Two to Tango?

First off, thanks Jynx. I wanted to post something but haven't had time lately. This is fun and pretty easy.

Two Names You Go By:
1. Paula
2. Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Khaki slacks
2. Light aqua golf shirt

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Love
2. Respect

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. Sleep
2. To lose weight

Two Pets You Have/ Had:
1. Samantha (also known as "that damn cat")
2. Shayler (beautiful, black German shepherd from childhood)

Two Favorite Sports:
1. Biking
2. Swimming

Two Things You Did Last Night:
1. Lifted weights and exercised
2. Watched Chicken Run with my older girl (she was sick)

Two Favorite Places to Eat:
1. Blue Moon Café
2. Beni hana's

Two People That Live in Your House:
1. Katie
2. Sarah

Two Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My intelligence
2. My perserverence

Two Things You Ate Today:
1. Pretzels
2. Some kind of Pizza sandwich

Two People You Last Talked To:
1. Sales rep
2. Boss

Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow:
1. Going to the theater
2. That work thing

Two Things That Make You Laugh:
1. Katie's questions
2. The first season of the new Dr. Who

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. 4th of July

Two Last Films You've Seen:
1. Chicken Run
2. Ella Enchanted (I told you, my kid was sick)

Changes

Just a side question before I start: why am I so much more articulate and passionate when I'm driving in the car than when I sit down at the computer. This morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to say as I was driving into work. Now, well, it all sounds rather trite. Oh well, here goes anyway:

I want to be so much better than I am. I feel so out of control in my life. And the sad thing is, for the most part, I know what to do to BE better ... and I still make the wrong choices. I want to lose weight, but given the choice between a carrot stick and a chocolate bon-bon? Well, let's just say the rabbits will never go hungry. I want to be in better shape, but exercise? That's too much like work. It just seems like I invariably make the wrong decision. And yes, I know it is MY choice. That's what makes it worse. It's like I'm not serious about changing things. What's even scarier is the situation at work - I want to do better, but honestly? I don't know how. I don't know what to do to make myself a better employee (working on actual work rather than this blog might be a good start, but I digress). And this scares me.

I was talking to someone the other week about what motivates them to make the choices they make. I wasn't sure what motivated me. Today, I think I realized what it is. It's the fear of losing something important to me (trust me, this'll all circle around to a point ... I hope). You see, I lost a lot of folks important to my life at a very young age. And I never want that to happen again. That's why I'm desperate to keep a job that I dread going to - it gives me the resources to do other things that are important (schooling for the kids being a big one). I'm scared to death of disrupting their lives - that's why I don't want things to change. So I stay hear, fearful that one day they (the powers that be at work, or whatever) will discover that I don't know what else to do, that I've outlived my usefulness, and dump my arse out on the street. Then what happens?

Anyway, that's my puddle of goo state of mind today. Great way to start a Monday.

Lovable Losers

You may or may not know that I am a huge sports fans. Wait, check that. I'm actually a huge fan of Pittsburgh sports teams. Which has basically meant that I live for football season and suffer through hockey and baseball. Of the two suffering sports, baseball is the one I feel most passionately about. Trust me, it's not easy rooting for a team that hasn't seen a winning season in 13 years. But I grew up with them. I used to argue with my Grandma about Willie Stargell (she hated him, I loved him). I would sit by the radio listening to Lanny Frattare and score the games. I was hooked big time. I knew the stats and followed the trades - nobody could have been happier when we scored Bill Madlock. But now ... well, it's hard. Every year you think this is the year that that well stocked minor league system pays off. And every year, last year's phenom gets shelled (case in point ... Oliver Perez ... and Zack Duke ... and probably Paul Maholm unless he starts pitching better). Suffice to say, it's hard. I've taken to looking at the rankings as a two team race between the Pirates and the team immediately ahead of them, creating a pseudo-pennant race in my head - and they STILL don't really compete. So what's a girl to do? Skip over to the Yankees like some fair weather Johnny Damon? No way. Someday ... (probably not, but you gotta keep dreamin', right?)

Moving On

I've been doing a bit more reading lately and discovered something: I like reading more than I like writing. I also have realized that while it's fun writing the intial story, the editing and stuff? Not so much fun. It's then when I realize that I'm not a particularly good writer. I mean, I'm ok, but given the amount of time I've spent trying to edit the one thing I did finish ... it's really not worth it. It's not really all that much fun, and all it really does is point out something I thought was pretty good when I first wrote it isn't all that great.

So what does this all mean? I think I'm going to forget about the first book. I don't think it's worth the hassle of trying to salvage it. The storyline is ok, but it's structured all wrong. It needs to start out more exciting. I'm thinking about going back to the original first book I was working on and see what I can do with that, but ultimately, this will just be for me. My job is my job. This isn't my job and never will be and that's ok. I will do it when it's fun and go on to something else when its not fun. It's going back to what it always should have been - a fun hobby. Maybe this sounds strange to some of you, but I did harbor this feeling that I could quit work and live off of writing, but I really don't think I want to do that. Besides the statistical improbability of being able to do that, writing should be fun. I've been avoiding working on writing for fear I needed to finish what I've already started. Why? I have enough things in my life that I have to do, why make my hobbies un-fun?