Forgiveness

As a Christian, I'm told that I should forgive. Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us, right? But what is forgiveness? Is it merely the absence of malice towards a person? I don't think so. I can honestly sit here and say that right now, there is no one that I hate. Now this doesn't mean I like everyone, but hate is such a strong word ... I reallyd don't think it applies. Does this mean I've forgiven everyone I should forgive? Unfortunately, no. Hate has nothing to do with it. I still hold grudges about particular slights that prevent me from opening my heart up to some people and truly forgiving. I don't want to admit this, but it is true. You've heard it said, hate the sin, not the sinner, but I'm beginning to think that to truly forgive, you must accept the sin, not hate it. Perhaps I should elucidate a bit more. I can say that I don't hate a person who has done something that in my mind has wronged me. I can say I hate what they did. But if I can't let go of that hate, I don't know that I can say I've truly forgiven them. What happens is that I bury the wrong, suppress it rather than forgive it so that the "relationship" can go on. But what really happens is in suppressing it I hold onto it, almost treasure it. Then if the person "wrongs" me again, up it pops, fresh as the day it hurt me the first time, making this new "wrong" even worse. Eventually, I cut myself off from the person, not willing to be "hurt" again. How is that forgiveness? It's not.

So anyway, I'm not going to list specifics, but there are a couple of folks I need to truly forgive. I need to pray for help to forgive them because while the surface hurt is gone, I can feel myself nursing it like a knife wound, not letting it heal completely. I need to forgive a coworker in another division (I need to pray earnestly for understanding), a friend who no longer talks to me (it hurts, I need to be able to honestly pray for her success even though I am no longer a part of her life), a pseudo-friend who only talked to me when they needed something (I need to forgive and move on, and pray for her well-being), and some family members (I need to forgive insults and pray for guidance in how to deal with them). Please help me be a truly forgiving person, not just someone who suppresses the anger.