On Death and Dying

The doctors told my mother-in-law today that my father-in-law has only a couple of weeks to live. He's still pretty much in denial, still wanting to go car shopping or whatever. I hear his actions and shake my head, thinking why would you want to spend your last days like that. It's easy to be superior when it's not you in the situation. I look in the mirror, frown at a few more wrinkles, worry about the hair I find in the sink and my ever-expanding waistlline, but turn away and figure I have years before I have to think about dying. I don't feel any different than I did when I was twenty, so I can't be that old, right? But ...

But what if you did know you had only two weeks to live? Would you spend those two weeks in denial? Would you rail against the unfairness of it all? What difference would your faith make? It's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do when you really don't have to face the situation, but I'm guessing it's quite a different matter when it actually is you. My mother-in-law has a great attitude, particularly when you consider that she and my father-in-law probably should have divorced years ago. She says she just wants to enjoy him while he's here. Hubby snidely suggested she might mean tolerate, but she corrected him and said, no, enjoy was the word she meant. It's kind of interesting and nice to know that she still remembers that at one time she loved him enough to marry him. I hope I'm that way if need be some day (I hope even more that I don't have to be, but that's another rant).

Oh, and for the record, while I really don't have to think about it seriously, if I ever get to the point that I definitely only have a couple of weeks left? I'm going to go to Santorini, Greece, and sit on the beach.

Owning Up to Your Feelings

I was raised in a family where ugly emotions were ignored. Oh, there was the regular shouting, but that wasn't because anyone was angry - they were just trying to get your attention. Riiiiight. No one was allowed to be sad or angry or jealous or selfish (except when they were, and then the rest of the family was supposed to make up excuses for why a particular person behaved the way they did). I've carried that notion thoughout my life, which made it really hard to determine if my reactions were normal or overreactions to situations. I would sit and analyze the situation until I could warp it around so that it really wasn't the way I thought it was.

So anyway, as an adult, I have trouble dealing with negative emotions in myself. I'm sure that I'm overreacting. And heaven forbid I should ever admit to one of the negative emotions. Like right now, I'm jealous and feeling disrespected. Mainly because I wasn't invited to a meeting at work. The real crazy thing is that I really don't want to go to the meeting, yet I feel envious of those who are in the meeting. They are the "important" people. And what am I? Chopped liver? How cracked do you have to be to think like this? I mean, there are people in positions that I have zero respect for, but I'm still jealous of them. All because of my own blooming insecurity, that I'm not good enough and this proves it. I can logically look at the situation and say I'm cracked, but yet I still feel dissed. Strange, no?

Last Things

And another week goes by. Not doing as great as I would like to on the New Year's Resolutions thing, but probably doing how I expected. It's funny but a lot of my goals are really based on the fact that I figure I got years left. I mean, really, if you knew you were going to die in a couple of weeks, would you really deny yourself chocolate? Would you waste your time exercising in a smelly basement? What would you do?

Seems a strange question, but I've been thinking about it a lot more lately. My parents/in-laws generation is starting to creep into the not-to-many-years-left zone and starting to decline in health. Two things in particular brought the subject up. The first is my father-in-law, who is dying and knows that he's dying. Given that, you'd think he'd spend his last couple of weeks enjoying life, right? Nope, he's spending it bitching about cars and trying to negotiate with a car dealer for a boat his wife will never be able to drive. Now maybe that's fun for him, but I just can't imagine spending my last days dealing with a used car salesman. The other is my aunt, who has been in the hospital for the last couple of months. She hasn't been able to eat (or hasn't wanted to eat) anything. I can't imagine that. Apparently, it happens a lot as you get older. Kind of makes you rethink the dieting thing, huh? I mean if you eventually don't enjoy eating (hard for me to imagine), you might as well eat what you can when you can. Doubt I'll go that route, but it is tempting.

In Praise of Micromovements

Well, I actually managed to accomplish my three task for yesterday and feel pretty good about myself. It's funny, I'm the queen of list making - I usually have a list about six pages long of things I should be doing. Which usually means I don't do anything because I'm overwhelmed by the list. It's kind of like Rimmer on Red Dwarf who spent so much time planning his study time that he never actually got around to studying. That's what's so great about micromovements. Anybody can find 5 minutes in their schedule. You can actually accomplish something and mark it off the list. It's amazing how good it feels to say you did what you said you were going to do. So, today's list? I'm going for another page of editing, another counter in the bathroom, and getting out paper and pencils to draw if I so choose. Baby steps, right?

Succulence

OK, so I'm reading this book "The Bodacious Book of Succulence - Daring to Live Your Succulent Wild Life" and it asked what samll thing are you willing to do that will help your life be more succulent? First question, again, is what is succulent (just call me dictionary girl)? Well, I had to combine a couple of definitions, but essentially, we're talking full of juice, highly interesting or enjoyable. Heh. How often do I think of my life as something that can be succulent? I guess it should be, but it seems like there are a bunch of shoulda's or gotta's that get in the way. Anyway, the author's point in this section is that you can make very small changes that can greatly increase your appreciation of life. She talks late about micromovements, saying that the reason we often fail is that we make our goals too large. Interesting stuff.

Anyway, so what are my planned small things? Hmmm, let's see ... I think I'm going to clean one of the counters in the bathroom tonight (not the whole thing, just one counter). I also am going to edit just one page of my book today at lunch. No more than one. Oh, and I'm going to read a chapter of a just-for-fun book while sitting in my favorite chair cuddled in a blankie. How's that sound?

On Being Glad

Was reading a book at lunchtime that asked me to list the things that make me glad. The first thing I had to do was look up the word "glad" in the dictionary. Hey, I didn't want to put down something that made me happy but not glad. I had to have the definition RIGHT. Anyway, the definition was as follows: "feeling joy or pleasure; delighted; pleased" OK, so it's pretty close to happy, but not EXACTLY the same (humor me). Anyways, here's my list in no particular order. I challenge anyone reading this to come up with their own list.

Red licorice and Swedish fish

Hiking on Hadrian's Wall (or any place else, really)

A Clean house (shut up, this is my list)

Gardening when there are no time pressures

Swinging my younger daughter upside down

Reading with either of my daughters, but particularly the older one because she doesn't really need me to read with her but likes me to anyway

Swimming or biking with my husband (particularly finishing a long ride)

Reading a good book, especially if it involves a rainy day, a fireplace and a blanket

Toasted marshmellows

And I have to admit a song from my college days came back to me as well. The phrase in particular? "Be ye glad, oh be ye glad, every sin that you ever had has been paid up in full by the grace of the Lord, be ye glad, be ye glad, be ye glad."

Creativity

Do I lead what might possibly be the most boring life? Not that I mind. I'm actually kind of partial to boring. Anyway, trying to figure out what I'm going to do that is creative this year. Part of me figures I should start writing again. Then again, another part of me figures I should edit the book I've already written and see if I can make anything of it. Of course, being a first novel it probably sucks, but hey, I read lots of stuff that sucks. That doesn't seem to stop anyone else. I've also toyed with drawing. Not that I have any talent for it, but I figure it takes less time than writing and I have no where to go but up. While being a competent but not great writer can only lead to frustration, going into something where I know that I don't have talent can only lead to improvement, from truly dreadful to sometimes, if I look at it, it can be not bad. OK, is this some of the most bizarre logic you've ever heard or what?

As for other goals, I didn't exercise last night. I did read. Learned that Salmon Chase was an egotistical jerk, and that basically Lincoln outmanuevered his rivals by being a better politician than they were. His rallying cry? I'm number 2. Hey, it worked. Kind of. If you don't count that assassination thing, that is.

So....How's It Going?

New year - day 2. One other thing I forgot to mention is that I'm actually going to try and keep this thing updated. No really. Honest. I mean it. I think.

Anyway, yesterday had the typical, New Year's clean-up. Washed the basement carpet, cleaned out the cars, cleaned one of the bathrooms. Yes, I really know how to have fun. Anyway, so far, so good in that at least yesterday I didn't eat everything that wasn't tied down and got in some exercise. I'm also going to try that learn one thing a day thing. Yesterday I learned that Lincoln asked his three closest rivals for the Presidency to become members of his cabinet. I'm reading through (or trying to) Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals" - that should help on the one-new-thing-a-day goal for awhile. I envy that woman. She's just so intelligent and such a good researcher and has an ideal job of researching the hell out of interesting subjects. Can I be her when I grow up? Oh, you mean I'm already fully growed? *sigh*

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot ...

As we approach the end of another year, I realize that I really can't think of a lot of accomplishments for the past year. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. You see, the older I get, the more I realize that I actually have it pretty good, so no real change isn't that bad. I do have to confess to being lax on definitive plans for the past year and unfortunately, my accomplishments show it. I tend to go for the nice and vague goals like "be nicer" or "be more patient." They sound good, but they are much harder to measure so they are much harder to grade as failures. I think I am learning to be a bit more patient, but I'm not sure if that's as accountable to laziness as much as anything else. Again, not that that's a bad thing.

Anyway, as I sit on the cusp of a new year, I really feel like I should give it the old college try (which is kind of amusing, given that the old college try for me was to rack up as many points in the beginning of the class so I didn't have to go later in the semester ... see, lazy). So ... what are the goals for the new year? Oh, I suppose I should start with the typical lose weight - at least that one's measureable (not that I'm going to list the goal in front of G-d and everybody because G-d? He already knows. As for the rest of you ...). I'm going to go for the reading thing again - 20 minutes a day tends to be a good goal for me (may not seem like much, but if it works for kids, it should work for me too, right?). I should go for less lazy at work (and heck, while I'm at it, at home), but I'd like to stick to attainable goals and as for lazy? See the comments above. So what else? I think I'm going to give myself a goal of doing one creative thing this year. Don't know what that will be, but I want to have a place keeper if nothing else. There are the old standbys of being a better, more patient, blah, blah, blah, but again, attainable, so no need to spell them out, right? *ahem* Anyway, I think I should go for something spiritual, but I want it to be something with teeth, so I need to think about it. I guess that's it for now. Happy New Year, everybody. I'm going to bed now.

While Procrastinating Cleaning ...

Figured since it's almost the end of November, I should provide some kind of update. Profound thoughts twice a month, whether I have them or not, that's my motto. Anyway, since I'm looking for a reason to NOT clean the bathrooms and I tend to have my most "profound" thoughts when I'm cleaning (not much else to think about), I figured I'd use this as an opportunity to procrastinate.

It's interesting what we want for our children. First and foremost, we want them to be superhuman. If that's not in the cards, then we want them to be blissfully normal - or at least more normal than we are. Then we figure, if our lives aren't too bad, that we'd be satisfied if they did pretty much the same as we did, without all the emotional baggage and crap. Genetics being what they are, and people not really changing, that's not realistic, but it doesn't stop us from hoping they don't have to go through the same crap that we did. Of course, they will. And of course, all we can do is sit back and watch them make their mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces. But why can't they be like the perfected versions of us? Why does version 2.0 have to go through the same emotional BS that we went through? Why can't we protect them from that or at least teach them that it is BS and shouldn't bother them? Maybe because they aren't robots? Oh, they won't make all the same mistakes we do - they have plenty of their own to make. But they will have bad times as well as good, no matter how hard we try to make it all good.

It's tough being a parent. We want to give our kids what they need, not just what they want, but it's sometimes so hard to tell the difference.

Rush is an Idiot

OK, you can probably guess that knowing my political leanings, I'm pretty satisfied with the election last night. I do hope that this will mean more thoughtful discussion and compromise (although I suspect it'll mean gridlock and finger-pointing). Anyway, because I'm sometimes mean, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh this morning to hear how he was going to spin the election. I love hearing spinmeisters at work. At any rate, I caught him reviewing Santorum's race in my home state. Here's his analysis: PA is full of old people who don't care about the future. They just care that money that should be going to them is going over to Iraq, that's why they are against the war. Santorum's ideas were too revolutionary for them.

Um... no. Just no. I almost truly hope he thinks that because it means the Republicans really don't have a clue. Look, PA has best been described as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, with Alabama in between. Typically Philly goes strong Democrat, and the center of the state offsets it by going strong Republican. Pittsburgh was and always has been what swings the state. Yeah, it's union, but it's full of Reagan Democrats. I grew up there, I know. Anyways, you wanna know the real reason people in Pittsburgh voted against Santorum? The schmuck was living in Virginia and charging the local government for schooling his kids. That's it. He was ripping off the local school board and folks didn't like it. You think I'm joking? You should have listened to the radio stations in Pittsburgh. He acted like a schmuck and he got caught. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, when you think you're perfect, it's hard to see that it might have been something you've done. Let's see if the Republicans learn a lesson.

Attica! Attica!

Ok, so on Monday this week, we get an e-mail from our younger daughter's teacher. Seems that she was asked to sit out of Suzuki lessons because she was being "disruptive." She also was not listening to her teacher very well in regular classes. Needless to say, this didn't go over very well with Gene and I. We kind of pride ourselves in at least attempting to civilize our kids. So Katie did not have a pleasant evening on Monday, spending most of it in her room. I talked to her about how important it was to behave and listen, blah, blah, blah. Then I threatened not to take her to grandma's house that week (horrors! no spoiling!). So on Tuesday, we get a note saying she had a much better day. Problem solved, right? Not exactly. Today, we get a note telling us she had another good day. Um, over report much? I'm wondering if I should invest in orange jumpsuits and teach her how to whittle soap into the shape of a gun. Sheesh.

Bitchy Moods

What do you do when you're in a bitchy mood and you know that you're probably not being reasonable but seem to have no control over your reactions? Yeah, I'm in one of THOSE moods today, where all I want is for people to leave me the hell alone. You might wonder how it differs from any other day (smart ass), but believe it or not, I'm usually pretty nice to people. Except for today. And maybe yesterday. OK, maybe I had a few moments the day before that too, but that's it. Honest.

But now, every time someone asks me to do something, it feels like a major imposition, like why the hell can't you do it yourself? Why do I need to get involved? Like I said, major leave-me-alone mood. Of course, it's days like this when I realize I really gotta find a way to win the lottery.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, freakin' Buy.com STILL hasn't shipped my Supernatural DVDs. Oh, they charged me for them on October 9th, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since. Not buying from them again.

On Being a Utility Infielder

Been thinking some more about the job thing. The only thing that really stinks in how firmly I'm entrenched as a utility infielder. I can do a number of things well - and (at the risk of being immodest), generally do. But there's no one thing that I can say I do better than anyone else. I used to be top of the line accounting type, but it's been so long since I've done that, I don't think anyone sees me in that vein anymore. I do all right in a number of other positions I've filled since then. In fact, I tend to shuffle from job to job, filling in where they need a warm body. If things go particularly well, I'm bound to be shuffled somewhere else so they can get an "expert" in the position. Just like in baseball, every team wants a utility infielder, is glad to have them, but no one is interested in paying big bucks or (G-d forbid) respect to the position. On the bright side, I'm probably about as secure as you can get - moderately competent and cheap. On the downside? Well, let's just say no kid grows up wanting to be Jose Hernandez (betcha don't even know who he is, right?).

Jobs and Hobbies

Well, looks like I probably won't be getting the job I mentioned below. Strangely enough, I can't say I'm upset about it. More to the point, I think I'm relieved. I guess I dislike change more than I realize. Now my only fear is that the guy they want to give the job to turns it down because if that happens? Turmoil city again.

This weekend we had three soccer games. Despite what my younger daughter believes, the girls were on the winning side for all three games. It's really interesting to watch their approach to the games. My older girl plays soccer more for the social aspects. She was on the sidelines goofing with her friends when the game ended. I didn't see, but based on what I heard, I wouldn't be surprised if she was surprised to find out they won the game. She tends to kind of sit back even when she's in the game, taking the ball only when there is absolutely no one else on her team around in a panicked sort of way, looking to kick it away as soon as possible. But she says she likes soccer, so go figure.

The younger girl is actually pretty good. If she would work on her kick, she could be really good. She's much more aggressive and not afraid to get in anyone's face (should I be proud or concerned). Defense is her forte. It's kind of interesting, there's another girl on the team that complements her very well (an offense powerhouse - well, as least as much as you get with a 5 yr old). They played together on the same line only once - they actually started plotting about getting the ball to each other. They were so dominant that the coach won't put them on the same line again (it's really kind of sweet - she also helps coach the other team when they are on her side of the field and the girls can't hear their coach. She just doesn't want to embarrass the other team.) When my daughter's off the field, she follows the game closely, cheering on her teammates. This is the same girl who can't be bothered to remember a thing you tell her five seconds after you tell her. Here's hoping she sticks with the soccer so I'll have something to motivate (threaten?) her later on in re to her schoolwork.

Should I Be Concerned?

This weekend, we took the kids to the Apple Harvest festival. Ideally, we were going to pick apples ourselves. The whipping wind and 40 to 50 degree temperatures dictated otherwise - particularly given that our girls were wearing short sleeve shirts and didn't have jackets (so sue me, I'm a bad mom). Instead we got the stuff-it-to-the-brim $15 bag of apples, where you get as many apples as you can fit into your bag for $15. Which basically means we should be running out of apples sometime next May. And hopefully, hubby's back will recover by then too (just kidding on that part - though the sucker were heavy). We were actually kind of calm in our apple grab compared to some of the others - If it takes two people to carry your apples, one on each handle of the bag because 1) it's too heavy and 2) you can't close the bag, perhaps you've overdone it just a tad.

Anyway, Sunday was grocery shopping and the should I be concerned part of the weekend. A local radio station was supporting some sort of literacy thing at the store and were giving away CDs. We won one, and given that I know little to nothing about popular music, I let my 5 year old pick out the CD. The choices were Nick Lachey, Nickelback (I think), and the American Idol guy with grey hair. Of course, our daughter picked out the American Idol guy, which was slightly embarrassing, but the real kicker? She picked it out because she thought he looked like Dr. Who. *ahem* I think I may have done her irreparable geek harm.

Dialing the Prayer line - Press 1 to sacrifice a goat ...

At work, we used to have a job opportunity line that was not-so-affectionately known as the Prayer Line. It was a bit like playing the old game press-your-luck because you were just as likely to hit a whammy (sucky job) as you were to get something good. Most of the really good jobs were already decided before they even went out on the prayer line. Anyway, this being a new century, we've replaced it with an online version. Given how quickly some jobs disappear, I suspect that the old rules have just been automated, but anyway, I decided to try for one of the positions. It's not that I think I would love the job, it's just that it meets my two major criteria - more money, less stress.

Of course, the last time I tried something like this, I ended up with the worst job of my life. It was the kind of job where by 10:00 in the morning I was done with everything I had to do that day. Sure, the money was good, but I ended up actually begging to get back to my old job. Ultimately, you could say things worked out (I got out after 3 months and still got to keep the money), but it was kind of miserable for me. So needless to say, I'm a bit hesitant. Oh well, there's no saying I'll get the interview anyway. And even if I do, it doesn't mean they offer the job. And even if they do, I don't have to accept, right? Right? Oy, I think I'm approaching this with the wrong attitude.

Down, Doobie do, Down, Down

Haven't posted much recently, mainly because I've been fighting myself. Been kind of depressed lately, and I try not to do anything when I'm depressed. Why share the "joy"? No real reason for being down, just kind of tired and feeling blah. Read a friend's blog about her job and how she really wanted to start doing something else for a living. That's great, but there really isn't anything else I want to do for a living. I can't think of one job that I would want to do for the rest of my life (or even the next 10 years) - let alone one that could allow me to afford the glamorous lifestyle to which I've become accustomed (that's a joke, folks). But seriously, even taking out the money angle, I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be good at whatever I do, but that seems less and less likely. I mean, I'm more of an adequate kind of person. There's nothing I can think of that I do particularly well. A bunch of stuff that I'm ok at, but nothing that I excel at. So, whatterya gonna do? Anyone? *shrug* I can't even think of something I would be good at if I devoted myself to it. Eh, I just need to get things organized a bit more and I'll snap out this. I always do. It just takes a little time.

I'm still here

Figure I should update this somewhat. Let's see ... I'm sick. Again. Some kind of cold thing. Grumble, grumble. School has started. So far, so good, though I'm sick of take-home projects already. What ever happened to normal homework like math or reading? Not much of a touchy-feely kind of person so the "me-bag" and "me-collage" didn't go over too big with me. Um, the kids have known each other for the past couple of years. I somehow doubt a me-bag is going to tell them anything new. I know, I know, it's for the teacher to get to know them ... but after a couple of weeks, I'm sure she'll know more than she wants to so what's the point other than to irritate me? *ahem*

Anyway, younger daughter learned to tie her shoes. I'm happy for her, but what do you do when she doesn't tie them tight enough? Let her go and figure it out later as she trips over the laces? I've kind of done the "you tie one, I'll tie the other routine." Don't want to discourage her, but I also don't want her to break her neck.

Had our first soccer game over the weekend. My daughter's team won. She scored her first goal. Be curious to see how her interest in the sport develops (or doesn't as the case may be).

Let's see, anything else? Not really. Just tired of coughing.

Tired

I'm really tired and depressed today and in the mood to have a pity party. I hate when I feel like this, but once I get into this mode, it's really hard to get out of it. I'm tired of the same issues that come up over and over and over again at work. I'm tired of fighting the same battles. I'm tired of not being good at anything. (I am the queen of adequate - just once I'd like to be good. I used to be good at stuff. I'm just not sure what's happened.) I'm tired of being fat (and please, no helpful hints about how to lose weight - 1) I've seen them all before ... 2) I've done them all before .... 3) I've lost about 20 lbs and still have a ton to go) See, I told you this was going to be a pity me thing. Anybody have any chocolate?

And yeah, I'd regret it if you did offer me chocolate. I'm pretty sure this is just a PMS thing, but it isn't very pretty.