up my daughter (note I am not saying ANYTHING about the restaurant). I offer to take the food as take-out and pay for it. Strangely enough, they were just anxious for us to leave. Needless to say, playdate is cancelled.

And if that doesn't make me a bad mom, how about the fact that I really wasn't that disappointed?

What Is The Measure of Your Success?

Jynx asked some questions on a posting board I frequent which unexpectedly made me uncomfortable. I mean, they weren't overly personal or inappropriate, it's just that they made me uncomfortable, which made me wonder why. You see the questions were all about success and accomplishments - no big deal, right? But then I started to look at my life and ... well, it kind of felt like I didn't have much to show for it. And there's the rub. I'm not unhappy. I like my life. I'd like to be less dependent on my job for cash, but wouldn't we all like to win the lottery? I'm reasonable successful career-wise, I love my hubby and kids, the kids are doing well in school, etc. etc. So why do "success" questions make me uncomfortable? I guess it's kind of a mid-life crisis thing. It doesn't seem like I've DONE anything with my life. I mean sure, I'm comfortable and mostly happy, but I just haven't done anything to make a mark. I don't know what would enable me to feel like I've done something - maybe finish that ever-elusive book, who knows - but it feels like everything in my life is fairly transitory, that I should have spent my time more wisely. I guess it's kind of cracked, but there you are. G-d, this sounds like I'm miserable. I'm really not. It's just that ever-elusive not having "done" anything with my life. I guess most people don't really do anything with their lives, but shouldn't I have tried to do something???

Feeling Kinda Dumpy

Blech. I've been doing the diet thing again. Again. Some more. Anyway, got frustrated when it seemed like I wasn't making any progress and had coffee cake this morning. Yeah, that'll help.

I've been in lurch mode lately and can't seem to shake it. It's when you realize you aren't keeping up with something, say the gardening, so you lurch over to do something about that, spend all your time there and then realize something else is suffering because of it, say cleaning. So then of course, you lurch over there to take care of that and something else suffers. Lather, rinse and repeat. Not a great way to run your life, but it's about as close as I can get to balance lately. I think the whole not being independently wealthy thing has something to do with this. This morning I actually considered a lottery ticket buying strategy as a viable solution. Yeah, I'm nuts.

I think some of it is the fact that I never really did get into a career because I liked the job or the industry or whatever. I got into it to make enough money to do what I want to do. Remember that old expression be careful what you wish for? I think I pretty much got what I wanted and now I feel a bit ... oh, I don't know... trapped? I mean, it's not bad. It's just that I spend a heck of a lot of time doing stuff I couldn't care less about. But to stop and start over? That involves sacrifice - not too big on the giving up of human comforts. Yes, I'm shallow. Anybody have any lottery numbers they recommend?

On Getting Older

I think I finally understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. Ever since I passed 40 and realized that there just might be as much life behind me as there is ahead of me, I've been thinking about getting older. Up until then, it was kind of no big deal. In fact, I would have said I enjoyed getting older, for the most part, because a lot of the hassles of being younger kind of drop away. I'm more financially secure and hopefully more emotionally secure. Then 40 hits. BAM. The body parts start really discovering gravity. BAM. Little niggling injuries start showing up (sore foot, sore back kinds of things, nothing too major .... then ....). BAM. You start hearing from your doctor about getting a yearly physical. That you need to start taking daily medications because your body is starting to decide that a diet of chips and pastries maybe isn't the best choice. BAM. Weight loss becomes a lot harder. Where you used to be able to lose 3-5 lbs a week just by cutting back some now you starve for a month for a lousy pound. So just concentrate on the positive, you say. Let me think... what are the top 5 things about getting older ....hmmmm....

1. You've seen enough changes to realize that everything changes, the good as well as the bad.

2. Nobody really expects you to be in shape anyway.

3. You've accrued enough vacation time and money to go on the really good vacations.

4. Hey, one year closer to retirement!

5. At least you're not dead.

So, that's my list. How about you?

Scaredy Cat

I hate irrational fears. I tolerate them in others, but I especially hate it in myself. I especially hate it when said fears keep you from doing something. All of which makes my incredible fear of heights even more annoying. I KNOW it's not logical, but yet I can't help myself. I don't like heights. More specifically, I don't like heights where there isn't a barrier at least shoulder height. So of course I go out of my way to challenge this fear. By going up in high buildings. And looking down. And nearly passing out.

My particular fear apparently takes on an interesting twist. Whenever I'm up on something high, looking over the edge, a little voice in my head seems to whisper, "Jump," and I can almost feel myself doing it, hurtling down the side of the building or whatever. Not that I've ever actually done it. Yet. So I guess you could say it's not the heights, it's the falling that wigs me out. Not that that makes it any better.

It gets worse the more I think about the situation. I can mentally make the most sound platform seem creaky. I start convincing myself that the building I'm in is structurally unsound. Which maybe why I start thinking of the value of jumping. Who knows? All I know is that heights freak me out and I hate it. They are building a new bridge on the way to work that is higher than the old bridge, and the only thing I can think of is will I be able to cross the new bridge without the whitest knuckles on the planet. Jump.

Can We Make All the Weeks 3 Day Weeks?

Wow, Friday already. I can't believe how quickly the week went. I could handle a few more three-day weeks. I'm not at work long enough to get really pissed off at anything. It's a nice feeling.

You know you're kind of hopeless when two days of doing things "right" seems like a good trend. After mom left on Wednesday morning, I decided to try and get back to doing the things I theoretically should want to do. I'd like to say I want to do them, but given that it's stuff like exercising and not eating everything with a glancing familiarity with sugar, I'm not sure that would be truthful. One good thing about mom's visit is that I did rediscover reading as a fun activity (not just something I do on the plane). Usually, I figure I don't have enough time, but I'm trying to read 20 pages a day of anything, and it's been kind of fun. It all started with the book Pornology (trust me, it's actually one of the funniest books I've read in a long time) when mom was visiting - we sat around so much, I just felt like I had to do something. And yeah, it's fun reading a book about porn with your mom sitting next to you on the couch.

Anyway, I also read some of my erstwhile book yesterday (sorry to jump subjects like this - it's the one I wrote). It didn't seem as bad as I remembered. Might have to start the editing process again.

I'm Such a Slacker

The thing about not posting anything for awhile is that it gets harder and harder to post. It's kind of like watching a soap opera. When you watch every day, it seems like a lot happens, but if you just stop in once in awhile, well, it feels like it's going at a snail's pace.

Anyway, did the vacation thing - went to the UK. Flew into Manchester because the airline wouldn't let us fly into London using frequent flyer miles. Yeah, I'm cheap. Worked out pretty well, since most of what we wanted to see was in Scotland. Spent a few days in North Wales area, walked the walls in Chester (and got a really cool Daleks vacation in Chester drawing - yes, I know, I'm a geek), saw Beaumaris, Conwy and Caernaforn (sp?) castles. Shot over to York - it has totally been Americanized, which was disappointing. Instead of seeing small, local shops, you now see Pizza Hut and Bath and Body Shop. Sad, really. Oh, but we did see an "Everything Under a Pound" store, which was kind of amusing. Walked the walls, saw York Minster, rode the giant ferris wheel (which was a bit disappointing). Worked our way up to Stirling, which thankfully hasn't changed that much since the last time we were there. The castles, I must admit are starting to all blur together already. Good thing my daughter was keeping a diary. I still love Scotland - I think we saw Stirling Castle, Campbell Castle, Tolquhon, and er... a bunch of other places. Drove past Loch Ness, but didn't see Nessie. That's about it. (see what happens when I wait too long to update).

Mom visited for the 4th - it was one of the better visits, mainly because we didn't "do" anything. Usually it's such a rat race around the area, but this time we just kind of hung out with her. I even got some gardening done.

And could this entry be any more boring? Sorry 'bout that. Like I said, it happens when I don't update that much. Hope to get back on track now.

Just Another Manic Monday ...

Seems as though I've been a bit negligent here. Generally, when I don't write anything it's because I'm bumming about something or another and figure why get everyone else down. This time it's been the relentless, mind-crushing, soul-sucking entity known as work. It's not that it's that bad ... ok, maybe it is that bad, but more than any individual issue, it's the soul-sucking sameness of the place. Nothing ever changes. Nothing is going to change. I'll go on vacation, and come back to the same mind-numbing issues I left. Oh sure, the names may change, but the problems and issues remain the same. And I feel powerless to do anything about it. Aren't you glad you asked? (OK, since this is my blog, you didn't really ask, but hey, you chose to read it.)

On another subject, I'm thinking about trying to write again. I want to go back to False Face. I think I could do it better this time. Part of me thinks I should work on Murder House, but for some reason, False Face keeps calling me. I doubt I'll ever do anything with it even if I finish it, but I just feel like I need to dive into some project right now before I becomes consumed by everyday life. It just feels like I spend way too much time doing what needs to be done that I'm afraid if I don't do something to break the pattern, there's not going to be a me to do anything when I finally have the time. Does that make any sense?

Oh, and I just looked it up - Manic Monday was released in 1986 ... 20 years ago. G-d, I'm old.

And can relentlessly depressing be described as a writing style? Think there's a market for it?

If Rainy Days and Mondays Get You Down, What About Both of Them?

Well, I survived Mother's Day ... sort of. I had a mini meltdown, mainly because you know that Walgreen's commercial where the guy tells his wife he thought about getting her a card? That's my husband. Then when he spent the morning putting up a television in his office rather than cleaning the carpet like I asked ... well, right or wrong, I was irritated. No big deal, we both got over it. And I still hate Mother's Day.

Unfortunately, I think I wasted most of the weekend. I'm kind of in one of those stages where you have so much to do that you don't do anything. You know what I mean? Where you fall so far behind, it kind of locks you up? Just me, huh? I hate when I get like this. Ended up napping most of Sunday away. What a waste, particularly with mom-inlaw coming to visit on Thursday. Wonder when I'm going to get the motivation (and time, now) to clean? Oh well.

Not only didn't I clean, but I think I managed to undo an entire month's worth of exercising in one weekend. Mmmm, caramel apple pie from Costco. Yeah, I know, I suck. Happy Monday.

Can we cancel Mother's Day? Please?

Just went out to do that most dreaded task, look for Mother's Day cards. I don't know why I make this so hard. Why not just grab the first non-nauseating card and run? But therein lies the problem: finding a card that isn't a cliche, says something, but doesn't make you want to hurl.

Not only do the darn things cost more than a lot of books, but they tend to fall into a couple of categories. The cliche cards are annoying because they tend to fall under the "humor" category. Their humor reminds me of listening to my 7-year old tell jokes. They may have been mildly amusing the first seven or eight times, but its hard to generate any enthusiasm after you hear/read them a dozen or more times. Most of these play on the "I'm such a wonderful kit, you did a great job" theme and have some innocuous cartoon character on them (I'm looking at you, Snoopy). Yawn.

The second category are what I call the "I don't know you well enough so I'll send flowers" category. They usually have some showy bouquet of flowers (with optional sparklies sprinkled on top) and have all the warmth of a form letter. It's like you can almost see the "insert your mother's name here" marking on the card.

The worst, though, are the mushy, how-can-I-live-without-you cards. They are the ones that basically indicate that I couldn't figure out how to get out of bed without you mother, oh, how we've grown closer and closer over the years, you're the most important person in my life. Barf. Hello, I'm over 40. I'd hope that I might have figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. And I hate to break it to you, but I'm married with a family of my own. If my mom is still the most important thing in my life, there's something terribly wrong with my marriage.

Gah. I hate invented holidays.

Dull, Duller, Dullest

OK, is my life really that boring that I have nothing interesting to say for the last however many days? Don't answer that. Truth is, life keeps tumbling along. Minor things come up, but nothing worth a full blown rant. There's the picture I saw in Sunday's paper about an anti-war protest in NYC. The featured sign said something to the effect that Bush was more evil than bin Laden. And that's the problem with the whole "peace movement." If you want to be taken seriously, you have to move away from silly stuff like that. OK, I didn't vote for Bush (4 times, if you count the father and I actually had some modicum of respect for him), but I don't think he's sitting in the White House, twirling his black mustache and practicing his villainous laugh. He has made decisions I disagree with - period. What is gained by such exaggeration? Truthfully, it diminishes your argument against the guy. Whatever.

Other than that, my life had personified mundane. Spent Saturday pulling weeds - talk about an exercise in futility. I mean really, why bother? It took me all day to generate 3 bags of garbage and I didn't even finish all of the planting areas. By the time I get to the rest, the stuff I did this weekend will be disastrous again. I hate jobs that don't have a "done" to them. Did manage to exercise as well, which lead to being very tired on Sunday, when I had to take the younger rugrat to a birthday party. It was a swimming party - and trust me, this body is not ready for bathing suits. I was thrilled when I realized I wouldn't have to squeeze myself into a suit and settled down to watch her play with her friends. Then she decided the slide would be fun. Couple of problems: 1. I'm at the opposite end of the swimming pool from the slide; 2. The water in the slide area is 3.5 feet deep (about the same as the rugrat's height); and 3. She can't swim. So I go charging over to pull her from the slide pool, praying like crazy I don't have to jump in with my jeans (life guards, you say? yeah, right). Thankfully, there's a jet of water that pushes her to the side, and I reach over to pull her to safety. End of problem, right? No, she goes down the slide several more times. Yeah, I'm a good mom.

Two to Tango?

First off, thanks Jynx. I wanted to post something but haven't had time lately. This is fun and pretty easy.

Two Names You Go By:
1. Paula
2. Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Khaki slacks
2. Light aqua golf shirt

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Love
2. Respect

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. Sleep
2. To lose weight

Two Pets You Have/ Had:
1. Samantha (also known as "that damn cat")
2. Shayler (beautiful, black German shepherd from childhood)

Two Favorite Sports:
1. Biking
2. Swimming

Two Things You Did Last Night:
1. Lifted weights and exercised
2. Watched Chicken Run with my older girl (she was sick)

Two Favorite Places to Eat:
1. Blue Moon Café
2. Beni hana's

Two People That Live in Your House:
1. Katie
2. Sarah

Two Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My intelligence
2. My perserverence

Two Things You Ate Today:
1. Pretzels
2. Some kind of Pizza sandwich

Two People You Last Talked To:
1. Sales rep
2. Boss

Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow:
1. Going to the theater
2. That work thing

Two Things That Make You Laugh:
1. Katie's questions
2. The first season of the new Dr. Who

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. 4th of July

Two Last Films You've Seen:
1. Chicken Run
2. Ella Enchanted (I told you, my kid was sick)

Changes

Just a side question before I start: why am I so much more articulate and passionate when I'm driving in the car than when I sit down at the computer. This morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to say as I was driving into work. Now, well, it all sounds rather trite. Oh well, here goes anyway:

I want to be so much better than I am. I feel so out of control in my life. And the sad thing is, for the most part, I know what to do to BE better ... and I still make the wrong choices. I want to lose weight, but given the choice between a carrot stick and a chocolate bon-bon? Well, let's just say the rabbits will never go hungry. I want to be in better shape, but exercise? That's too much like work. It just seems like I invariably make the wrong decision. And yes, I know it is MY choice. That's what makes it worse. It's like I'm not serious about changing things. What's even scarier is the situation at work - I want to do better, but honestly? I don't know how. I don't know what to do to make myself a better employee (working on actual work rather than this blog might be a good start, but I digress). And this scares me.

I was talking to someone the other week about what motivates them to make the choices they make. I wasn't sure what motivated me. Today, I think I realized what it is. It's the fear of losing something important to me (trust me, this'll all circle around to a point ... I hope). You see, I lost a lot of folks important to my life at a very young age. And I never want that to happen again. That's why I'm desperate to keep a job that I dread going to - it gives me the resources to do other things that are important (schooling for the kids being a big one). I'm scared to death of disrupting their lives - that's why I don't want things to change. So I stay hear, fearful that one day they (the powers that be at work, or whatever) will discover that I don't know what else to do, that I've outlived my usefulness, and dump my arse out on the street. Then what happens?

Anyway, that's my puddle of goo state of mind today. Great way to start a Monday.

Lovable Losers

You may or may not know that I am a huge sports fans. Wait, check that. I'm actually a huge fan of Pittsburgh sports teams. Which has basically meant that I live for football season and suffer through hockey and baseball. Of the two suffering sports, baseball is the one I feel most passionately about. Trust me, it's not easy rooting for a team that hasn't seen a winning season in 13 years. But I grew up with them. I used to argue with my Grandma about Willie Stargell (she hated him, I loved him). I would sit by the radio listening to Lanny Frattare and score the games. I was hooked big time. I knew the stats and followed the trades - nobody could have been happier when we scored Bill Madlock. But now ... well, it's hard. Every year you think this is the year that that well stocked minor league system pays off. And every year, last year's phenom gets shelled (case in point ... Oliver Perez ... and Zack Duke ... and probably Paul Maholm unless he starts pitching better). Suffice to say, it's hard. I've taken to looking at the rankings as a two team race between the Pirates and the team immediately ahead of them, creating a pseudo-pennant race in my head - and they STILL don't really compete. So what's a girl to do? Skip over to the Yankees like some fair weather Johnny Damon? No way. Someday ... (probably not, but you gotta keep dreamin', right?)

Moving On

I've been doing a bit more reading lately and discovered something: I like reading more than I like writing. I also have realized that while it's fun writing the intial story, the editing and stuff? Not so much fun. It's then when I realize that I'm not a particularly good writer. I mean, I'm ok, but given the amount of time I've spent trying to edit the one thing I did finish ... it's really not worth it. It's not really all that much fun, and all it really does is point out something I thought was pretty good when I first wrote it isn't all that great.

So what does this all mean? I think I'm going to forget about the first book. I don't think it's worth the hassle of trying to salvage it. The storyline is ok, but it's structured all wrong. It needs to start out more exciting. I'm thinking about going back to the original first book I was working on and see what I can do with that, but ultimately, this will just be for me. My job is my job. This isn't my job and never will be and that's ok. I will do it when it's fun and go on to something else when its not fun. It's going back to what it always should have been - a fun hobby. Maybe this sounds strange to some of you, but I did harbor this feeling that I could quit work and live off of writing, but I really don't think I want to do that. Besides the statistical improbability of being able to do that, writing should be fun. I've been avoiding working on writing for fear I needed to finish what I've already started. Why? I have enough things in my life that I have to do, why make my hobbies un-fun?

Jealous Much?

OK, about a week in and my willpower sucks. So much for starting again again. Looks like I'm back to again again again.

Anyway, this week the kids are on Spring Break. Hubby has taken off the week because he has a boatload of vacation and he starts losing it if he doesn't use it. It's great and he's great with the kids, but I can't help but feel a little jealous. They went hiking on Monday, to an IMAX movie and the science center on Tuesday, toured the state capital on Wednesday (got in the Lt. Gov's office and everything), and are going down to DC today for cherry blossom festival time. Me? I'm sitting behind a computer working on spreadsheets. Again. Some more. Sometimes life isn't fair, ya know?