While Procrastinating Cleaning ...

Figured since it's almost the end of November, I should provide some kind of update. Profound thoughts twice a month, whether I have them or not, that's my motto. Anyway, since I'm looking for a reason to NOT clean the bathrooms and I tend to have my most "profound" thoughts when I'm cleaning (not much else to think about), I figured I'd use this as an opportunity to procrastinate.

It's interesting what we want for our children. First and foremost, we want them to be superhuman. If that's not in the cards, then we want them to be blissfully normal - or at least more normal than we are. Then we figure, if our lives aren't too bad, that we'd be satisfied if they did pretty much the same as we did, without all the emotional baggage and crap. Genetics being what they are, and people not really changing, that's not realistic, but it doesn't stop us from hoping they don't have to go through the same crap that we did. Of course, they will. And of course, all we can do is sit back and watch them make their mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces. But why can't they be like the perfected versions of us? Why does version 2.0 have to go through the same emotional BS that we went through? Why can't we protect them from that or at least teach them that it is BS and shouldn't bother them? Maybe because they aren't robots? Oh, they won't make all the same mistakes we do - they have plenty of their own to make. But they will have bad times as well as good, no matter how hard we try to make it all good.

It's tough being a parent. We want to give our kids what they need, not just what they want, but it's sometimes so hard to tell the difference.

Rush is an Idiot

OK, you can probably guess that knowing my political leanings, I'm pretty satisfied with the election last night. I do hope that this will mean more thoughtful discussion and compromise (although I suspect it'll mean gridlock and finger-pointing). Anyway, because I'm sometimes mean, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh this morning to hear how he was going to spin the election. I love hearing spinmeisters at work. At any rate, I caught him reviewing Santorum's race in my home state. Here's his analysis: PA is full of old people who don't care about the future. They just care that money that should be going to them is going over to Iraq, that's why they are against the war. Santorum's ideas were too revolutionary for them.

Um... no. Just no. I almost truly hope he thinks that because it means the Republicans really don't have a clue. Look, PA has best been described as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, with Alabama in between. Typically Philly goes strong Democrat, and the center of the state offsets it by going strong Republican. Pittsburgh was and always has been what swings the state. Yeah, it's union, but it's full of Reagan Democrats. I grew up there, I know. Anyways, you wanna know the real reason people in Pittsburgh voted against Santorum? The schmuck was living in Virginia and charging the local government for schooling his kids. That's it. He was ripping off the local school board and folks didn't like it. You think I'm joking? You should have listened to the radio stations in Pittsburgh. He acted like a schmuck and he got caught. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, when you think you're perfect, it's hard to see that it might have been something you've done. Let's see if the Republicans learn a lesson.

Attica! Attica!

Ok, so on Monday this week, we get an e-mail from our younger daughter's teacher. Seems that she was asked to sit out of Suzuki lessons because she was being "disruptive." She also was not listening to her teacher very well in regular classes. Needless to say, this didn't go over very well with Gene and I. We kind of pride ourselves in at least attempting to civilize our kids. So Katie did not have a pleasant evening on Monday, spending most of it in her room. I talked to her about how important it was to behave and listen, blah, blah, blah. Then I threatened not to take her to grandma's house that week (horrors! no spoiling!). So on Tuesday, we get a note saying she had a much better day. Problem solved, right? Not exactly. Today, we get a note telling us she had another good day. Um, over report much? I'm wondering if I should invest in orange jumpsuits and teach her how to whittle soap into the shape of a gun. Sheesh.

Bitchy Moods

What do you do when you're in a bitchy mood and you know that you're probably not being reasonable but seem to have no control over your reactions? Yeah, I'm in one of THOSE moods today, where all I want is for people to leave me the hell alone. You might wonder how it differs from any other day (smart ass), but believe it or not, I'm usually pretty nice to people. Except for today. And maybe yesterday. OK, maybe I had a few moments the day before that too, but that's it. Honest.

But now, every time someone asks me to do something, it feels like a major imposition, like why the hell can't you do it yourself? Why do I need to get involved? Like I said, major leave-me-alone mood. Of course, it's days like this when I realize I really gotta find a way to win the lottery.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, freakin' Buy.com STILL hasn't shipped my Supernatural DVDs. Oh, they charged me for them on October 9th, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since. Not buying from them again.

On Being a Utility Infielder

Been thinking some more about the job thing. The only thing that really stinks in how firmly I'm entrenched as a utility infielder. I can do a number of things well - and (at the risk of being immodest), generally do. But there's no one thing that I can say I do better than anyone else. I used to be top of the line accounting type, but it's been so long since I've done that, I don't think anyone sees me in that vein anymore. I do all right in a number of other positions I've filled since then. In fact, I tend to shuffle from job to job, filling in where they need a warm body. If things go particularly well, I'm bound to be shuffled somewhere else so they can get an "expert" in the position. Just like in baseball, every team wants a utility infielder, is glad to have them, but no one is interested in paying big bucks or (G-d forbid) respect to the position. On the bright side, I'm probably about as secure as you can get - moderately competent and cheap. On the downside? Well, let's just say no kid grows up wanting to be Jose Hernandez (betcha don't even know who he is, right?).

Jobs and Hobbies

Well, looks like I probably won't be getting the job I mentioned below. Strangely enough, I can't say I'm upset about it. More to the point, I think I'm relieved. I guess I dislike change more than I realize. Now my only fear is that the guy they want to give the job to turns it down because if that happens? Turmoil city again.

This weekend we had three soccer games. Despite what my younger daughter believes, the girls were on the winning side for all three games. It's really interesting to watch their approach to the games. My older girl plays soccer more for the social aspects. She was on the sidelines goofing with her friends when the game ended. I didn't see, but based on what I heard, I wouldn't be surprised if she was surprised to find out they won the game. She tends to kind of sit back even when she's in the game, taking the ball only when there is absolutely no one else on her team around in a panicked sort of way, looking to kick it away as soon as possible. But she says she likes soccer, so go figure.

The younger girl is actually pretty good. If she would work on her kick, she could be really good. She's much more aggressive and not afraid to get in anyone's face (should I be proud or concerned). Defense is her forte. It's kind of interesting, there's another girl on the team that complements her very well (an offense powerhouse - well, as least as much as you get with a 5 yr old). They played together on the same line only once - they actually started plotting about getting the ball to each other. They were so dominant that the coach won't put them on the same line again (it's really kind of sweet - she also helps coach the other team when they are on her side of the field and the girls can't hear their coach. She just doesn't want to embarrass the other team.) When my daughter's off the field, she follows the game closely, cheering on her teammates. This is the same girl who can't be bothered to remember a thing you tell her five seconds after you tell her. Here's hoping she sticks with the soccer so I'll have something to motivate (threaten?) her later on in re to her schoolwork.

Should I Be Concerned?

This weekend, we took the kids to the Apple Harvest festival. Ideally, we were going to pick apples ourselves. The whipping wind and 40 to 50 degree temperatures dictated otherwise - particularly given that our girls were wearing short sleeve shirts and didn't have jackets (so sue me, I'm a bad mom). Instead we got the stuff-it-to-the-brim $15 bag of apples, where you get as many apples as you can fit into your bag for $15. Which basically means we should be running out of apples sometime next May. And hopefully, hubby's back will recover by then too (just kidding on that part - though the sucker were heavy). We were actually kind of calm in our apple grab compared to some of the others - If it takes two people to carry your apples, one on each handle of the bag because 1) it's too heavy and 2) you can't close the bag, perhaps you've overdone it just a tad.

Anyway, Sunday was grocery shopping and the should I be concerned part of the weekend. A local radio station was supporting some sort of literacy thing at the store and were giving away CDs. We won one, and given that I know little to nothing about popular music, I let my 5 year old pick out the CD. The choices were Nick Lachey, Nickelback (I think), and the American Idol guy with grey hair. Of course, our daughter picked out the American Idol guy, which was slightly embarrassing, but the real kicker? She picked it out because she thought he looked like Dr. Who. *ahem* I think I may have done her irreparable geek harm.

Dialing the Prayer line - Press 1 to sacrifice a goat ...

At work, we used to have a job opportunity line that was not-so-affectionately known as the Prayer Line. It was a bit like playing the old game press-your-luck because you were just as likely to hit a whammy (sucky job) as you were to get something good. Most of the really good jobs were already decided before they even went out on the prayer line. Anyway, this being a new century, we've replaced it with an online version. Given how quickly some jobs disappear, I suspect that the old rules have just been automated, but anyway, I decided to try for one of the positions. It's not that I think I would love the job, it's just that it meets my two major criteria - more money, less stress.

Of course, the last time I tried something like this, I ended up with the worst job of my life. It was the kind of job where by 10:00 in the morning I was done with everything I had to do that day. Sure, the money was good, but I ended up actually begging to get back to my old job. Ultimately, you could say things worked out (I got out after 3 months and still got to keep the money), but it was kind of miserable for me. So needless to say, I'm a bit hesitant. Oh well, there's no saying I'll get the interview anyway. And even if I do, it doesn't mean they offer the job. And even if they do, I don't have to accept, right? Right? Oy, I think I'm approaching this with the wrong attitude.

Down, Doobie do, Down, Down

Haven't posted much recently, mainly because I've been fighting myself. Been kind of depressed lately, and I try not to do anything when I'm depressed. Why share the "joy"? No real reason for being down, just kind of tired and feeling blah. Read a friend's blog about her job and how she really wanted to start doing something else for a living. That's great, but there really isn't anything else I want to do for a living. I can't think of one job that I would want to do for the rest of my life (or even the next 10 years) - let alone one that could allow me to afford the glamorous lifestyle to which I've become accustomed (that's a joke, folks). But seriously, even taking out the money angle, I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be good at whatever I do, but that seems less and less likely. I mean, I'm more of an adequate kind of person. There's nothing I can think of that I do particularly well. A bunch of stuff that I'm ok at, but nothing that I excel at. So, whatterya gonna do? Anyone? *shrug* I can't even think of something I would be good at if I devoted myself to it. Eh, I just need to get things organized a bit more and I'll snap out this. I always do. It just takes a little time.

I'm still here

Figure I should update this somewhat. Let's see ... I'm sick. Again. Some kind of cold thing. Grumble, grumble. School has started. So far, so good, though I'm sick of take-home projects already. What ever happened to normal homework like math or reading? Not much of a touchy-feely kind of person so the "me-bag" and "me-collage" didn't go over too big with me. Um, the kids have known each other for the past couple of years. I somehow doubt a me-bag is going to tell them anything new. I know, I know, it's for the teacher to get to know them ... but after a couple of weeks, I'm sure she'll know more than she wants to so what's the point other than to irritate me? *ahem*

Anyway, younger daughter learned to tie her shoes. I'm happy for her, but what do you do when she doesn't tie them tight enough? Let her go and figure it out later as she trips over the laces? I've kind of done the "you tie one, I'll tie the other routine." Don't want to discourage her, but I also don't want her to break her neck.

Had our first soccer game over the weekend. My daughter's team won. She scored her first goal. Be curious to see how her interest in the sport develops (or doesn't as the case may be).

Let's see, anything else? Not really. Just tired of coughing.

Tired

I'm really tired and depressed today and in the mood to have a pity party. I hate when I feel like this, but once I get into this mode, it's really hard to get out of it. I'm tired of the same issues that come up over and over and over again at work. I'm tired of fighting the same battles. I'm tired of not being good at anything. (I am the queen of adequate - just once I'd like to be good. I used to be good at stuff. I'm just not sure what's happened.) I'm tired of being fat (and please, no helpful hints about how to lose weight - 1) I've seen them all before ... 2) I've done them all before .... 3) I've lost about 20 lbs and still have a ton to go) See, I told you this was going to be a pity me thing. Anybody have any chocolate?

And yeah, I'd regret it if you did offer me chocolate. I'm pretty sure this is just a PMS thing, but it isn't very pretty.

Rush, Rush, Rush

Why does everything always seem like such a rush? It just seems like I don't think anymore, I just react. Get up, get ready, get the kids ready, rush to work, rush to pick up the kids, quick stop through McD's drive-thru (because we are nothing if not health conscious), rush to soccer practice, hurry home to get the kids a shower and into bed so that I can run downstairs and exercise in time to go to bed myself. Yeah, it's quite an exciting life. Whatever happened to all those hours doing ... nothing. Or reading because it was something to do? Now I have to make an effort to read a book (otherwise my reading drops to what I get done in the bathroom while I blow-dry my hair in the morning). How on earth did I ever use to ride bike for hours and still get to bed by 8pm, if I wanted to? And what happens when this merry-go-round stops? Will I suddenly not know what to do with myself?

Oh, and in case you are interested, Katie had fun at soccer. I don't see a World Cup appearance in her future, and I hope she acts slightly less ADD-like the next time, but at least she had fun.

Soccer Practice

Well, we've started our 4 night a week soccer practice schedule. Feel my joy. Tonight is my younger daughter's first practice, which should be interesting. She's not the most disciplined of children. It's not that she's bad or doesn't listen, it's just that she doesn't look like she's listening. Her coach was her older sister's coach this past spring, so at least the coach is familiar with Katie. In a warped sort of way, I'm really looking forward to this. Her sister is very smart, but not very athletic, which meant that she knew how to position herself, but wasn't really fast enough to make a difference in the game. Katie loves to run. I want to see if she can combine some of her sister's smarts with a bit of her athleticism. The only question is how Katie's smarts manifest themselves. You see, she's not exactly conventional smart. She's the kid who when asked to name something small, answered "Microbe", but doesn't want to take the time to learn to read (her sister was reading chapter books by the time she was Katie's age). It's not that she can't, she's just not patient enough to do it right now. I wonder how all of this will manifest itself in an organized sport.

Oh, and one final thing: I don't know how other parents do it, in terms of having their kids involved in multiple activities. I mean, we're just doing soccer this fall, and I feel like we're barely keeping up. Can't imagine what it'll be like once school starts.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Sorry for the lack of bloggage, it's just that nothing too profound has been going on lately. I know, I know, what's the diff? *ahem* So anyway, I'm suffering through a summer cold. I think I hate colds worse than any other affliction, mainly because they aren't bad enough to make you go to bed, just bad enough that you feel kind of lousy. If you have the flu or something, people can tell you're sick. You go to bed for a couple of days and ta-da, you feel better. A cold is the gift that keeps on giving (and giving and giving). Not only that, but it's gross. You're all mucousy and you can't seem to blow enough of it out so you snort. Yeah, real attractive.

So what else is going on? Not much. School starts in a couple of weeks. Yay. I really love the commercials Staples used to have where the parents are dancing around the store to "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Though I have to admit, kinda makes you wonder why you have kids in the first place if you're anxious to get rid of them. I don't think it's really that you want rid of them. I think it's more that you want to get back on a schedule of some sort. School is great for that. Afterschool activities, not so much. Both girls are doing soccer this year. Which means rather than losing 2 nights a week to practice, we lose 4 nights. That's right, instead of both girls having practice on the same night which would have been difficult logistically, but better for sheduling, they have them on off nights. Which means until soccer season is over, we have Mon-Thurs practices and Saturday games. Oi. When's Christmas?

I am a Horrible Mother

Weekend was ...um... interesting. It all started on Friday, although I guess I should say it started on Thursday. On Thursday, I was lifting weights in the basement (yeah, I still haven't quite given up on trying to get into shape). I was doing a military press (note to self, you are not in the military), and the last set was really, really hard. I didn't think much of it, went on to do other lifts and finish my routine. Went to bed and everything was fine. Got up the next morning, everything was fine. Got ready for work, got the kids ready - again, everything is fine. Walked down the steps and ... not so fine. My back felt like a giant had tried to twist me in two. I manage to hobble to the car and get into work. No problem because I can sit most of the day, right? Wrong. About 3pm I can no longer sit, so I drive home and lay down for the rest of the day/night. Believe it or not, this isn't the bad mom part. My younger daughter has a play date on Sunday, so on Saturday, I spend the day alternating between cleaning the house and lying on my back (still not to the bad mom part).

Sunday morning, hubby leaves with the older girl. I go over to get my younger daughter. "I'm sick," she moans. Of course, I'm not convinced. Afterall, she is often "sick" first thing in the morning, so I cajole her into getting up and getting moving. This takes about 2 hours. She's still whining that she's sick. I'm convinced that she just needs to eat something, so I load her in the car and take her to Bob Evans (for some sick reason, my kids love Bob Evans - if that doesn't get them going, nothing will). We get there, she's lying on the table. Literally. I'm kind of ignoring her. Her milk comes. I convince her to drink some. She does and then ... well, let's just say she wasn't kidding about being sick. Milk (or some remnant of it) is everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess with my whopping two napkins. The waitress comes over and runs to get a bucket. My girl is still yarking. When the waitress finally comes back, I've managed to pretty much clean up my daughter (note I am not saying ANYTHING about the restaurant). I offer to take the food as take-out and pay for it. Strangely enough, they were just anxious for us to leave. Needless to say, playdate is cancelled.

And if that doesn't make me a bad mom, how about the fact that I really wasn't that disappointed?

What Is The Measure of Your Success?

Jynx asked some questions on a posting board I frequent which unexpectedly made me uncomfortable. I mean, they weren't overly personal or inappropriate, it's just that they made me uncomfortable, which made me wonder why. You see the questions were all about success and accomplishments - no big deal, right? But then I started to look at my life and ... well, it kind of felt like I didn't have much to show for it. And there's the rub. I'm not unhappy. I like my life. I'd like to be less dependent on my job for cash, but wouldn't we all like to win the lottery? I'm reasonable successful career-wise, I love my hubby and kids, the kids are doing well in school, etc. etc. So why do "success" questions make me uncomfortable? I guess it's kind of a mid-life crisis thing. It doesn't seem like I've DONE anything with my life. I mean sure, I'm comfortable and mostly happy, but I just haven't done anything to make a mark. I don't know what would enable me to feel like I've done something - maybe finish that ever-elusive book, who knows - but it feels like everything in my life is fairly transitory, that I should have spent my time more wisely. I guess it's kind of cracked, but there you are. G-d, this sounds like I'm miserable. I'm really not. It's just that ever-elusive not having "done" anything with my life. I guess most people don't really do anything with their lives, but shouldn't I have tried to do something???

Feeling Kinda Dumpy

Blech. I've been doing the diet thing again. Again. Some more. Anyway, got frustrated when it seemed like I wasn't making any progress and had coffee cake this morning. Yeah, that'll help.

I've been in lurch mode lately and can't seem to shake it. It's when you realize you aren't keeping up with something, say the gardening, so you lurch over to do something about that, spend all your time there and then realize something else is suffering because of it, say cleaning. So then of course, you lurch over there to take care of that and something else suffers. Lather, rinse and repeat. Not a great way to run your life, but it's about as close as I can get to balance lately. I think the whole not being independently wealthy thing has something to do with this. This morning I actually considered a lottery ticket buying strategy as a viable solution. Yeah, I'm nuts.

I think some of it is the fact that I never really did get into a career because I liked the job or the industry or whatever. I got into it to make enough money to do what I want to do. Remember that old expression be careful what you wish for? I think I pretty much got what I wanted and now I feel a bit ... oh, I don't know... trapped? I mean, it's not bad. It's just that I spend a heck of a lot of time doing stuff I couldn't care less about. But to stop and start over? That involves sacrifice - not too big on the giving up of human comforts. Yes, I'm shallow. Anybody have any lottery numbers they recommend?

On Getting Older

I think I finally understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. Ever since I passed 40 and realized that there just might be as much life behind me as there is ahead of me, I've been thinking about getting older. Up until then, it was kind of no big deal. In fact, I would have said I enjoyed getting older, for the most part, because a lot of the hassles of being younger kind of drop away. I'm more financially secure and hopefully more emotionally secure. Then 40 hits. BAM. The body parts start really discovering gravity. BAM. Little niggling injuries start showing up (sore foot, sore back kinds of things, nothing too major .... then ....). BAM. You start hearing from your doctor about getting a yearly physical. That you need to start taking daily medications because your body is starting to decide that a diet of chips and pastries maybe isn't the best choice. BAM. Weight loss becomes a lot harder. Where you used to be able to lose 3-5 lbs a week just by cutting back some now you starve for a month for a lousy pound. So just concentrate on the positive, you say. Let me think... what are the top 5 things about getting older ....hmmmm....

1. You've seen enough changes to realize that everything changes, the good as well as the bad.

2. Nobody really expects you to be in shape anyway.

3. You've accrued enough vacation time and money to go on the really good vacations.

4. Hey, one year closer to retirement!

5. At least you're not dead.

So, that's my list. How about you?

Scaredy Cat

I hate irrational fears. I tolerate them in others, but I especially hate it in myself. I especially hate it when said fears keep you from doing something. All of which makes my incredible fear of heights even more annoying. I KNOW it's not logical, but yet I can't help myself. I don't like heights. More specifically, I don't like heights where there isn't a barrier at least shoulder height. So of course I go out of my way to challenge this fear. By going up in high buildings. And looking down. And nearly passing out.

My particular fear apparently takes on an interesting twist. Whenever I'm up on something high, looking over the edge, a little voice in my head seems to whisper, "Jump," and I can almost feel myself doing it, hurtling down the side of the building or whatever. Not that I've ever actually done it. Yet. So I guess you could say it's not the heights, it's the falling that wigs me out. Not that that makes it any better.

It gets worse the more I think about the situation. I can mentally make the most sound platform seem creaky. I start convincing myself that the building I'm in is structurally unsound. Which maybe why I start thinking of the value of jumping. Who knows? All I know is that heights freak me out and I hate it. They are building a new bridge on the way to work that is higher than the old bridge, and the only thing I can think of is will I be able to cross the new bridge without the whitest knuckles on the planet. Jump.

Can We Make All the Weeks 3 Day Weeks?

Wow, Friday already. I can't believe how quickly the week went. I could handle a few more three-day weeks. I'm not at work long enough to get really pissed off at anything. It's a nice feeling.

You know you're kind of hopeless when two days of doing things "right" seems like a good trend. After mom left on Wednesday morning, I decided to try and get back to doing the things I theoretically should want to do. I'd like to say I want to do them, but given that it's stuff like exercising and not eating everything with a glancing familiarity with sugar, I'm not sure that would be truthful. One good thing about mom's visit is that I did rediscover reading as a fun activity (not just something I do on the plane). Usually, I figure I don't have enough time, but I'm trying to read 20 pages a day of anything, and it's been kind of fun. It all started with the book Pornology (trust me, it's actually one of the funniest books I've read in a long time) when mom was visiting - we sat around so much, I just felt like I had to do something. And yeah, it's fun reading a book about porn with your mom sitting next to you on the couch.

Anyway, I also read some of my erstwhile book yesterday (sorry to jump subjects like this - it's the one I wrote). It didn't seem as bad as I remembered. Might have to start the editing process again.