So ... Now What?

Not sure why or what I'm going to type here, which means I should probably step away from the keyboard. Now. But a lot of emotions and feelings seem to be swirling around in me, and since why should I be the only one bothered with this stuff, here's my ramble...

Physically, I ache all over from doing a bit too much cleaning and gardening. The question I have is why am I spending so much time on stuff that is transient in nature? Who give a flying fig if there are weeds everywhere? And no matter how well I do these things, they will always need done again. Why do I spend my time on this stuff? Isn't there something more important I should be doing? Or is my life destined for total meaninglessness? How do I make a difference? Is it already too late? I've come to the conclusion that I'm not good at finishing things. Quite honestly, finishing things bores me. It's always kind of been like that. I don't know whether it is fear or what, but when things settle into routine, I tend to bail. In my job, I only like doing stuff when it's new. Once I've done it a time or two, I'm bored. That's not a very mature attitude. I think it'll also stop me from every doing anything of long term value.

But why do I care? The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation, right? Why should I be any different? I've been told all my life that I'm "special" - except, of course, by my family, but that's a whole other rant. When I became a Christian, I was told that the whole floor of my dorm was praying for me, thinking if I could put my energy to use for the Lord, wow, what a force I could be. But then I became a Christian and promptly did nothing great. I got a job and was told how quickly I picked up on stuff, how creative my mind was. Got a bunch a great reviews to back it up. Now here I sit, almost 20 years later, fearing for my job and waiting for weekends, not wanting to be promoted again. I was told I had some ability to write, so I finally tried to write. Got a first draft finished and everything. And now I lack the ability/drive/motivation to edit the darn thing and see if I actually do have any ability. (Part of that one has to do with being dropped by some folks I considered friends, but that's another moan ... Let's face it, I'm ultimately responsible for me and what I do. Not them, me. So I'm the one who chose not to go further, but ...why?)

Is my life destined to be one unfinished project after another? Will I spend my time chasing transient goals because it's somehow easier than doing something meaningful? Will I ever feel successful in any aspect of my life? Don't get me wrong, I know I've had more success than many (as the world defines it), but it also seems so transient, so ... empty. Will I personally ever feel successful. Nevermind. Delete and rewind. Dwelling on this shit does nothing of value. So why do these thoughts keep invading my conscious mind?